Is anyone else finding that the humidity is wreaking havoc on their hair? Mine is longer again for the first time in years, and the closer we get to summer, the more I look like Bozo the Clown. But hey...I digress.
Guess what ya'll...I'm in a new show!
As most of you know, one of the places I work for is Erasing the Distance, a kick-ass organization that sheds light on mental health issues through theatre. I am ETD's Communications Director and an actor in the ensemble. We have an amazing world premiere opening May 14th called Good Enough, which features the stories of five women living with depression or bipolar disorder, and guess who is performing one of the stories? That's right...ME!
I am very proud to be part of this show for a myriad of reasons, but top of the list is the (sad) fact that it is extremely rare to be in a play with an all-female cast, plus a female director, stage manager, and production manager. I've been acting since I was 9 years old, and this is the first time it has happened to me. HOW COOL IS THAT??? (Obviously, I think it's pretty cool.) Don't miss your chance to see five glorious female actors rock the stage, because it doesn't happen very often folks. The play is at Chicago's Center on Halsted, and I invite all you local yokels to come out and get your Good Enough groove on! (No, it's not a musical. I don't know why I keep using musical analogies. I think it's because I'm kind of excited for Rock of Ages? But I'll stop now.) Anyway, click here for all the Good Enough details.
Also - below is a short promo video we made about the production. Check it out! And then, I command you: grab your girlfriends, order your tickets, and get thee to the theater! Me and my hair ginormous clown wig will see you there.
I don't scrapbook. I hate crafts, I can barely sew on a button, and don't get me started on quilting/crocheting/knitting/etc. But I do attempt to document things, albeit very sporadically, through this blog...and dude, I love photos. Know what I love even MORE than photos? Putting together my family's yearly photo books.
In the past, just about the only person who witnessed my photo book handiwork was my poor husband, who is typically forced every year to view approximately 22 different drafts and then attempt to tell me which version he likes best without letting on to his hyper-sensitive wife that, in reality, he can't tell any of them apart. (My husband is a master at emotional tightrope walking. He has been studying for over 16 years, and at this point he has at least six different graduate degrees in ETW from the Jenny-Math Institute for People Who Love Emotional Time Bombs.)
But this year, I can share my photo book with THE WORLD! (And by THE WORLD, I mean the 16 people who read this blog faithfully.) And since all 16 of you know how much I love phoning in rounding out blog posts with photos, you know I'm not gonna turn down the opportunity to shove my family's gorgeous photogenic genes down everyone's throats.
So without further delay, I present the Mathews Family's Year In Review: 2011. Check it out below or click here if you want to see a larger version. Either way - enjoy! (Oh - and if you aren't in the book, it's probably because we didn't see you that year and/or simply have no photos of you from 2011. It's not because we don't like you or you pissed us off or we fear your ugliness will muck up our beautiful photo book, I PROMISE.)
Current Books: She just told me she loves Liz Kessler books, especially Philippa Fisher and Emily Windsnap. She is reading Philippa Fisher and the Fairy's Promise at the moment. She just finished The Watsons Go To Birmingham 1963 and wouldn't stop talking about it. I caught her giggling out loud when reading it more than once. (As a huge reader myself, this sight made my heart absolutely SOAR.) She is eagerly awaiting her birthday because I made a stupid promise one year ago that she could start reading the My Sister The Vampire books when she turned 8 years old, so now I have to stick to it. Of course, I remember reading my mother's Danielle Steel books when I was around her age, so there are worse things.
Current Music: She is super duper in love with Selena Gomez right now. I seriously hear "Love You Like A Love Song," "Who Says?" and "A Year Without Rain" in my sleep. She and I are both really digging Taylor Swift's new song off the Hunger Games soundtrack, "Safe and Sound." I try to push her toward these types of singers whenever I can, but unfortunately Kesha is still on our playlist too. However, I feel I've been at least mildly successful in influencing her musical choices because she loves her some Kelly Clarkson and Pink, and really...who in their right mind doesn't??
