Us, Right Now

2015 has been a tricky year so far for my family. My father-in-law has been battling cancer for almost two years, and his journey with this insidious, ridiculous, fucking-fuck-fuck (excuse my fucking language) disease is soon coming to an end. He decided six weeks ago to stop treatment and begin hospice at home, and Chris has been in St. Louis ever since. He's working remotely while also being primary caregiver to his dad. And the girls and I are here in Oak Lawn, plugging along and missing Chris more than any words can possibly express.

There is so much I want to say about how this experience has been for Chris. So much that has surprised, moved, angered me. Rendered me helpless, speechless. But ultimately, that isn't my story to tell. So I'll continue to do here what I've been doing, to the best of my ability, for the last six weeks - focusing on me and my girls.

For me, this experience has been a series of life lessons. 

I've learned that my girls are shaken, but resilient. They are sad about losing their Paw Paw, and they miss their Daddy a lot. But we've gotten into a routine, and things are going as well as can be expected. Which is to say that some days we really rock this on-our-own thing, and some days we are one step away from clawing each others' faces off. Such is life. I think they are a little sick of nothing but The Mom Show 24/7. Sophie raged at me during a recent fight, "I don't want your face. I want Daddy's face!" But they also cling to me more than usual, reaching out to touch me whenever they can, reassuring themselves that one of us is still here. Sophie burst into tears last week when I told her I have jury duty soon (great timing, Cook County!) because somehow she thought it meant that the judge might send me to jail. She wailed, "If you go to jail, who will take care of us?! YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU MADE THE POLICE MAD!" Emma asks me often to lay with her until she goes to sleep because she is scared. Even my dog is having frequent nightmares. The feelings manifest in different ways. But overall, they are okay.

I have learned that my husband, who I already thought did a lot around the house, actually does A LOT around the house. Having the burden rest suddenly on my lone shoulders is a huge eye-opener to just how much he contributes. My whole world is laundry and dishes and meals meals meals and changing light bulbs and yard work and taking out trash and school projects and grocery shopping and cleaning and refereeing and feeding the dog and drying tears and entertaining and picking up/dropping off children - all day every day, with no help/partner/buffer/break. I have always had enormous respect for single parents, but that respect is now through the roof. Don't get me wrong - I'm not deluded enough to think that my little experiment in single-parenting is anything close to the real deal. But it's given me the smallest taste into a single parent's world, and I'm left humbly astounded by it.  

I have learned that I took "me" time for granted. I relied on Chris to pick up the slack so I could enjoy various outlets for myself - acting, socializing, exercising, shopping, napping, etc. All the things I would normally do "when Chris gets home" are now either gone or modified. When the girls are at school, I am working. For everything else...where I go, they go.

I have learned that it is really hard to go through a difficult time and not have your best friend by your side. Because, of course, my best friend is 300 miles away. Chris can't be here for me through this, because he needs to be there for his dad instead. He's exactly where he needs to be, and I don't have a moment's doubt or resentment about it. But there are still several times a day when I think, "God, I can't wait to tell Chris about this." And I can't. Because I don't want him worrying about me, about us. He has enough to worry about. I don't want to bother him with my petty needs or questions when he is doing one of the single most important and difficult things he will ever do in his life.

I have learned that I can do more than I think I can. Many things that I just relied on Chris to do, I can do for myself. (Cleaning up dog poop is an admitted exception; my backyard is currently a shit-filled wasteland.) And while I am sometimes mind-numbingly lonely, I've discovered that I don't actually need all the socialization and outside distractions. I've simplified my life down to the very basics: work and home. And in some ways, it's a relief.

I have learned that I can do better. I have a couple of close friends/family who have been wonderful about checking in regularly and consistently. And by "wonderful" I mean "absolutely fucking brilliant." Others have reached out to say they care and are thinking of us. A handful check in periodically, asking for any new news about Chris or his dad. All of these gestures are deeply, deeply appreciated. But mostly, it's been pretty quiet. Beyond those core couple of people, there have been no real offers of help or time (eg, taking the girls for a few hours, coming to visit, lending an ear, whatever). It's been a little surprising, to be honest. I write this not to make anybody feel badly. (Please please please, that is not my intent.) Rather, I write this because I have a two-part theory as to why this is, and my theory says way more about me than anyone around me.

