I had a root canal today. Now, keep in mind that I have a debilitating fear of dentists. (All those years of cavities and braces, I am sure.) In fact, before my latest visit, I hadn't even been to the dentist in at least 10 years. I am not exactly proud of this, but nevertheless. The only thing that finally drove me there after all this time was extreme pain. I kept putting it off and putting it off, until denial was simply no longer an option. So, with great dread, I finally broke down and faced the music.
Fast forward five dentist visits and one crown later, and here I am, waiting in a specialist's office to get the mother of all dental procedures. (And might I digress, just for a moment, that if someone ever tells you they must have a root canal, please do NOT reply with, "Oh yeah, I had one of those and it was awful." I cannot tell you how many times in the last week I have been the recipient of just such a response. That's like telling a pregnant mother that childbirth is akin to red-hot flames devouring your body from the inside out for several hours. Yes, it's true - but really, do you have to SAY it???)
Anyway, back to me, preparing to have my roots ripped out of my mouth. The dentist came in to discuss the procedure, and I am embarrassed to admit that I started crying in the dentist's chair before I even got out a single word. The dentist was very gentle and wanted to know what I was afraid of. The pain? No, not really. The recovery? Again, no...I'd been suffering in limbo for so many months that I was actually eager to move on to the pain of recovery. So then...what? What was I afraid of? I couldn't answer him, because I honestly did not know. I was horrified at my lack of courage and was asking myself the same question over and over all the way to the dentist's office as my hands shook uncontrollably on the steering wheel and my nose gushed blood (oh yes, I was SO stressed out that I actually brought on a nosebleed): Why are you so scared? Why are you so scared? Why are you so SCARED?!
I guess it all boils down to fear of the unknown. That Fear is something I spend enormous amounts of my energy trying to overcome in just about every aspect of my life. It gets to all of us I suppose - how can it not? - and everyone appears to handle it differently. I've seen fear cripple some and galvanize others. I'm not sure which camp I fall into - perhaps somewhere in between. But I DO try to face it, even when the Fear is at its worst. Whenever I feel that I can't do it absolutely no I can't I can't I CAN NOT DO IT (whatever IT may be at that particular time), I think of my girls. I think how much I want to equip them with the tools to face their fears instead of running away from them. And I know very well that I can drill that lesson into them every day of their life, but the only way they will truly learn is if they see the lesson in action...see ME in action, not just talking the talk but walking the walk. And OH, do I want those girls to hold their beautiful, vulnerable, irreplaceable heads high throughout this crazy, unpredictable life...so walk I must.
And so, speaking of drills...even though I excused myself to the bathroom and very seriously considered sneaking out of the building, driving home, lying to my husband and saying I got it done, and then just living quietly in pain for the rest of my life, I didn't do any of those things. I went back in and took a valium (yeah, I'm trying to be brave, but I'm not STUPID - it was offered and I jumped on it!), breathed deeply, said a prayer, and let the dentist do his thing. And, of course, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd envisioned. It never is, is it? A mere two hours later (good gracious, that's a long time to have your mouth open [insert dirty joke here]), I was done.
When I got home Emma asked me if I was scared, and I answered her honestly: Yes I was. But I also told her that even though I was scared I went through with it anyway. "Just like my dragons Mommy," she replied.
So true. Just like her dragons, the ones that visit her every night in her nightmares, the ones we are trying to teach her to face head-on until they back down and go away.
And it occurred to me: I want to raise a family of dragon slayers. Not fearless dragon slayers, yet dragon slayers all the same. Today I took on a huge dragon, and I brought him DOWN. And tonight while sleeping, Emma will do the same. Bravery is not a gift, not an attribute, not a right: bravery is a decision. So bring it on, dragons! Us Mathews chicks will decide to face you, every time, no matter how scary you are. And we will WIN!!!!! Because in the decision lies the victory.
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