Current TV/Film: TV: "Austin & Ally" and "Wizards of Waverly Place." She would be loath to admit it, but she also gets sucked into a lot of her sister's "baby" shows. We haven't been to a movie in awhile. I think the last one was Lorax, which both girls seemed to enjoy. Her all-time favorite movie of the moment is Dolphin Tale.
Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasures:
Running around naked, smacking her butt and chanting "Shake your booty, shake shake your booty" while I huddle in a corner and try to resuscitate her unconscious father.
Putting her hands under her shirt and pretending she has "boobies."
Blowing bubbles in her dirty bathwater, a pastime she's seduced her sister into doing as well.
Gleefully sticking her stinky feet in my face.
Having heated, one-way conversations with various game characters as she's playing her Nintendo DS.
Wearing her favorite pair of jeans several days in a row. She'll only stop after I order her to put them in the laundry, and not before she falls to the floor, cradles the jeans to her chest and shrieks, "But they aren't gross yet, I swear! JUST ONE MORE DAY!"
Current Color: Black, blue and purple. (Check out the "Current Color" section of my recent Currents: Sophieblog post, to which I say: A-HA!)
Current Links: ST Math, Disney Coloring Pages, and Funny Kitties songs on Youtube.
Current Fetish: She will only wear pants and t-shirts. The pants must be skinny jeans or leggings. No pants that are "puffy" and make her look fat. (Oh yes, that is a direct quote. And oh yes, it pains me terribly.) Still no dresses. Also, she always wears at least two ponytail holders around each of her wrists because "the colors help make her hands pop."
Current Outfit: Black leggings, blue t-shirt.
Current Drink: Lemonade, water, green tea. Soda whenever she can sneak it past me.
Current Wish List:
To not have to changes schools when we move to our new house.
To get her ears pierced.
To have a huge party for her birthday.
To move to Indiana, St. Louis or Florida (near family members) instead of living in Chicago, where "there is nothing to do."
To have her own phone, laptop and ipod.
To go to Florida and meet Winter the dolphin.
To have a bunk bed.
To drink soda "with every meal for the rest of my life."
(Guess how many of these wishes are going to come true? I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with "sun.")
Current Triumph: I don't know if this counts as a triumph, but she just got her hair cut and she's pretty excited about it. Also, she's now lost six teeth and happily shares that fact with complete strangers, along with the fact that she's "practically a third grader."
Current Bane Of Her Existence: Well, this could go on forever. Learning to ride a bike, the wind blowing her hair, muscle cramps, homework, wearing jackets, clothes that itch, spiders, wet hair on her neck. When I asked Emma directly, here was her reply: "Sophie annoying me and you telling me to do things that don't make any sense, like be responsible. Oh - and be sure to put in there that I don't like casserole."
Current Celebrity Crush: Selena Gomez and Winter the dolphin
Current Indulgence: Jewelry. She just used her own money to buy "Best Friends" bracelet and necklace sets. She gave the matching bracelet to her friend Violet and the matching necklace to her friend Olivia. She also has an Emma necklace from Grandma Kitty and a bracelet from Gigi that she wears almost every day.
Current Excitement: She is so excited for her birthday. Like, SO EXCITED. She's been talking about it since February. Seriously.
Current Mood: Dramatic. Ebullient. Unpredictable. Giddy. Mercurial. Dynamic. Tenacious. Maddening. Utterly, completely entertaining. A glorious tornado of opinions, thoughts, and feelings...that's our Emma Bloom.
Current Books: Some of her favorites are the Pinkalicious and Frances series of books, Marcel the Shell, Skippyjohn Jones (she only has the first book but listens to the author read them all on CD). But she also loves chapter books. We've read the first Secrets of Droon book three times and she likes the Disney Fairies series. She also loves this app on Chris's phone where Grover reads Monster At The End Of This Book.