Partly, I think it's just human nature for a lot of people with the absolutely best intentions to keep their distance when the shit hits the fan, either because they are uncomfortable, they don't know what to do, or they have too much going on in their own lives. I've developed this theory from personal experience, because I've behaved exactly the same way in the past. I've sent a card or a note, maybe a supportive text or comment on Facebook, and then I've figured - they've got a lot on their plates, they know I'm thinking about them, they'll ask for help if they need it, I don't want to bother them - and I've gotten on with my life, worrying about them from afar. And it wasn't because I didn't care. Quite the opposite - I cared a lot, and I think most people who've been relatively absent in our lives the last few weeks care a lot too. It just is what it is. Everyone's dealing with something, and we are all trying to stay afloat. For me, I often don't know how to help, so instead I do nothing. Whatever the reason, I don't blame anyone; life is hard, and we are all doing the best we can. In fact, I'm mostly thankful for the situation. Because my eyes have been opened to how I've fallen short in this area, and I am determined to do better in the future.

The second part of my theory is easier to specify, but harder to swallow. Clearly, I have failed to build a strong community around myself. And that is all on me. We aren't a member of a church, we don't have a huge social circle, we aren't close to neighbors, we live in a town that - three years later - still feels new and foreign. And as I said before, I think I've been less than a stellar friend to others in the past. So. I'm not sure what to do about this particular lesson, but it's one I take to heart and plan to ruminate on moving forward.

I have learned that while my current situation is far from unique, it's still okay to acknowledge that it sucks. I know many people going through many difficult situations right now. Bitching about six weeks without my husband will probably strike some as the height of self-absorbed ridiculousness. Which is why I haven't been writing much lately, honestly. I didn't want to have a post full of nothing but whining and complaints, and I knew if I started typing, that's where it could potentially go. But it's my truth. It's where we are at right now. And that's okay.

I have learned that family is everything. The clarity this experience has given me is something for which I am truly grateful. I know what matters, truly matters, in a way I haven't fully felt or understood in quite awhile. The people I love and who love me in return are my family, whether blood or chosen. They are my people, my clan, my tribe. And that is everything to me. All the rest is just noise - still important, but not essential. That knowledge seems like it should be obvious, but it has proven too easy for me to forget over the years. NOTHING in my life works without my family.

Lastly, I have learned that love heals. My girls have been such a source of strength for me these weeks. I've lost count of how many times one of their hugs has restored me. And every time I feel their little arms around me, I think of my husband. It makes me desperately sad that Chris is facing such a difficult time without us by his side. Every day, I wonder...who is hugging him right now? Every night, I pray for our love to travel far and strong and squeeze him tight. So I urge you to take a look around at the person(s) standing beside you every day, the ones who are truly essential in your life...who are your life. Take a deep breath of thanks and give them a nice, long, hard embrace. I promise, the loving energy will renew you both.

Happy New Year

We spent our New Year's Eve with the Thompson family this year. I hope you were able to ring in the new year similarly, surrounded by dear friends and loved ones.

The midnight money shot. Gus peace'd out several hours earlier, completely unimpressed with the whole "ring in the New Year" thing.

Overall, 2014 was very kind to me and my family. There were a few bumps in the road, but we have our health and each other, and that's truly all I can ever ask for.

Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee the next year as one of change. I say bring it, 2015...we're ready for you. (I think.)

Happy New Year to you all! May 2015 treat you well.

Sophie's Letter to the Tooth Fairy

Sophie lost a tooth yesterday. Here's the note she put under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy to find. IF THIS ISN'T THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN, THEN YOU HAVE NO SOUL. Pretty cute, huh? It's the picture of the tooth itself that kills me.

Translation: "Dear Tooth Fairy, I accidentally swallowed my tooth. So if you don't find my tooth I swallowed it on accident but you can still give me money or a toy. Love your friend Sophie Mathews.

Happy Halloween!

THIS is how you rock a photo booth, people.

Keep Dreamin'

My dream job came to an end today.

