Actors Raising Polka Dotted Vaginas

Sophie loves her pink bathing suit with polka dots. While heading to the beach, she exclaimed, "Look at me! I so beautiful. Even my vagina has polka dots!" (Seriously...my girls talk about their vaginas all the time. What is UP with that?)

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While the girls are playing, we suddenly overhear Em coaching Sophie on the perfect way to say, "If you kill my sister, then you'll have to kill me too." (Why that sentence, you ask? I HAVE NO IDEA.) After about 15 minutes of back-and-forth, Sophie gets frustrated and flat-out growls the line in Emma's face. Em declares, "Yay, Sophie! I really felt that. You got the job!"

The Ramblings of Emma

Me: "Emma, your outfit doesn't really go together. Do you wanna go put on something else?" 
Emma: "No. When you are beautiful, you can wear anything."
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Emma, screaming at Sophie: "Jeesh! Until you're a grown up, or at least 20, or a teenager...or as old as ME, would you just LISTEN? If you'd just LISTEN to me, Sophie, I'd never be mean to you AGAIN! It's your fault, and that is...just...unaccESSIBLE! Uggh! Find your humanity!"

Crazy things my kids do

A round up from the last couple of weeks of insanity that passes for normal life in our family.

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Watched Alice in Wonderland with the girls. Fun movie, but more violent than I'd expected. During the big finale when the jabberwocky's head is cut off, Sophie hid under a blanket. Em just blinked hard and said, "Wow. That's awkward."

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During a particularly tense "you-touch-me-annoyingly-and-then-I-touch-you-annoyingly-and-we-see-who-loses-their-mind-first" battle between the girls, Sophie suddenly growled at Emma through gritted teeth, Dirty Harry style: "Don't...even...think about touching my arm."

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Alas, Emma is not a morning person. While Em raged and growled about the horrible injustice of having to arise early for school, Sophie whispered, "Mama, why is Emma doing a fit?" Emma turned on her and shouted, "I can HEAR YOU! Don't talk about me. That's so rude! Why can't you...just...LIVE WITH IT?!?"

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Sophie: "Be careful when you touch the walls because you never know when it is a magic wall and then it eat you and you dead."

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Em lost her second tooth, and she's been full of questions. Top one? "How does the tooth fairy know where to find you when you go to college?"

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Sophie keeps walking around the house mumbling to herself, "There's nothing to be afraid of. E.T. is just a good, nice alien."

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Em: "I can't wait for the tooth fairy to come tonight. I hope he brings me money, toys and Gatorade!"

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While watching the beginning of "Powerpuff Girls" (where they explain how the girls came to be made), Em seemed unimpressed that the girls were created in a test tube with special chemicals that gave them superpowers. But there was one thing that caught her attention: "Wow. I can't believe they were born with clothes!"

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Putting on her button-down fairy pajamas complete with old-fashioned collar, Sophie looked in the mirror and giggled: “I look like a customer!”

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Sample commands from Emma during her playdate: 

"More hot chocolate please!" 

"We need lemonade, water, orange juice and cookies. Right now." 

"Excuse me? Miss? We'd like more popcorn at our table." 

"Hello! We have empty plates here!"

It was like flashing back to my worst waitressing days...the ones where I found myself at the mercy of a ridiculously obnoxious customer and I just knew I wasn't even gonna get a tip out of it.

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Emma: "Mama, I've never been bad at all today. That's the first day in my whole entire life that I've never been bad!"

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While listening to a Carrie Underwood song about seeing Cinderella at the ball, Em's whole face lit up in awe. "Wow," she whispered. "I can't believe she knows Cinderella."

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Emma just wiggled her bottom in my face and announced that her butt has got scratch.

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Once again, we warned the girls that getting fingerprints on the DVDs can cause the movies to skip when being played. "It's Sophie's fault," Emma immediately piped up. "Oh, really? And why is it always Sophie's fault?" I asked. "Well,” Emma answered, “I am the older person here."

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Sophie fell hard on her bottom during a twirl-gone-wrong and bit her tongue, so I suggested a popsicle to make her feel better. After her first lick, she declared, “This DOES make my tongue feel better! It makes my bottom better too. Like ice cream inside-a my butt. Popsicles are magic.”