Current Music: She just asked today if I could put Nicki Minaj's "Turn Me On" on my ipod. But she'll still listen happily to Laurie Berkner. She's a musical conundrum. Chris has been playing both girls The Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" at night on his phone for a lullaby, but the song on his phone that they most adore is "The Duck Song." If you haven't seen the video, check it out below. Then picture my girls re-enacting it word-for-word, which they have done on multiple occasions.
Current TV/Film: TV shows: "Wow Wow Wubbzy," "Peppa Pig," "Team Umizoomi," "My Little Pony." Oh, and "Powerpuff Girls," of course. For movies...she says her favorite is anything with Ariel (ie, My Little Mermaid or Ariel's Beginning) but she also loves the Barbie movies. Anything girly-girl.
Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Oh god. It's so gross. She picks her nose and then delicately, discreetly, puts her finger in her mouth and sucks. I have tried saying something to her about it more than once, but she just gets embarrassed and hides under the table. (Literally, this is what she has done every single time. It's like a pre-programmed response, as if someone hypnotized her and then suggested she climb under the nearest table immediately upon hearing the phrase "Please stop eating your boogers.") I don't have the heart to ask her to stop anymore. When I was little, a boy at school ate dirt every single day during recess. By the handful. Like...he gobbled it. So if she likes the taste of her own snot, who am I to judge? Eventually a peer is gonna give her grief over it, and the behavior will cease. Or maybe not. Kids made fun of the dirt-eating boy all the time, and he just kept scooping the stuff into his mouth with a smile on his face.
Current Color: When I asked her what her favorite colors are, she said black and purple and blue. But I think she is just saying that to copy her big sister. (Although when I stupidly said this comment aloud, it was greeted by outraged tears and much foot-stomping denial.) I think her true favorite colors are purple and pink.
Current Links: She isn't on the computer much, but she plays a lot of Internet games on Chris's phone, like The Cupcake Game and The Fairy Game and The Dora Game. (Do you sense a theme?)
Current Fetish: Hmmm...this one always stumps me. I think it's the word "fetish." It conjures decidedly un-preschoolish images in my mind. But let's see...I guess the one that drives me the most crazy is her "actually" fetish. For example, I will ask if she wants a waffle for breakfast, and she will say no. Then, approximately 30 seconds later, she'll say, "Well, actually, I do." Or we will pick out a book for bed, get all snuggled in, and then on page 10 she will declare, "Actually, I want to read a different book tonight." Or I will make her a sandwich for lunch, and she'll take two bites and announce, "Well, actually...I wanted soup." She always emphasizes the word "actually" in this passive-aggressively hostile way, like she's doing so just to drive the point across that SHE OWNS ME. The only other fetish I can think of is leggings. The girl will not wear anything but leggings. Period. Oh - and she's pretty much obsessed with her Nintendo DS and Xbox's "Rayman" game.
Current Outfit: Blue dress with multi-colored flower/asterick thingies all over, pink striped leggings and black boots.
Current Drink: Lately, it's all lemonade all the time. We drink sugar-free Crystal Light, which is basically just flavored water, so I consider this a major step up from constant orange juice.
Current Wish List: She talks often about swimming in a pool. Every day, when the sun is out and it's even remotely warm, she asks if we can go to the pool. I explain to her that the pool is not open yet, and then the next day, she asks again. She has swim lessons every Saturday, and at least one point during the day Sun-Fri, she asks if today is the day she has swim lessons and can swim in the pool. We are in the process of (hopefully) buying a house that comes with an above-ground pool, and while I am thrilled about finally owning our home - and in particular, this home - for a multitude of reasons, I get most excited imagining her joy when it sinks in that she has a pool inherownbackyard.