I was cast back in February as an understudy at Steppenwolf Theatre, for their world premiere production of The Qualms. (If you click the link, watch the Look Inside video to get an idea of what the play is about.) I started in June, and today was the 68th and final performance of the run.

It has been an amazing experience.

Steppenwolf has been my dream place to work for almost 20 years. I saw Steppenwolf's production of Buried Child while in college, and it literally changed the trajectory of my life. (Sam Shepard. Gary Sinise. Ethan Hawke. Lois Smith. AMAZING.) Up until that point, I'd planned to move to New York City after graduation. It never occurred to me to live anywhere else. I had always assumed that if you wanted to be a serious theater actor, then NYC was where you went. But after seeing Buried Child, I knew that I wanted to do that kind of theatre with those kinds of artists. Chicago - and, by extension, Steppenwolf - became my new dream.

I've lived in Chicago for 16 years now, and of course, I discovered long ago that there are so many outstanding theater companies here. And most of them aren't in the theater district. If you ever come to Chicago and are looking for a show to see, email me and I'll give you recommendations. There is much more to Chicago theater than the huge venues downtown. As Mr. Tracy Letts said in his Tony acceptance speech for Best Actor last year (CLICK AND WATCH THE BRILLIANCE OF THIS SPEECH that never fails to make me cry), there are storefront theaters all over Chicago filled with actors who "say it to their faces," and I am proud to be one of them. Tourists are often drawn to the big Broadway touring shows playing in the heart of the Loop, and don't get me wrong - I enjoy those shows as much as anyone. But they are not Chicago theater. Even a lot of Chicago residents miss out on the heart and grit and tremendous talent that forms the backbone of theater in this city, simply because they don't know where to look. (If interested in learning more about the vast array of theater choices in Chicago, the League of Chicago Theatres website is a great place to start. And yes, I'm aware that I sound like an infomercial.)

I am a fan of many theaters in Chicago, of all sizes, and have an ever-growing list of all the places at which I would love to work someday. But for me, Steppenwolf has always been my ultimate "if I could only work there" place. During our first years in Chicago, even when Chris and I struggled to make rent and couldn't afford health insurance and often survived solely on Campbell's chicken noodle soup (or rather, I did...Chris ate baby food from his Nonnie, which is a story for another day), we always splurged on season subscriptions to Steppenwolf. I've seen so many memorable productions there over the years...shows that I loved and a few that I loathed, but every one of them a visceral experience that made me feel something. Each year, my esteem for Steppenwolf - and my dream to work with them one day - only grew.

In case you were wondering why in the hell it took me 16 years to realize my dream...a bit of background. (Throw in my recurring hang ups and indecision and crippling battles with myself over whether or not to even be an actor, and you'll have filled in the blanks.) At a theater like Steppenwolf, you need to be invited to audition. They rarely, if ever, have open calls. (Actually, this is how quite a lot of theater companies in Chicago work.) You can submit your headshot and resume to them, but that does not mean that they will call you in. I was invited to their general auditions for the first and only time eight years ago. I don't do well at general auditions. I am much, much better at auditioning with sides. For some reason, I'm hit-or-miss when it comes to monologue auditions. I did not adequately prepare, and the audition was definitely one of my misses. I left feeling that I'd just blown a rare and important opportunity. Turns out, I had. I never heard from them again, and I carried that frustration with me for a very long time.

Then, a few months ago, a friend got an invite from Steppenwolf's casting director to audition for an understudy role in The Qualms. She accepted. But she also did an incredibly selfless thing - she forwarded the invite to me as well. She had read the play and thought I fit the role perfectly. She encouraged me to email them and ask if I could come in and audition too. I did. They said yes. This time, they wanted me to do a side from the play. (Yay!) I prepared, prepared, prepared, prepared. I auditioned. I got the job.

I would have never known about the audition had my friend not told me, and perhaps if I had not auditioned, she would have gotten the role instead. She had to have known that that was a possibility, yet she told me about the audition anyway. She championed me throughout the process, and sincerely congratulated me when I got the job. I am grateful to my friend for so many things - this is just one more act of generosity to add to a long, long list. But it's quite a whopper, wouldn't you agree?

