Santa is real and lives in Chicago Ridge Mall

We took the kids to see Santa yesterday. This was the first year they were both actually excited to see him, which was fun. However, the "elf" who was taking the picture was so annoying. Her idea of getting a sobbing, terrified child to calm down was to scream the child's name at the top of her lungs while making ridiculous faces that made her look like she was having a seizure. (Yeah...that's gonna make the children less scared. Good strategy.) There was a baby that went before us that was so incredibly chill. She had the most beautiful eyes...eyes that had seen a lot and had stories to tell, you know what I mean? The eyes of an old soul. And the moment the baby was placed on Santa's lap, she just kept staring up at him with the most serene look of complete recognition. She and Santa gazed at each other for at least 10 seconds, and it was the Cutest Thing EVER. I was like, "That's the shot! That's IT! Take the damn picture, elf!" But all the stupid woman cared about was getting the baby to look at the camera, so she just kept screaming and waving and contorting and totally missed the boat. Chris couldn't believe how worked up I got about the damn photographer, but she was a deeply annoying woman and obvious amateur with no artistic instincts whatsoever (not that I'm judgmental or anything) who didn't deserve the privilege of working with this amazing Santa.

Because amazing he was. This dude was the realest-looking Santa Claus that Chris or I had ever seen. His beard was real! No age makeup! Clearly, he was a pro. He was soft-spoken and gentle, but also authoritative and grave. The girls ate up his every word. He listened very carefully to their requests and looked each of them in the eye when they spoke. Then he told the girls that they had been mostly good this year, but that they needed to stop fighting and help out Mommy more. (Santa almost got a lap dance of gratitude from me on that one. I wonder if the damn elf would have photographed THAT.)

Emma is absolutely, 100% convinced that he was the real Santa. (I think it was the beard that got her.) Real or not, he was one hell of a step up from the mall Santa we had a few years ago that was about 25 years old and looked like a serial killer. So thank you, Mr. Claus, for a job well done. (And no one will think less of you if you ship that annoying elf off to Easter Island or something, Santa. She seriously needs to go.)