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While trying to help Emma with her math homework on making change, she told me that she doesn't need to know how to count money because she'll just ask her lady in waiting to do it.

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Sophie was just horrible on a recent car trip home from Indiana. Emma exhibited remarkable patience, but she finally hit her breaking point just minutes from home when she screamed, "SOPHIE! YOU HAVE RUINED THIS ENTIRE TRIP WITH YOUR NAUGHTY!"

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Chris and I had to cancel our date night in celebration of my new job because we have no money. (Hmmm...I wonder if it’s in bad taste to ask for an advance in pay when I haven’t even started the job yet?) He knew I was disappointed, so he brought me home a giant chocolate bar as consolation. Emma’s eyes bugged out of her head when she saw it. “Oh my gosh! You have to share that chocolate with me or I'll die like a seal."

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Sophie got mad and threw her cup at Emma, nailing her right in the middle of the forehead. Emma burst into tears, and I immediately pulled over the car to diffuse the situation. "Sophie!" I reprimanded. "We do NOT throw things at other people." Sophie responded by whipping her goldfish snack bowl in my face and shrieking, "Yes. We. DO!"  

Life through the eyes of Sophie

I'm too busy/lazy to think up my own blog topics right now, so I'm gonna steal from my youngest instead. Here are some random quotes/observations from Sophie this week that made me giggle.
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Started using the phrase My Little Pony as an exclamation. Examples:
"My Little Pony, it's a beautiful day!"
"Ugh. I can't get my pants up! My. Little. PONY!"
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Pointing at a black smart car: "Hey! That car looks like a peppermint patty!"
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Listening to "Teenage Dream" (GLEE version) in the car: "I asked Daddy to sing this to me for lullaby last night, but he didn't know da words. Daddy mean to me!"
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Listening to "If I Had A Million Dollars" in the car: "I loved this song when I was a boy."
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Listening to Miley Cyrus's "Party in the U.S.A." in the car: "Hannah Mun-dana is a boy-girl. She has a vagina just like me!"
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In car, just after going over a speed bump: "Mommy, when you go 'bum-da-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-BUM-da-dum' it makes my tummy feel funny."
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Exchange between Sophie and her babysitter Margaret:
Margaret: "Would you like to read a book?"
Sophie: "Sure!"
Margaret: "How about this one? Once upon a time..."
Sophie: "I really, really, REALLY love all the single ladies."
Margaret: "Hmm? What did you say? Oh, do you mean the song?"
Sophie: "What you say?"
Margeret: "The song 'All The Single Ladies'? I love that song too."
Sophie: "You silly. Now read."
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Peering into the toilet bowl post-defecation: "Look! The toilet paper is hugging the poop! They are friends!"
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Decided to take two buckets of sidewalk chalk trick-or-treating, which consisted of loops around the apartment and repeated stops at my "door" to yell, "Ding dong chalk! Halloween us!"
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Asked if we could "stick to home" and then requested popcorn for breakfast. When I agreed to both, she started dancing in the middle of the kitchen floor and squealing, "I so happy like I never been! Thank you, Mommy!"
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Typed numbers into the calculator and then asked her Daddy what 7:30 means. Chris replied that he didn't know. Sophie leaned right into his face and whisper-shouted, "It means KAY."
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Sophie: "There are no crabs at Red Lobster."
Me: "Really? Where did they go?"
Sophie: "They go home."
Me: "How did they get there?"
Sophie: "They crawled and crawled and crawled until they weren't there anymore."
Me: "Oh. That's nice."
Sophie: "Does dat make you sad, Mommy?"
Me: "That the crabs are gone? No, I'm glad they got home safely."
Sophie: "Me, too. They are so brave. They my favorites."
Me: "Your favorite crabs?"
Sophie: "No. My favorite friends."

Sophie on a Wednesday

Woke up to Sophie's bloodcurdling screams. Terrified, I literally ran to her room, convinced she had somehow managed to set herself on fire or sever a limb. As soon as Sophie caught sight of me, all screeching ceased and she broke into a huge grin. "Mommy, hi! You're awake! Can we please go climb a mountain today?"