Current Triumph: No more pull ups at night! She's been potty trained for almost two years, but we haven't been able to get past wearing a diaper at night. I wasn't stressed about it at all - her sister was the same way. We worried about it a little bit with Emma, but one day she just didn't seem to need them anymore and that was that...so I figured it would go similarly for Sophie. Of course, in almost every other situation in which I've assumed the second daughter would behave just like the first daughter, I've been deadwrong. But in this case, I was actually right! (Cue the band, folks. That's worth a few crashing symbols at least.) Sophie inexplicably started staying dry all night a couple weeks ago, and she hasn't had a single accident since we tossed the pull ups for good. She is ridiculously proud of herself for this...as she should be!
Current Bane Of Her Existence: She hates when people laugh at her. It's a problem, because she does a lot of genuinely funny things and can't seem to decipher the difference between when someone is laughing with her and someone is laughing at her. From her perspective, it always feels like we are mocking her and she gets very upset and demands we stop. So we've gotten in the habit of turning our faces and stifling our giggles so she doesn't see, which to me feels more like mocking her than just laughing openly, but it keeps her happy. She also complains of a stomachache almost every day, which both breaks my heart and worries the hell out of me. They don't slow her down; she doesn't act sick. But on an almost daily basis she utters the words, "My stomach hurts." I don't know if it's what she is eating, or anxiety, or something more than that. I've been advised that if she doesn't seem to be in actual physical pain (ie, doubled over, not eating, throwing up, etc.) then to let it go, but I'm starting to wonder if I should take her to the doctor. I just hate to open up that door of various tests, etc, if we don't need to. If anyone has any suggestions for this, send 'em my way please!
Current Celebrity Crush: Right now, the Easter Bunny
Current Indulgence: Slushies
Current Excitement: She can't wait to go to real school. Of course, I've explained to her many times that she won't be old enough for kindergarten for over a year, but I don't think she gets it. She is also very excited to be allowed to chew gum when she turns five and to grow her hair long.
Current Mood: Unpredictable. She's grown moodier as she's grown older. She can be so happy and light and silly one day, and then grumpy and whiny and tantrum-y the next. It's hard to predict and even harder to control. But at her core, she has a kind and loving nature. Right now we are just trying to weather the storm and live for the sunny days.
It has come to my attention that I have been horribly remiss in my blog postings lately. Perhaps on another day I will wax poetic about all the reasons why, but right now I just don't have time. (I know, I know...my life is just so terribly busy and important, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!?)
In the meantime, feast upon the fast food of blogger-dom...PHOTOS!
Emma as a Starbucks barista in her school play.
Grandma Kitty and Daddy with the breakout star!
The girls with cousin Micah, Gigi and Paw Paw in St. Louis.
Playing Banana Boat in the park.
The kids enjoying their gifts from the Easter Bunny.
Striking a pose at the Botanical Garden.
Family pic! (Yes, all three girls are in pajamas. That's just how we roll here, peeps.)
Yesterday, I was lounging on the couch while Sophie played happily beside me, spinning round and round in the office chair that seems to have taken up permanent residence in the middle of our living room. The sun was shining through our picture window, and the birds were chirping outside. It was a lovely, lazy Saturday afternoon, and I was reveling in the kind of relaxing moment I don't often allow myself, breathing in the sound of Sophie's giggles as my eyelids grew heavy.
Suddenly, apropos of nothing, Sophie stopped spinning and looked directly at me. Very thoughtfully and clearly, she said, "I don't want you to be my Mommy anymore. I want a new Mommy."
"Why don't you want me to be your Mommy?" I asked with genuine curiosity.
"Well," Sophie replied, "I just don't like you very much. I wish your hair was blonde and your skin was brown. I want a different Mommy."
"Are you joking?" I asked. (Fact: four-year-olds can be hilarious, but most have good comic timing only by accident. I thought maybe this was an attempt on her part to be funny and her delivery just needed a lot of work.)
"No, I'm not joking!" she answered, clearly offended by the mere accusation. "I just don't want you anymore, that's all."
Judging from her demeanor and tone of voice, she did indeed seem to be serious. Her statements were made without a trace of lightness or silliness, as if she had given careful consideration to this issue and had simply come to the conclusion that I suck.