After I accepted the job, I began to panic. I've never understudied before. In fact, I've avoided doing so for years. It always sounded like a pretty thankless job to me (sort of true) and a lot of hard work (definitely true). But I always told myself that if one of the big theater companies asked me - those companies in my head that comprise my Big 5 - I would do it in a heartbeat. And I did. But I didn't know what to expect, and lack of knowledge always makes me anxious. Hence, the panic.

Luckily, Steppenwolf just happens to know what the hell they are doing. The tremendously talented stage management team walked us through everything we needed to know and made sure we were thoroughly prepared. My emotions ran the gamut from complete terror to utter confidence at the mere thought of going on, depending on how far we were into the rehearsal process. But even when I was frightened as hell, I secretly desperately hoped I would get to go on. For a long time, I even felt this inexplicable certainty that at some point I would get to go on. And...I never did. It's my one disappointment. Some of my fellow understudies went on, and while I was genuinely thrilled for them, it was also kinda hard to watch. We all worked so hard, and were so ready, and I wish each of us could have had that experience, just once. In case you think I'm completely delusional...I KNOW that's the nature of the job when you are an understudy; you need to be prepared and ready at any time for a contingency that most likely will never happen. My brain knew that the theater had never guaranteed me a performance, and the odds that I'd actually get to perform were slim. My heart just refused to believe it. Also, I was pretty naive. In my ignorance, I figured that since the theater put so many resources into hiring talented understudies and making sure they were thoroughly prepared, the policy for cast members missing a show would be rather lax. In fact, I stupidly thought that understudies would step in if the actors were tired, or had a wedding, or travel plans, or just wanted a damn break for one night. I mean...we were there and we were ready. Wasn't that what we were there for? Boy, was I wrong. Stage management made it clear that understudies were there in case of an emergency only, and the fervent hope was that we were never needed. From my perspective, that was disappointing to learn. But seeing it through the eyes of the theater, I understood.

Despite not going on, I still had a great time and learned so much. I was in the room with a Pulitzer Prize and Tony Award winning playwright and a Tony Award winning director. I got to sit there, like a teeny tiny awestruck fly on the wall, and watch them work. I don't think either of them would recognize me if they passed me on the street, but their faces and voices are etched in my memory. The unique opportunity to watch a world premiere come to life in such talented hands was unquantifiable. I also got to watch some of the best actors in Chicago (and a few from New York) do their thing...over and over and over and over again. :) (Seriously though...it could have gotten boring very quickly, but the play was so funny and the cast so engaging that it rarely did.) I got to tread the boards of a Steppenwolf stage, even if only in rehearsals. I met a lot of talented and interesting people. And I got to scan my little security badge every day and go downstairs and hole up in my dressing room and tell myself, "I'm at work now. At Steppenwolf. I'M AT WORK AT STEPPENWOLF." 

To a lot of my peers, I don't think understudying at Steppenwolf is that big of a deal. I mean, it's a paid gig at one of the most critically acclaimed theaters in the country. No working actor just shrugs that off. But I suspect most actors wouldn't get as excited as me. Or maybe all the fantastic actors I know who've had similar jobs are just way better at acting nonchalant than I am. I guess it all depends on where you are in your life and career, and who your own personal faves are. But for me...this summer has been a gift, and I am deeply grateful for it.

I don't know what's next on the horizon for me. Such is the life of an actor; you never really know. And, admittedly, I'm not very good at living in that space of uncertainty. I like to have a plan, and I struggle with maintaining the self-motivation and confidence required to be a working actor. Sometimes it just feels too hard to keep moving through each disappointment and keep pushing toward the next opportunity. Over the years, I've gone through phases where I've taken a long break from acting or decided I'm done altogether. It is an electrifying, exhilarating, and bruising way to make a living, and my too-sensitive self often needs to take a step back. But I always return to the theater, and at this point in my life, I know that I always will. Being in this show, surrounded by such talented artists, has inspired me to keep going, keep working, keep striving. I feel a new drive to move forward, and my new plan - my new dream - is to simply ride that wave and see where it takes me.

The complete cast and crew of The Qualms. See me? (Photo by Michael Brosilow.)