The girls had a great time in Florida with their grandparents and the entire Wilson clan. (I promise to post pictures soon!) Aunt Carrie crocheted scarfs for the girls, and Sophie loved being her crocheting assistant.

Carrie attached a little bell to the end of the scarf, which rings every time Sophie experiences sudden movement. Sophie usually loves the ringing, but in the car today, she wasn't feeling it. "Ma-maaaaa! Every time you make the car do fast, it brings my jingle down. Don't bring my jingle down, okay?"

During the same aforementioned car ride, Sophie pointed up at an airplane with a huge plume of dark smoke trailing behind it. "Look, Mama! That airplane tooted out poop all over da sky!"

Sophie: "I saw Santa Claus last morning."
Me: "You did? Where did you see Santa?"
Sophie: "On the street. He was walking around and looking for where all the Christmas went."

When we left for Florida, there was snow all over the ground. Upon our return, it was gone. This confused Sophie greatly. I explained that when we went to Florida, the snow melted away. She seemed satisfied with that response, and I thought the conversation was over. Then today, out of nowhere, she looked out our window and burst into tears. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Mommy, why did Florida dead kill our snowman?" she wailed.

Sophie has finally started attempting to go #2 on the toilet (as opposed to timing her bowel movements for naps or bedtime so she can use a pull up, which has been her impressively successful avoidance strategy for the last six months). Tonight was her second straight success on the potty. "Hooray!" I shouted. "What do you have to say for yourself, big girl?" Sophie beamed and exclaimed, "Yay! I go poop just like a dolphin!"

Sophie-isms and Moments From The Week

Lately, Sophie's developed a habit of closing every door in the apartment behind her "so that any bugs don't get in." Then she slowly re-opens it, looks at the floor, and screams, "The bugs are coming! The bugs are coming! RUUUUUUNNNNNN!"

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After helping Sophie pat herself dry in the bathroom, she told me her "bagino" was all clean. 

"Um...I think you mean 'vagina,' sweetheart," I corrected gently. 

"NO!" Sophie screamed in my face. "It is MY bagino, and I can call it whatever I want!" 

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Sophie woke up talking about birds in her hands and explained that a nice fox slept in bed with her and we must save him from the mean witch. We grabbed the (pretend) birds, the (pretend) fox, detangling spray, toothpaste, Kandoo, Dora doll, Charleete, the TV remote, a button that fell off our couch pillow, and a Polly Pocket, and we hid from the witch under the dining room table. Sophie kept looking at me in panic, putting her finger over her mouth and whispering, "Ssshh." Suddenly, she scooted from under the table and told me it was safe to come out.

"Guess what, Ma-ma! The mean witch went to jail and she get in love with the police-es man and now she is our friend!"

Did I mention this all occurred before 7am?

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After raising her voice to me, I informed Sophie that I didn't like to be spoken to that way. 

"But it's not fair!" she cried. 

"What's not fair? Do you even know what that means?" I asked. 

"Yes. It means Emma will hit me."

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Sophie told me that her Barbie went poop and she needed a wipe to clean her up. Reluctantly, I gave her one. After a few minutes, I discovered her cleansing Barbie's nether regions and making a diaper for her out of Kleenex.

"Mommy, I need another wipe! Barbie's got diaper-rhea!"

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"Mommy? My eye hurts."

"I'm sorry, honey. Why does it hurt?"

"Because I poked it with my finger."

"Well...maybe if you stop poking yourself in the eye, then your eye won't hurt anymore."

"Hey, that's a good idea. Thank you, Mama!"

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Soph asked me very politely if she could please watch the mean green man. I had no clue what she was talking about. After 20 minutes of grueling tears, tantrums, pleading, etc., we finally figured out that she wanted the Grinch. Two minutes later, she's walking in circles and happily shouting "Hi, Grunch! Hi!" at the TV. Meanwhile, I'm still huddled in a ball on the floor, completely spent from all the turmoil caused by one little weird-named Dr. Seuss dude. 