In retrospect, I can think of several calm, carefully measured responses that I could have employed, responses that would have surely resulted in the kind of heartfelt parent/child discussion that invariably ends with smiles, hugs, and running through the grass together in slow motion. And despite being completely stunned, I gave it the old college try at first.
"Sophie, why would you say something like that?" I asked as neutrally as I could. "Remember how Mommy told you that if we don't have something nice to say to someone, then it's better not to say anything at all? Telling someone you don't like them very much and want them to go away is not very nice. You really hurt my feelings."
And then, of course, because I am...well...me, I promptly burst into tears.
Intellectually, I realized that her words were coming from some previous point of reference I just didn't understand and that I shouldn't take them personally. But emotionally, I was pretty devastated.
When she saw that I was crying, she immediately gave me a hug and said that she was sorry. Then a few minutes later she announced gleefully, "Mommy, I DO want you to be my Mommy! I changed my mind!"
I have no idea what prompted the bizarre exchange. She didn't bring up the subject again, and I was hesitant to do so myself because a) I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and b) I didn't trust myself to talk about it without getting all weepy.
My daughters constantly amaze me with their random thoughts and observations, many of which have been recorded on this blog. Kids truly tell it like it is, and anyone who develops a relationship with a child learns quickly to set vanity aside. Both of my children have also said unkind things in anger, and while the comments can be upsetting, I understand the words are coming from a place of frustration and I try not to take the sentiments to heart.
But yesterday was different. Sophie wasn't merely offering up her unique and (mostly) innocuous perspective on life, and she wasn't lashing out. Her comments were presented as a simple statement of fact, and it felt personal. It felt real. Perhaps that's why I'm still brooding over it. I know Sophie loves me, but the thought that I've done anything to make her contemplate, even briefly, that she'd rather not have me as a mother is a horrifying thought. I wish I were thicker-skinned, but truthfully...it's gonna take me awhile to let go of this one.
Life seems hard to to keep up with lately. Work is great, but busy and sometimes overwhelming. Life? Ditto. I made it through my step aerobic class today, and felt really proud of myself for slowly starting to get back into my workout plan. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Sigh. That was a very hard moment. Cue self-loathing. What I wouldn't do to exorcise the demon inside of me that insists in seeing only the flaws, only the fat, only the dark. I had great plans for a fun day with the girls, and Emma is now in her bedroom crying after having her DS and dessert taken away for the day for backtalking. Such is life around here sometimes many times. Sophie is playing a game beside me and periodically telling me she loves me. She is the chosen child for the moment, and she knows it, is reveling in it. The girls play the "flip-flop" game a lot, taking turns being the "naughty" one and the "favored" one in any given situation. I suppose I should be grateful that they rarely lose it at the same time, but the manipulation of the whole love-me-see-me-I-am-the-"good"-one is sometimes startling. I vacillate between wondering if I expect too much of my children and wondering if I do not expect enough. I worry that I am raising brats, which is an all-too-realistic fear since I can often be a brat myself. Monkey see, monkey do. What a balancing act between trying to accept your kids as they are and encourage self-expression while also raising polite, thoughtful, considerate human beings. I don't think I'm a bad parent, but I recognize that I am often an ineffective one. My husband and I are starting down the long, scary road of home ownership. We just started looking, so it's early days, early days. I have a tendency to fixate on something and want it NOW NOW NOW, so I'm trying my best to turn off that side of my brain. My new mantra is slow and steady, slow and steady, Slow And Steady. I have no idea where we will land, or when we will land, but it's exciting to think we will land somewhere sometime. Until recently, Chris and I didn't think we'd be able to ever buy a home for our family, so knowing that we have more options than we thought is a giddy relief. The trick is to be patient, wait for the right fit, and trust that whenever it happens is when it is supposed to happen and we will end up exactly where we were meant to be all along. I am better at that in theory than I am in practice, unfortunately. I feel somewhat lonely lately. I have many acquaintances and a handful of friends, but very few people to whom I feel comfortable revealing myself. I imagine this to be a relatively common thing - or at least, that's what I tell myself. Who knows the truth of the matter, because no one really tells the truth anymore...at least not the truth of how they are truly feeling. Why is that, I wonder? I find bluntness and forthrightness in others so incredibly refreshing. Alas. As for me...I think, right now, in this moment, my truefeelings are hard to isolate and identify. I feel a little lost, a little sad, a little optimistic, a little loved, a little spoiled, a little scared, a little grateful, a little ungrateful. A lot self-involved. :)
I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, that ain't too bad.
