Life According to Emma

Despite my best efforts to raise a future oncologist, it's becoming more and more apparent that my oldest child is a born performer. They gave out awards at Emma's camp today. Other kids were declared Most Likely To Be A Judge or Go To The Olympics or Travel The World. Em was crowned Most Likely To Be On America's Got Talent.

Her camp counselor gushed about what a great dancer Emma was and asked if I'd ever seen her "moves." I assured her that yes, I most certainly had. That didn't stop Emma from breaking into dance right there in the parking lot. I didn't catch everything she did, but it somehow involved monkeys, chickens, and a lot of hip-shaking. She would periodically spit out "What you got?" while wiggling around, and she ended the routine by shouting "Touch THAT!" and dropping dramatically to all fours on the ground. The counselors erupted in applause while Emma basked in their praise. 

On the ride home, I asked Em about her day.

Em: "Well, I accidentally did the splits. For real. I know they were the real splits because my privates touched the ground."

Me: "Ouch. Be careful, baby. You have to work up to doing the splits or you can seriously hurt yourself."

Em: "I know, it did hurt! But that's okay. Like Ashley says, 'No pain, no gay.'"

Me: "Um...I think the saying is...oh, never mind. So, what did you watch for your movie today?"

Em: "Journey 2."

Me: "I don't know that movie. Do you mean Journey to the Center of the Earth?"

Em: "Nooooooooooo, I mean Journey 2. I think they are related, but they're not the same movie." [Note: I'm 98% sure it's the same movie.]

Me: [sarcastic] "Related? What, like sisters or something?"

Em: [completely serious] "No, more like cousins."

Me: "Okay. So, what was the movie about?"

Em: "It had Daddy moves in it."

Me: "What's a 'Daddy Move'?"

Em: "Come on Mom, everybody knows what a Daddy Move is."

Me: "Well, I don't, so can you explain it to me please?"

Em: "A Daddy Move is when a guy jumps up and down and makes his boobs bounce around, and then he flicks cherries with his boobs like a drum." [Note: Has anyone seen this movie and can explain to me what the HELL she is talking about???]

Me: "Wow. Well. Um...on that note, I'm kinda scared to ask you any more questions, so let's just listen to the radio, okay?" 

Em: "Okay."

Sarcasm Takes Practice

Emma went camping with her friend over the weekend. She was gone for three days, and we missed her terribly. She called every night before going to sleep. This was our conversation on Friday night.

Phone rings.

Me: "Hello?"

Em: "Let me tell you about my 'adventurous' day."

Pause.

Me: "Well, hello to you too. Yes, please, tell me everything. What did you do?"

Em: "Mom. That was sarcasm. Didn't you hear it?"

Me: "Oh. Um...not really. I mean, it's hard to know if you are being sarcastic unless I know what you are being sarcastic about. I need a little more context, you know what I mean?"

Em: "Oh. Okay."

Click.

Pause.

Phone rings.

Me:  "Hello? Em? Did you just hang up on me?"

Em: "Let me tell you about my 'adventurous' day. First, Charlie [the dog] threw up all over me. In the car. On the highway. My shirt was ruined and I had to sit in it the rest of the car ride! Then, I had to go to the bathroom REALLY REALLY bad and we couldn't stop, so I had to pee in a cup. A cup! Can you believe that? Boy, do I love camping!"

Pause.

Me: "Oh honey. I'm sorry you've had such a rough day, but I must say...I think that's the best sarcasm you've ever done. You really nailed it. Great job."

Em: "Thanks, Mommy! I worked really hard on it."