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While waiting in line to pay for our groceries, Sophie started dancing her heart out in the middle of the store. She was laughing and shouting, "I really love to dance dance dance dance..." at the top of her lungs. A woman running (yes, full-on running, for whatever reason) down the aisle sorta tripped over Sophie. She turned to me and instructed me through gritted teeth to "please control my child." For the first time ever in my life, I had the perfect reply: "Actually? I'm gonna join her." And I did. In my purple sweatpants and crazy bedhead, I stepped out of line and started jumping up and down with Sophie. The look on the woman's face was priceless. She was not pleased...in fact, she swore at me as she stormed away. I just smiled, waved, and shouted, "You have a great day, too!" I started giggling, which started Sophie giggling. I'm sure we looked like total fools, but dancing with my daughter - and for one sweet moment, not giving a rip what anyone thought of either of us - was soooooo AWESOME. Who knew being called a crazy bitch could make a person's day?

Out of the mouths of babes...

• Me: "Girls, quit playing the dead game." Em: "We aren't dead. We are just hurt really bad and our eyes won't open because we fell from a roller coaster 130 feet tall and broked our bodies. But we aren't dead."

• Soph: "Mommy, look at the birds in the sky. They are playing Follow The Leader!"

• Em: "Now that my teeth are falling out, I'm practically a teenager."

• Soph: "Mama, you are my friend, and Millie is my friend, and Emma is my friend, and Callie is my friend." Me: "What about Daddy?" Soph: "Daddy is my father." Me: "Well...fathers can be friends, too." Soph: "No. That's gross!"

• Em: "Grandma, did you know that if you take off your underwear anywhere in the wide world, your vagina will explode?"

• Me: "Sophie, are you a big girl? Do you pee and poop in the potty?" Soph: "Yes, I do! Whenever I feel like it."

• Em: "Mommy, what am I whistling?" [Cue crazy-screechy-whistle sound.] Me: "I don't know." Em: "Mom. Pay attention." [Cue crazy-screechy-whistle sound.] Me: "I have no idea." Em: "Ugh! Mama. Just listen." [Cue crazy-screechy-whistle sound.] Me: "I don't know, Emma. Goodness. Just tell me what it is already." Em: "WHOO-HOO! I am whistling WHOO-HOO!" Me: "Wow. You didn't have to scream it in my face." Em: "Yes, I did. Clearly."

• Soph: "Mama, can you hold my tiara? I hafta pee."

• Em: "我饿了, 我要牛肉. That means 'I am hungry and I want beef' in Chinese."

• Soph: "Look at my belly, Mama. It is so big! Touch it."  

• Em: "Sophie isn't ready to go to school yet." Me: "Why?" Em [in a whisper, with hand cupping her mouth]: "Because she'll be loud and crazy on the bus and she won't know where to sit or how to put on her seat belt and she'll do somersaults on the ground when the bus is moving and cry that she misses you and fart in her pants and it will embarrass me."

• Soph & Em: "We looooooove dressing up like princesses!"

Sophie on a Thursday

• Finds a tampon in my gym bag and claims it as her own, calling it her vampire. (A simple mispronunciation, or is she unconsciously confusing one bloodsucker with another? Hoo-AH!) "It so pretty! It has stripes!" (The packaging has stripes. I knew what you were thinking. Sickos.) Periodically (Ba-DUM-bum) hides the tampon behind her back and announces, "I got a surprise for you, Mama!" Whips her hands in front of her with a flourish. "Ta-DA! A vampire for you to love!"
  
• When I tell her I Tivo'd "Backyardigans" for her, she throws her arms in the air and yelps, "Yay! I so proud of you, Mama!"
• Asks to go to the pool. I explain the pool is closed until next summer. Scrunches her face up and glares at me. "I ask Grandma to take me! Grandma LOVES me!"
• Story game...Me: "And then the bear did a happy dance and...what happened next?" Sophie: "And then the bees flied all around his nose and the bear died. The bees died him. The end." Second attempt...Me: "So the bear tiptoed into the house to take a nap and...what happened next?" Sophie: "And the bees grabbed the bear's arm and that not nice! And the bear died. The end." Third attempt...Me: "The beautiful butterfly flew high above the clouds with the fairies and...what happened next?" Sophie: "The bear died like this [lies flat on back on floor] and he died [pointing] here and here and here and here and here and allllllllllllll over the floor and the bees said 'Yay!' The end."
• Gets frustrated helping with laundry because I give her too many clothes to carry at a time. "Mama, you are getting me nuts," she mutters.
• Sophie: "Mama, I went poop." Me: "Uggh. Okay. Just...next time, will you please tell me before you go poop so we can sit on the potty? Please please please with sugar on top?" Sophie: "Sugar on top...of my bottom?"
  