Me with my fellow understudies/dressing-room-mates Jordan and Allie. This entire experience would have been very different if I hadn't had these two women to giggle with every day. (Photo by random person on the street.)

First Day of School!

They are growing up too damn fast.

First grader and fifth grader. Last year ever that they will be at the same school together!

Safety guard!

This first grader LOVED her new teacher.

(Not So) Spontaneous Tattoo!

I've toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo since college, and have actively wanted a tattoo for ten years. I've known the exact look and content of my tattoo, and where I wanted it on my body, for over three years. I decided to use turning 40 as an excuse to actually...you know...get the tattoo that I've thought about getting for two decades. And almost 8 months after my birthday...I actually did it! (I know. A bit impulsive, but what can I say?)

After finally pulling the trigger, I am happy to report that I LOVE MY TATTOO. Emma and Sophie love it too. Emma asked if she could get one of her own someday. "Sure!" I replied. After all, I'm no hypocrite. I explained that if she decides to get a tattoo when she turns 40, I will be fully supportive. Em seemed to find this logic fair and just. (Because IT IS.)

BIG, BIG thanks to my castmates Allie and Jordan, who gave me the push I needed to go and stayed by my side the whole time. Without them, it might have taken me another twenty years.That's not a joke.

Just before. So excited! 
And a little nauseous. Lightheaded.
Perhaps thisclose to a mini panic attack. 
But...EXCITED!

Here we go! And...yep. It hurts.

It gets a little better as we go along, but...yep. Still hurts.

My tattoo artist was really good. Thorough, quick, precise, and patient. Bless her.

My friend Allie held my hand the entire time, while also taking tons of one-handed photos, while also telling an elaborate story about a head-dancing mink just to take my mind off the pain. Allie is good people.

DONE! That's a smile of relief, folks. Tremendous relief.

The final product: "starve the emptiness and feed the hunger" - an Indigo Girls lyric that holds great meaning for me.

And...post-tattoo happiness!

Emma in her own words

In answer to your question...yes, it is July 22nd and I'm just now going through the work my kids brought home on their last day of school 6 weeks ago. What of it?

And now...Miss Emma, in her own words.

Chris

My husband is a very generous and selfless human being.

He works hard at a job that he doesn't always like very much, just to make sure our family has all that we need. He does laundry, dishes, housework...more than his fair share. He fixes things...the things I ask him to fix, and the things I never even knew were broken. He does most of our grocery shopping. He cleans up all the dog poop in our backyard because he knows it makes me gag. He spends hours on our pool, making sure it is ready for us to use every day, even though he rarely gets to take a dip himself. He mows, does yard work. He cleans both cars, including the one he doesn't drive. He reads to the girls, plays with them, giggles with them, helps them with homework. He responds to almost all of my "Honey, can you do [insert task here] please?" texts with a simple "Yes, I can."

He always, always puts us first.

These are things that he does all the time, just because he is awesome.

In addition, he is really picking up the slack as my rehearsals heat up. He spends hours reading over lines with me - both running them with me and recording them with me so I can practice when he's at work. He picks up the girls from camp, gets them fed and bathed and tucked into bed. He has made plans - actual, thought-out-written-down plans - of what he wants to do with the girls this summer while I am off being an actor. Road trips, adventures, activities. He has declared it "The Summer of Daddy" with nothing but excitement in his voice. When I'm sitting on my ass because my back hurts (long story...chiropractor appointment Monday) or I'm running lines, he doesn't once say to me, "Can you get your lazy butt up and DO SOMETHING?" I lost a job recently...or quit, depending on who is telling the story, I guess. (Since this is my blog and my story, let's say lost, shall we?) I know he must be scared about money, but he never lets it show. He encourages me to chase my dreams and has never - NOT ONCE - said to me, "You are being selfish" or "You should be home more" or "You need to get a REAL job." He HAS said things to me such as, "I like seeing you happier," "You are so talented," "You seem more alive when you are creating," and, simply, "Yes." Yes, yes, and more yes.

I take him for granted once in awhile, because after 18 years of his awesomeness, I sometimes forget just how truly incredible he is. He deserves a better wife than me, but thank you baby Jesus, he doesn't seem to think so. (Most of the time, anyway.)