Sophie is really rocking Emma's world right now. I just overheard this conversation from the bedroom where they are playing.
Emma: "Do you wanna play the Yes or No game?"
Sophie: "Sure!"
Em: "Okay, I ask you a question and you try to answer it without using the words Yes or No. Got it?"
Soph: "Uh huh. I'm gonna say yes because I want you to win!"
Em: "No, that's not how it works. You try not to say yes or no, okay?"
Soph: "Okay."
Em: "Here's your first question: Do you like cats?"
Soph: "Yes."
Em: "Oops, you said yes! I win!"
Sophie: "YES! Emma wins!"
Em: "That means you lose, Sophie."
Soph: "That's okay. I wanted you to win."
Em: "What? WHY?!?"
Sophie: "Because. I wanted to share the winning."
Em: "That doesn't even make any sense."
Sophie: "Yes, it does. It's for being nice, Emma. Now you let me win, okay?"
[Pause]
Em: "You are so weird."
I know...I've really been phoning it in with the photos lately. I'm just too busy to write much, so I'll have to keep letting the pictures do the talking.
The girls are both in swimming lessons, and Emma loves it. What she lacks in technique, she makes up for in enthusiasm. She is fearless and completely at ease in the water. Her teacher holds onto the other kids and coaxes them along, but as you can see in the above photo, he doesn't even try to keep up with Emma. He just lets her go. He told me that she is meant to be in the water, and it's hard not to agree when I see how happy it makes her.
This is the face of one very happy girl.
Sophie also loves her lessons, but she isn't quite as comfortable in the water as Emma yet. This photo is about as relaxed as Sophie is able to get right now. (No, she's not playing "Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board." She's trying to float.) But she's got plenty of time to become more at ease. Sophie's favorite part is putting her face in the water and blowing bubbles. At one point during the lesson she cracked her teachers up by shouting, "Look, Mama! They let us SPIT here!"
Seriously...how cute is that little Buddha belly?
In other news, the Tooth Fairy is pretty much our new best friend. Emma has now lost four teeth in the last six weeks or so, and she is in full lisps-when-talks and gnaws-food-out-of-side-of-mouth mode. It is actually pretty charming. What is not so charming is watching Chris pull her barely-dangling tooth out with pliers. Daddy and daughter both claim it doesn't hurt at all, but I skedaddle when it's happening anyway. Even though I cover my ears and sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb" until it is over, I still get queasy just at the thought of it. I'm sorry, but that's nasty. Once again, Daddy does the heavy lifting while I just try to go to my happy place.
When I took a picture of Emma's teeth, Sophie (of course) wanted a photo of her teeth taken too. After I snapped the pic, I giggled and asked where her eyes went. She decided she wanted to take another photo, this time with her eyes open. The photo below is her attempt to smile without shutting her eyes. Personally, I think she might need a little more practice. What do you think?
One of the most kick-ass writers I know, Lisa Sniderman, just wrote an absolutely fabulous blog post on weight and eating issues. Yes, it happens to be on Erasing the Distance's blog...and yes, I happen to work for them. I fully cop to the potential conflict in interest. But honestly, if I had read this blog entry on any other blog on the web, I would immediately bookmark it and share it with every single person I know. And that's essentially what I'm doing right now by linking to to the post right here.
I could go on and on about why Lisa's writing post spoke to me so deeply, but what's the point when you can just check it out on your own? Do yourself a favor: READ IT. Then SHARE IT. And then...however way you can, in whatever capacity you can, LIVE IT.
For the sake of my daughters as well as myself, I certainly intend to try.
Here are a few bon mots from my kids that I've posted on Facebook recently. (Yeah, I know it's kinda lazy to re-post already-published stuff to my blog. I never claimed to be an overachiever.)
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Emma: "Can you put the song 'I'm Sexy And I Know It' on your ipod for me?"
Me: "What? You don't even know what the word 'sexy' means."
Emma: "Yes I do." [whispers in ear] "It's when two people get naked and kiss each other in private parts of town."
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Me: "Sophie? You okay in there?"
Sophie: "Yeah. I'm just standing here looking at the toilet."
Me: "Oh. Well maybe you could actually go potty, since that's what I asked you to do."
Sophie: "No, thank you. I'll just stand here and look for fish."
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Just showed Emma "We Are The World" on You Tube because she is studying it in school.
Emma: "Wow, how long ago did they do this?"
Me: "Hmmm...I wanna say sometime in the late '80s."
Emma: "What? That's right after baby Jesus was born!"
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Walking into our house from the car...
Sophie: "My tummy hurts."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry to..."
Sophie: "BUT MY VAGINA DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE, MOMMY. I RUBBED IT AND IT FEELS BETTER NOW."
Neighbors on both sides of our apartment (And of course they are outside when this happens, why wouldn't they be? After all, it's a balmy 25 degrees outside!) freeze and gape as the word "vagina" echoes through the night. This is not artistic license, people...I am telling you, it echoed.
Me: "Well, I thank you for sharing, Sophie...and so does the rest of the neighborhood."
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Sophie: "My panda is dead because bad guys came and used a gun and shot him and he tried to duck but it didn't work and our Dad didn't fight the bad guys because he was at work. I'm not joking. That actually happened."
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Sophie just introduced me to her "pretend friend." Her name is No Name, and she likes to read books and kill pandas. That is an exact quote, folks. What is up with this kid and dead pandas?
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Emma: "I wish I had a new baby sister who was just a baby and NEVER grew up and then I'd never have to bother with her and she'd be so cute!"
Sophie: "Yes, that would be fun. Baby sister!"
Emma (whispering to me while pointing to Sophie behind her cupped hand): "I meant INSTEAD of her." Sigh. "She just doesn't get it."
Wow. Just typing that sentence feels self-indulgent. And, in a way, I believe that it is.
This past year was not filled with any debilitating disasters or losses for me. In fact, if anything, 2011 was a year of riches, particularly compared to what others endure every day. I still have my job, and acquired another one this year that I love equally. My children are healthy, happy, and thriving. My husband, in spite of all reason, seems to love me more than ever. I am surrounded by supportive family and wonderful friends. I want for nothing that I truly need. And therefore, any complaining on my part feels not only self-indulgent, but selfish and petty. I mean, if life were rated on a 1-10 scale, any objective observer would give mine a 9. I am a very lucky woman, and I am deeply grateful.
I just sometimes have trouble feeling it all.
Clinical depression is something I have struggled with my entire adult life. I was first diagnosed in college, and Depression and I have had a very up-and-down relationship ever since. Like any relationship, we have moments of bliss when everything seems to click. I let Depression alone, and she does the same for me. We do our own thing and are happy for it. We are both still aware of the other's presence, but that awareness only helps enhance our happiness because we both understand, more intimately than anyone else could, how hard we've fought to get to such an awesome place. In blissful times, we are each other's biggest supporters. We stand back and cheer each other on unobtrusively.
But there are darker times in the relationship when we clash. We drag each other down, tear each other apart, hold each other back. Those are the really rough patches, the valleys of despair when the only defense against the pain is to embrace numbness. The goal becomes simply to plow through, to try not to feel anything. But the numbness becomes heavy, like pounds of mud sitting on my shoulders, and it takes all my energy just to keep moving through the muck. I feel exhausted, weighed down, apathetic, detached. During those times, Depression and I are not on the same side. We want different things - I to rise up, and she to keep me down. And so, it becomes a battle. Once more into the breach, dear friends. We fight, and fight, and fight, and fight, and fight again.
2011 was a year of fighting.
Depression and I have been together a long time. Long enough for me to know that eventually, we will once again find a way to live together peacefully. It takes time, and patience, and a lot of work. Some days we almost get there; other days we are at each others' throats. However, after many years of denial, I've finally accepted that Depression isn't going anywhere. No matter how hard I try to push her away, she always comes back. We seem to need each other, her and I. For better or worse, we are a pair. Whether friend or enemy (and she has been both to me), she is always a part of my life. Recognizing that fact has been oddly liberating. While I don't particularly enjoy Depression's company, knowing that I can finally stop expending so much energy trying to get rid of her is freeing. Depression is here to stay. The only option is for us to learn to co-exist, and that is what I focus my energy on now. Finding and maintaining the balance between us is continuous work, but it is worthwhile work.
And so, in 2012, the work continues.
I don't talk about my relationship with Depression much because, as I referenced earlier, doing so often feels self-indulgent. I fear that people will judge me, will look at my admittedly wonderful life and think, "What in the hell do you have to feel depressed about?" And part of the reason I fear that is because, deep down, I share that opinion. It is ridiculous that I should feel so empty when my life is so full. It makes NO SENSE. But, unfortunately, depression is a senseless illness. I know that to be true.Yet I still struggle with the guilt of not being able to just shake off the damn self-pity and enjoy life. So if I - someone who understands depression more than your average Joe - can still feel that way, it seems reasonable that others would probably label me a whiny narcissist.
Yet, on the flip side, the same average Joe doesn't have the opportunity to understand depression if no one ever talks about it. Ay, there's the rub. (Oh, William. You understood depression well, didn't you my friend?)
There is still much to my relationship with Depression that I don't feel comfortable revealing...and perhaps I never will. Like any relationship, I believe that many of the more intimate details should remain private. However, I do think it important to try and strip away the fear of speaking of it at all. Giving voice can mean giving hope, and if my words help someone else, even in the smallest of ways, then the outcome outweighs the fear.
The one person in this world who understands the intricacies of my relationship with Depression better than any other is my husband. He knows how hard I am on myself, how much I struggle to feel my own beauty and worth, how much my depression manifests itself as self-loathing. He has seen the darkest parts of me, the parts that I hide from all others, and he is still my most steadfast friend and supporter. That alone is a priceless gift. And on my birthday a few days ago, he and my daughters gave me another gift - one of the most precious gifts I have ever received.
It was a simple hand mirror. (I have never owned a hand mirror. I'll let you guess why that might be.) But they decorated the back for me and attached a note to the mirror with ribbon.
I don't know if I will ever get to a place where I am able to fully accept myself as I am. One of the most harmful aspects of my relationship with Depression is how thoroughly she erodes my self-worth. But I believe that love IS beauty. So at this moment, as I hold my mirror in my hand and stare into the glass, I see the love of my family reflected back at me. And that love makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
Emma just gave me this birthday poem. I haven't quite decoded it all, and I'm starting to worry a bit about her spelling, but still...it made me smile.
Mom, Your so sweat [methinks she meant "sweet"] Because you have so much needs! Even though you have so much core, You have a husben who is a little bit more. Happy birthday Mom! Hope you have a wonderful call! Merre Christmas!
Here is a photo of one of the girls' many awesome Christmas gifts. They are pretty excited about it, but I don't think their excitement even comes close to matching mine. It came about 30 years later than I wanted, but I finally got my dream dollhouse. I may even let Emma and Sophie play with it once in awhile. Maybe.