• Declares me a better singer than Tasha the hippopotamus on "Backyardigans." I open my mouth to thank her when she adds, "And you look like her, Ma-ma! Mama, you a pretty hippo!"
• Refuses to put on shirt because the tag itches. Insists on wearing bathing suit under it before leaving the house. "You are just doing this because Emma does," I accuse. "Yep," she confirms.
• Sophie: "Mama, I peed on the floor." Me: "Uggh. Sophie! You're killing me!" Sophie: "I no killing you, Mama. Don't say that! That not nice." Bursts into tears.
  
• Lights up when I explain that our street is filled with forklifts dumping huge pounds of dirt into holes because they are planting trees and flowers. "That's a GREAT idea!" she says. Shouts out the window at the construction workers, "Good job, con-cussins! Good job, dirt! The flowers will look so bee-autiful!"
  
• Grabs my arm at 10:05am and says, "I ready for night-night." We read a book, sing a song, turn out the lights. I put her in the crib and am just closing the door when she shouts, "I all done!" I turn and ask, "Seriously? You're kidding me, right?" Oblivious to my sarcasm, she grins and gushes, "I no kidding, Ma-ma. Mama, I had a good nap."
  
• Screams following phrases from bedroom to avoid napping (successfully, I grudgingly add): "I just need to whisper you somefing, Mama." "Ma-ma, I want another story!" "Maaaaa-ma...what happen next, Ma-ma?! What. happen. NEXT?" "Mommy! It 9 of the clock, time to wake up now!" "Mommy, my butt hurts. You need to kiss it, Mama!"
  
• Keeps asking if we can go to the cube-li-esque store. All day long: "Mama, when we going to the cube-li-esque store?" Finally dawns on me about 4 o'clock that she means the UPS store.

Sophie on a Monday

• Feeling lazy, I ask Sophie if she minds skipping the gym today. Her eyes light up. "We skipping to the gym today, Mama? Yes!" And off she goes.
• Finds Emma's gum on the dining room table and carries pieces around like babies all day, counting them ("Mama! I got 5 gum babies now!") and putting them down for naps. At one point I overhear her say, "You good babies. When I bigger, I EAT you!"
• Watches a "Zaboomafoo" episode about pets, and every time a kitten comes on the screen she screams, "Hi, Oz! Mama, it Oz! Why he not say hi to me?" [Sidebar: Oz is Aunt Jayme's cat.]
• Points to the words HAPPY MEAL written on the box of her, um...happy meal. "Look what it says, Mommy! D. I. E. S. Dat spells Sophie!" [Sidebar: Yeah, my almost-three-year-old doesn't know her letters yet. Hey, we can't all be prodigies.]
• Casually mentions she put a sticker on the potty while whipping past me with her stroller. Curious, I go in the bathroom to check it out. Indeed, she is telling the truth (see pic). When I ask why, she says, "Potty is a big girl now!" [Sidebar: Yeah, my almost-three-year-old isn't potty trained yet. Hey, we can't all be prodigies.]

• Brings me a tangled cluster of wooden chairs and Barbie dolls and asks, "Mommy, can you help me carry these? They are not coperlating wif me."
• Clenches her fists and shouts, "Emma! Stop! You make-a me MAAAAAAAD! Like thunder!"
• Randomly announces, "Mommy? You are my Mommy. And Daddy...Daddy is my friend."
• Asks for more cheese. "Just a minute," I reply. "I. Want. More. CHEESE!" Sophie screams. "Sophie! I said just a minute please," I say. "No!" Sophie declares. "You did NOT say please. And now you make me YELL AT YOU!"
• Insists on giving kisses on various body parts instead of the traditional lip location. Kissed Emma goodnight on her hip; my goodnight kiss landed somewhere near my collarbone. Before her nap today, she asked if she could kiss my butt. [Sidebar: Regular readers, you know what kind of mom I am. Do you think I conceded to her request? I'll let you decide.]
  