Despite my very accurate gushing about him above, he is not perfect. He is human, and flawed. But I consider that a gift. (Most of the time, anyway.) Those chinks in his armor are the only things that keep me from jumping into a car and heading for Canada so he can have a shot at a real damn wife.

He is my touchstone, my rock, my everything. Nothing - NOTHING - in my life works without him.

Everyone deserves a Chris. I am so incredibly grateful for mine.

Double Digits, Baby!

Our baby is 10 years old. Wow. Just...wow. A decade knowing and loving Miss Emma Bloom. What a gift.

Sleepover shenanigans to mark the momentous occasion.

 

 

 

 

And fun times with Every Flavor Beans...

 

My Favorite Day

First of all, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the awesome moms I know, and all the ones I don't. Every mother in the world deserves a day of appreciation and pampering, which is probably why the powers-that-be went and made Mother's Day a national holiday and all. 

Since having kids, this is my favorite day of the year. Maybe because I'm a Christmas baby, or maybe absolutely because I'm a narcissist, I really like having a day all about me! And my family puts so much thought into making the day special, which really touches me.

I absolutely love seeing the excitement in my girls as they give me my presents. This year, Sophie woke me up with a Breakfast in Bed Bag, complete with tea and a granola bar.

She also decorated a special photo frame for me. She was very proud of herself, as she should be.

Emma gave me a wonderful gift basket with a picture frame she put together at school, three new nail polishes, and a lime orange foot rub that she made from scratch. (My DIY girl.)

 

Em also made me a card, with a picture of me (not bad, right?) and a beautiful note inside that made me cry. (It references another gift still to come. She knows how to build anticipation!)

And both girls wrote me something special...a letter from Sophie and a poem from Emma.

 

 

Chris would not be outdone, surprising me with a brand new desk. Our old one came with the house, and it's been held together by random staples and lots of prayer for quite awhile. I was totally blown away by the surprise.

Even better than the gift itself is that he worked all day long to put the thing together for me. As he labored away, I told my girls that flowers and candy might be the stuff of fairy tales, but having a guy dedicate an entire day toward building something just for you is true romance. Sophie said, "Mommy, it makes me so happy that Daddy did that for you. It makes me happy that he loves you."

Eight hours later, the masterpiece was complete. Ta da! My hero.

I am full of gratitude for this wonderful family of mine. I sure do dig them a lot, and I'm super glad they feel the same way about me. Long live Mother's Day!

Who Is This Girl?

My daughter - the same one that usually makes us late to school EVERY SINGLE DAY - set her own alarm and was up, dressed, and making her own lunch before I was even out of bed. Normally our mornings consist of me slapping peanut butter on bread and begging, "Emma, please....MOVE!" about 37 times. Early rising and own-meal-making are both unprecedented. Is there an eclipse today? Something-or-other in retrograde? I tried to help out and she actually said to me, "Mommy, go sit down. I want to do this myself." 

I feel like I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

FLORIDA!

We want to Sarasota, Florida over spring break recently and had a great time. Don't be too jealous - it rained quite a bit of the time that we were there. I'm not complaining though. Compared to the weather in Chicago, it was absolutely glorious.

We managed to squeeze in a couple of beach days, and we had so much fun hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa Kitty (a.k.a. Chris's Mom and stepdad) in their beautiful new home. (All those photos below that are taken in front of the plate glass window, with the gorgeous foliage outside? Yeah. That's their living room.)

We also went to Clearwater Marine Aquarium for the day to see Winter the dolphin and her new friend Hope, which was a definite highlight of the trip. Chris and I even got a couple of nights to ourselves! Two yummy dinners alone, acting all like adults and shizz, plus an exquisite evening seeing my beloved Indigo Girls in concert. So. Nice. All in all, an awesome trip with dear family that ended way too soon.

Some photos below. Enjoy!

Happy St. Patrick's Day from Sophie

Translation: I am lucky for my family. My sister cheers me up when I am feeling sad. My Dad always gets me treats. My Mom goes with me on a ride when I am scared. I love when I am lucky.