Sophie on a Thursday

• Wakes up talking about how the rat chases Thumbelina and eats her shoe. Then she points over my shoulder and says "There is the rat, right there!" and almost gives Mommy a heart attack before explaining, "Don't be scared, Mama. I just pretending."
  
• Runs up to me screaming, "Mommy look, Mommy look!" Then she jumps in the air, lands hard on her bottom, giggles, and shrieks, "I breaked my butt!"
• Soph: "Let's put money in this little piggy." Me: "I don't have any money, do you have any money?" Soph: "Yes, I do. In my little pocket." She reaches down into the pull up she's wearing and pulls out a goldfish cracker. (Why is there a goldfish cracker in her pull up? I don't know.) Me: "What are you gonna buy with that?" Soph: "Two money dollars and three bunny dollars. And another goldfish."
• Points at a woman in Costco and screams, "She's got a butt!" The woman (who did indeed have a rather ample derriere) clearly hears and doesn't look too happy. Trying to cover, I say loudly, "Oh Sophie, you are so silly. We ALL have butts, remember?" Sophie replies, "Yes, we do. Mama has butts, and Daddy has butts. And that lady has very very BIG butts!"
• Throws a tantrum for twenty minutes because I won't let her play with the stapler.
• Soph: "Hello, Miss Man." Me: "Miss Man? Why are you calling me Miss Man?" Soph: "Because. You are Superman."
• Asks at the grocery store, "Mama, can we get cheese from deli?" "No honey," I answer, "we don't need anything from the deli today, so we can't get our free slice of cheese." Sophie replies, "That no make sense, Mommy. Yes we do need somefing from the deli. I need cheese."
• Gets in a fight with her car seat because the straps are twisted. I fix the straps and Sophie rewards me with a big smile and says, "Mama, you so smart. Come here for big wet kisses!"
  
• Soph: "Hey! You like stickers like my Emma!" Girl in nursery: "Who Emma?" Soph: "Emma my sister. She loves me."
  
• Carries a koosh ball, a plastic cockroach, a polly pocket, the bathroom soap dispenser, one Strawberry Shortcake shoe and a packet of gum around the house in her stroller, calling them her babies.
• Soph: "Listen. I want to tell you somefing." Me: "Okay." Soph (whispering in ear): "I love you and love you and love you and love you and love you." Me (whispering back): "I know." Soph: "How you know? I just told you!"
  

Emma and Sophie on a Tuesday

Sound bites from today:

• After her bath, Sophie told me all about her "nippens" (a.k.a., nipples). When I asked her where they were she said, "On my shoulders!"
• Emma reminded us to sign her "wiggly assessment" form for school. I told her that the correct pronunciation was weekly assessment. She replied, "That makes absolutely no sense."
• Picking up Sophie at the nursery, I gave her a big smile and said, "Hi! How's my baby? Did you miss me?" This is my typical greeting, and usually her response is an enthusiastic "YES!" Today she answered, "NO! Go away, Mama. My not done having fun."
• I asked Emma why she only got 50% on her classwork last week. She cried indignantly, "Mrs. Parker tricked me! She said if I didn't know the answer then I should guess, but when I guessed she counted the answer wrong. That's against the law!"
• Emma checked out the beginning buds in Elena's flowerbed and encouraged Sophie to come smell the flowers. Sophie took a big sniff and exclaimed, "That's disgusting!"
• Emma complained on the way back from the bus that she was really tired. "Why?" I asked. "Because I worked really hard today at school," she said. "Being smart is such a burden."
• Sophie wriggled away during her diaper change and declared, "No, Mama. That my butts. No touch my butts, Mama!"
• Emma was so excited to show us the gift her friend Ani gave her at school. It was a coupon for $1 off Tide laundry detergent.

Video highlights from today: