I had both a great and horrible day yesterday.
I booked another voiceover gig, this one a TV spot (and radio too) that will hopefully pay a little bit of dough. The bad part of the day was...yeah, you guessed it - arranging childcare. I had it all set, and then they changed the recording time on me 40 MINUTES before go, as I was literally parking outside their downtown studio, so then it started off a huge scramble of trying to find out who was going to watch Emma b/c the people that were watching her at that moment couldn't keep her all day. It was a real drag and I was very stressed, but what came out of it all was extreme gratefulness that I have such wonderful friends in my life. Jessica & Ben watched her from Noon - 2pm, and then Diane and Dave took over (and I mean literally TOOK OVER - going to pick her up from Jessica's and getting her all settled while I was going on and on about Eating Right Frozen Dinners in a studio on East Ohio) and kept her until after 4pm. Then she went to Gen & Craig's that evening from about 5:30 - 10pm so Chris and I could actually have a date and see a movie (imagine!), and Emma was a great, great girl through it all. I was experiencing some major Mommy guilt about shuttling her from one place to another so much in one day, but she just considered it a big adventure and had a blast. One thing 3 year olds are: ADAPTABLE. So to Jessica, Ben, Diane, Dave, Gen, Craig...and all the other friends & family that help me out - THANK YOU. It really does take a village to raise a child.
So I guess that my horrible news really had some good news rolled in...funny how sometimes typing things out makes you see the lesson of something more clearly. But the really great news is that I realized one of my personal dreams as an actor yesterday: I joined the Screen Actors Guild. I am now SAG and AFTRA affiliated, and very proud of it. I keep hitting little milestones here and there as an actor...good press, better jobs, my own theater company, critics picks, award nominations, and now double-union affiliation...yet, I wonder, WHEN will I feel like an "official" actor? I don't know. Sometimes I do. But yet...when people ask me what I do for a living, I usually say, "Oh, I'm a stay-at-home Mom, and I work part-time from home in PR and Marketing," and then I MIGHT throw in, "Oh, and I act." Like it's an afterthought, when in reality it is my lifeblood, my center, and it affects everything else that I DO do. Why do I do that? When will I feel confident filling in the Profession question on government forms with ACTOR? When I make more money? Become Equity? Do it exclusively? Make my first movie with Meryl? Win the Tony? What??? I don't know. I even do it with friends and family, play that aspect of myself down. When people ooh and ahh and ask questions, I'm always like "Oh, it's no big deal, it's not even how I make most of my living" - which makes it sound like a side project or something, and it SO is not. Weird. Maybe it's just in all of our natures to resist celebrating something that, in all honesty, we know we are DAMN good at? Like - oh no, don't talk about it, it's so tacky, act like it's no big deal? Or maybe I am just my father's daughter, and a history of phone calls telling him about a new part or accomplishment and having him ask, "How much are you getting paid?" and then hearing his interest wane in direct relation to how high or low the pay is have taken their toll, and now I just naturally think that way as well. Not that my Dad isn't supportive - he just doesn't get it, and really, it's kinda hard to get...how many people have found something they love so much in life that they are not only willing but COMPELLED to do it for all of their lives, despite ever making a living at it or the personal sacrifices it may entail? Dad's not the only one who doesn't get it - many don't. But I've found that if someone cares for you enough, they support you anyway. I certainly have that in my life, in abundance. So maybe the problem is that I don't care enough about myself to support myself - to stand up and say proudly I AM AN ACTOR and mean it and own it and be very, very, very proud of it.
I'm gonna work on that.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Oh woe is me
Hi. It's midnight on a Saturday and I can't sleep. Just got back from ICT's latest production, which rocked. Jeff Recommended, hopefully reviews will be kind. Everyone, as usual, has worked so hard. And, as usual, I'm proud of the results.
I don't think anyone really reads these blogs - no one's posted a comment or anything, and when cornered, even Chris confessed he doesn't read it - so I'm just gonna ramble, hence the title, right? Lately I've been feeling so strange. I think the paranoia part of the pregnancy has set in. I cry at inappropriate times, am convinced that good friends don't like me anymore, that I'm always thisclose to losing my job, that Chris is tired of me, that everyone's avoiding me/staring at me/talking about me - take your pick. So weird, I hate this part of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Emma, I literally had what can only be termed a mini-breakdown at my cousin's wedding shower - people were shouting over each other playing a game, I became convinced they were all shouting at me, I totally lost it and we had to leave - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOWER WE'D DRIVEN TWO HOURS TO ARRIVE AT. I hope it doesn't get that bad this time. These are the side effects of pregnancy no one talks about. Of course, it could just happen to me. In fact, that seems entirely plausible.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you slowly realize that everyone knows about something you don't? Like, a party or social event? And you are stuck in the incredibly unenviable position of realizing it at the same time that everyone else realizes it too and tries to cover for it, which only makes it worse? Like...Oh, you didn't get the email? or I really meant to call, I could have sworn I did? Awful. But even worse - when they don't try to cover at all. It's just a - Hey, are you going to so-and-so tonight, Sure I'll be there, Yeah me too, Is this person and this person going, yeah everyone's going...while you are standing right there and No One Says Anything To You? That happened to me tonight. Hard to tell how much is truly a correct perception and how much is the above-mentioned pregnancy paranoia, but it felt real to me. God, I hate that I care about these things...I am 33 and I still get hurt by the same stupid crap that gutted me in high school. Sigh. Maybe that's the point...maybe high school isn't just a precursor to "real life" - maybe high school IS real life, and it just takes you a long, long time to realize it. Either way, kinda sucks. Kinda sucks that it happens, and kinda sucks that I care.
I think I need to hide out for awhile, not really see people, until I can get this new social dementia under control. B/c right now, I feel raw and vulnerable and just...lonely and misunderstood and friendless. Poor little me. God, I'm choking on my own self-pity - but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. Best to not inflict myself on anyone (except my poor husband and daughter!) til these feelings pass. Over and out.
I don't think anyone really reads these blogs - no one's posted a comment or anything, and when cornered, even Chris confessed he doesn't read it - so I'm just gonna ramble, hence the title, right? Lately I've been feeling so strange. I think the paranoia part of the pregnancy has set in. I cry at inappropriate times, am convinced that good friends don't like me anymore, that I'm always thisclose to losing my job, that Chris is tired of me, that everyone's avoiding me/staring at me/talking about me - take your pick. So weird, I hate this part of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Emma, I literally had what can only be termed a mini-breakdown at my cousin's wedding shower - people were shouting over each other playing a game, I became convinced they were all shouting at me, I totally lost it and we had to leave - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOWER WE'D DRIVEN TWO HOURS TO ARRIVE AT. I hope it doesn't get that bad this time. These are the side effects of pregnancy no one talks about. Of course, it could just happen to me. In fact, that seems entirely plausible.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you slowly realize that everyone knows about something you don't? Like, a party or social event? And you are stuck in the incredibly unenviable position of realizing it at the same time that everyone else realizes it too and tries to cover for it, which only makes it worse? Like...Oh, you didn't get the email? or I really meant to call, I could have sworn I did? Awful. But even worse - when they don't try to cover at all. It's just a - Hey, are you going to so-and-so tonight, Sure I'll be there, Yeah me too, Is this person and this person going, yeah everyone's going...while you are standing right there and No One Says Anything To You? That happened to me tonight. Hard to tell how much is truly a correct perception and how much is the above-mentioned pregnancy paranoia, but it felt real to me. God, I hate that I care about these things...I am 33 and I still get hurt by the same stupid crap that gutted me in high school. Sigh. Maybe that's the point...maybe high school isn't just a precursor to "real life" - maybe high school IS real life, and it just takes you a long, long time to realize it. Either way, kinda sucks. Kinda sucks that it happens, and kinda sucks that I care.
I think I need to hide out for awhile, not really see people, until I can get this new social dementia under control. B/c right now, I feel raw and vulnerable and just...lonely and misunderstood and friendless. Poor little me. God, I'm choking on my own self-pity - but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. Best to not inflict myself on anyone (except my poor husband and daughter!) til these feelings pass. Over and out.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
She Works Hard For The Money...
Today was one of those days that makes you feel simultaneously like a superhero and a card-carrying failure.
I got a radio gig, found out about it yesterday afternoon. Great news, national spot -but it recorded at 10:30am today. Less than 24 hours notice to find someone to take the kid. And let the antics begin. Of course, first stop is the hubby - but he has meetings all morning and won't be able to help. Several calls to several good friends with the greatest of intentions but no free time ensues. Much cursing about not having a nanny at my beck and call, more calling, swearing about not having any retired grandmothers in town, more calling, tears at the unfairness of it all, more calling. No luck.
Finally, the women in my playgroup come through, God bless them. They are happy to take Emma while I record, and then I'll meet up with them later. Our playgroup that morning is at Millennium Park, Emma can play and listen to a music concert, she'll never even know I'm gone. Stress remains though, b/c...they can only keep her until Noonish. What if my booking goes past that? Sure, I only have two lines, and everyone knows I'm brilliant and can hit it out of the ballpark on the first three wild reads, but still...I could be reading with other people, have a demanding producer, on-the-site rewrites, bad mics...anything could happen to delay, and officially, I'm theirs for the day. So. Back-up plan. Call the sister. Can she be a back up and go get Emma at Millennium Park on her lunch hour if I'm not back by Noon? Sure, she says. I don't think she's jumping up and down about it, but she doesn't hesitate to say yes either. Thank God for family. Everything's set.
Then, this morning. Emma wakes up and her fever is back, the one she's been fighting since Friday. She's in a horrible mood, and since I'm the only one there to punish for it, punish me she does. No Millennium Park - I can't let her around the other kids with a fever, I'd feel too guilty if they caught something. Plus she's lethargic, tired, cranky - all the things us adults are when WE don't feel well. So again, the scramble. And again, first I call the hubby. He listens supportively while at the same time reminding me that he's unavailable, and it's true - he isn't - and I know it's not his fault, but at the same time I realize that what he's REALLY saying to me, albeit in the nicest way possible, is "Good luck, hope you figure something out, but honestly...this isn't my problem."
And that's when it truly hits me - in situations such as these, Emma is MY responsibility. Not his, not ours - mine. It's a blameless situation - Chris can't help that he's stuck in meetings and his schedule can't be cleared - but at the same time, it chaps to know that, as the official "breadwinner" and full-time worker, his schedule takes precedence. Even though it's a national radio spot that should pay a lot, and it's legitimate work and no less important than his, the situation dictates that - hey, baby - I'M the one that signed up for the full-time Mommy gig, so I'm the one who needs to figure out what to do with the kid. And this is a road we have been down a LOT. I mean, my schedule would put a professional circus juggler to shame, while he gets to show up at 7, leave at 3:30, and poof - he's DONE. But when does my day end? Truly - does it ever?
And it dawns on me, right at that moment - how many other mothers out there deal with this? Deal with taking care of a kid or kids all day long, no help, while also juggling many other jobs (I have three that I can think of just off the top of my head) around an already-hectic toddler's schedule, so that the only way they are able to fit in auditions, gigs, shows, work, etc., which adds up to approximately 50-60 hours of work a week, ON TOP OF being a Mom, is to basically ask favors of everyone you know and try to act like you don't notice the eye-rolls and heavy sighs (although God love them, most respond with a hearty "Of course I can!" - gotta love good friends), learn to do 10 hours of work in 1 hour's time, and generally walk around sleep-deprived and one unkind word away from a nervous breakdown every minute of the day. I suspect there are many of us out there, and oh - if only we could join together! Power in numbers! Except each of us thinks we are alone! Well, psst...to anyone who's listening...you are NOT alone, I'm out here doing it too, and I know who you are and how you are feeling right now and this is my online blog hug to you b/c honey - I know exactly how much you need it.
So, in the end, my lovely sister came through and took an early lunch, I prayed and was rewarded with a quick, 20-minute recording session (I told you I was brilliant), my wonderful husband came home from work and whisked the sick kid away so I could get some "me" time (squeezed in between cleaning up from a dinner party last night, answering over 50 work emails, tending to a sick and VERY cranky kid all afternoon, trying to cross at least 5 things off my 78-item to-do list, and preparing for four hours of tech tonight at the theatre), and now - here I am. I'm feeling a bit calmer, like I can (and will) start it all tomorrow without first wondering if there's some clause somewhere that can still let me back out of this whole thing with no repercussions. But I can't help remembering that one moment today, rushing from one job to the next, worried about the sick kid and how she was getting along, when I almost ran over a bicyclist at Grand and Michigan and was then subjected to a 2-minute word-lashing that reduced me to tears (red lights are looongggg when you are being damned to hell), and I thought - this is it, over the deep end I go, ta ta, see you all on the other side of la-la land, I am done. But then I just took a deep breath, rolled down my window and screamed at the biker at the top of my lungs, "Would you just shut up and RIDE! I have things to do, I'm too BUSY for this, I AM A MOTHER for Christsakes! I wish I had the time to tool around on a BIKE all day!" And then I cruised away with the stunned bicyclist nothing but a dot in my rearview mirror.
Superhero and failure. Cuckoo and utterly sane. The life of a mother.
And tomorrow is another day.
I got a radio gig, found out about it yesterday afternoon. Great news, national spot -but it recorded at 10:30am today. Less than 24 hours notice to find someone to take the kid. And let the antics begin. Of course, first stop is the hubby - but he has meetings all morning and won't be able to help. Several calls to several good friends with the greatest of intentions but no free time ensues. Much cursing about not having a nanny at my beck and call, more calling, swearing about not having any retired grandmothers in town, more calling, tears at the unfairness of it all, more calling. No luck.
Finally, the women in my playgroup come through, God bless them. They are happy to take Emma while I record, and then I'll meet up with them later. Our playgroup that morning is at Millennium Park, Emma can play and listen to a music concert, she'll never even know I'm gone. Stress remains though, b/c...they can only keep her until Noonish. What if my booking goes past that? Sure, I only have two lines, and everyone knows I'm brilliant and can hit it out of the ballpark on the first three wild reads, but still...I could be reading with other people, have a demanding producer, on-the-site rewrites, bad mics...anything could happen to delay, and officially, I'm theirs for the day. So. Back-up plan. Call the sister. Can she be a back up and go get Emma at Millennium Park on her lunch hour if I'm not back by Noon? Sure, she says. I don't think she's jumping up and down about it, but she doesn't hesitate to say yes either. Thank God for family. Everything's set.
Then, this morning. Emma wakes up and her fever is back, the one she's been fighting since Friday. She's in a horrible mood, and since I'm the only one there to punish for it, punish me she does. No Millennium Park - I can't let her around the other kids with a fever, I'd feel too guilty if they caught something. Plus she's lethargic, tired, cranky - all the things us adults are when WE don't feel well. So again, the scramble. And again, first I call the hubby. He listens supportively while at the same time reminding me that he's unavailable, and it's true - he isn't - and I know it's not his fault, but at the same time I realize that what he's REALLY saying to me, albeit in the nicest way possible, is "Good luck, hope you figure something out, but honestly...this isn't my problem."
And that's when it truly hits me - in situations such as these, Emma is MY responsibility. Not his, not ours - mine. It's a blameless situation - Chris can't help that he's stuck in meetings and his schedule can't be cleared - but at the same time, it chaps to know that, as the official "breadwinner" and full-time worker, his schedule takes precedence. Even though it's a national radio spot that should pay a lot, and it's legitimate work and no less important than his, the situation dictates that - hey, baby - I'M the one that signed up for the full-time Mommy gig, so I'm the one who needs to figure out what to do with the kid. And this is a road we have been down a LOT. I mean, my schedule would put a professional circus juggler to shame, while he gets to show up at 7, leave at 3:30, and poof - he's DONE. But when does my day end? Truly - does it ever?
And it dawns on me, right at that moment - how many other mothers out there deal with this? Deal with taking care of a kid or kids all day long, no help, while also juggling many other jobs (I have three that I can think of just off the top of my head) around an already-hectic toddler's schedule, so that the only way they are able to fit in auditions, gigs, shows, work, etc., which adds up to approximately 50-60 hours of work a week, ON TOP OF being a Mom, is to basically ask favors of everyone you know and try to act like you don't notice the eye-rolls and heavy sighs (although God love them, most respond with a hearty "Of course I can!" - gotta love good friends), learn to do 10 hours of work in 1 hour's time, and generally walk around sleep-deprived and one unkind word away from a nervous breakdown every minute of the day. I suspect there are many of us out there, and oh - if only we could join together! Power in numbers! Except each of us thinks we are alone! Well, psst...to anyone who's listening...you are NOT alone, I'm out here doing it too, and I know who you are and how you are feeling right now and this is my online blog hug to you b/c honey - I know exactly how much you need it.
So, in the end, my lovely sister came through and took an early lunch, I prayed and was rewarded with a quick, 20-minute recording session (I told you I was brilliant), my wonderful husband came home from work and whisked the sick kid away so I could get some "me" time (squeezed in between cleaning up from a dinner party last night, answering over 50 work emails, tending to a sick and VERY cranky kid all afternoon, trying to cross at least 5 things off my 78-item to-do list, and preparing for four hours of tech tonight at the theatre), and now - here I am. I'm feeling a bit calmer, like I can (and will) start it all tomorrow without first wondering if there's some clause somewhere that can still let me back out of this whole thing with no repercussions. But I can't help remembering that one moment today, rushing from one job to the next, worried about the sick kid and how she was getting along, when I almost ran over a bicyclist at Grand and Michigan and was then subjected to a 2-minute word-lashing that reduced me to tears (red lights are looongggg when you are being damned to hell), and I thought - this is it, over the deep end I go, ta ta, see you all on the other side of la-la land, I am done. But then I just took a deep breath, rolled down my window and screamed at the biker at the top of my lungs, "Would you just shut up and RIDE! I have things to do, I'm too BUSY for this, I AM A MOTHER for Christsakes! I wish I had the time to tool around on a BIKE all day!" And then I cruised away with the stunned bicyclist nothing but a dot in my rearview mirror.
Superhero and failure. Cuckoo and utterly sane. The life of a mother.
And tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Another day at the beach
So, Em and I went to the beach today with our playgroup friends. It was a really nice day, and there were three adults and four kids - a good balance. I think everyone had fun. I know Emma sure did. We love going to the beach - and she takes the BEST naps afterwards, which is a definite bonus.
I've felt a little funny today, not sure why. Baby Mathews has been fluttering around all day. I am now five months along, and it feels strange to know now that we are more than halfway there. I feel so much calmer and zen about this pregnancy vs. Emma's. I wish I could go back in time and give the pregnant me from 3+ years ago a big hug and tell her everything would be okay, b/c boy, was that past version of me sure terrified. I didn't even let myself enjoy being pregnant b/c of all my anxiety, so I'm trying really hard to enjoy it this time around...because believe me folks, this one's the second and final. Our family will truly be complete.
I love hearing Emma say that she's wearing her "bathing soup" to the beach, and today she came right up and asked me if I'd ever touched a cloud. She comes up with the most interesting questions and observations every day, and she just gets smarter and smarter and smarter and smarter...I think I'm already feeling out of my depth. She will totally know more than me by kindergarten. Good thing I'm an actress, b/c that's when the REAL faking it will kick in.
As I'm writing all this great stuff about my family and being pregnant, my mind is on my sister Cara, who's in the hospital right now trying to survive the first of probably many, many weeks of violent morning sickness. Her little one is due in February, so she has quite a long way to go. Cara, hang in there. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, as you well know. Us Sellers girls don't seem to have much luck with the nausea-during-pregnancy bit - hopefully Jayme will be a pro when it comes around to her turn.
More later,
Jen
I've felt a little funny today, not sure why. Baby Mathews has been fluttering around all day. I am now five months along, and it feels strange to know now that we are more than halfway there. I feel so much calmer and zen about this pregnancy vs. Emma's. I wish I could go back in time and give the pregnant me from 3+ years ago a big hug and tell her everything would be okay, b/c boy, was that past version of me sure terrified. I didn't even let myself enjoy being pregnant b/c of all my anxiety, so I'm trying really hard to enjoy it this time around...because believe me folks, this one's the second and final. Our family will truly be complete.
I love hearing Emma say that she's wearing her "bathing soup" to the beach, and today she came right up and asked me if I'd ever touched a cloud. She comes up with the most interesting questions and observations every day, and she just gets smarter and smarter and smarter and smarter...I think I'm already feeling out of my depth. She will totally know more than me by kindergarten. Good thing I'm an actress, b/c that's when the REAL faking it will kick in.
As I'm writing all this great stuff about my family and being pregnant, my mind is on my sister Cara, who's in the hospital right now trying to survive the first of probably many, many weeks of violent morning sickness. Her little one is due in February, so she has quite a long way to go. Cara, hang in there. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, as you well know. Us Sellers girls don't seem to have much luck with the nausea-during-pregnancy bit - hopefully Jayme will be a pro when it comes around to her turn.
More later,
Jen
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
So, I've started a blog
Hi everyone. This is me, blogging. Quite new for me, and swore I'd never do it. But as Emma gets older and life blows by at warp speed and my addled, 33-year-old mind already begins to forget things, I figured a journal might be nice. But then I realized that I will never actually write in a journal, and perhaps something online instead? So I figured I could combine a record of my minimally exciting comings and goings with the always-lacking attempts at keeping family and friends abreast of the Mathews' newest and latest. And here you have it - for better or worse, Jen's Blog. I've no idea how often or not I'll update this, or whether or not anything I say will be of interest to anyone, but you are all invited to visit as often as you like - or not. I'll try to post pics when I can, especially of the little ones. Here's one now of Emma at the beach - a BIG part of our summer so far. Love living near a lake, can't beat it.
For now, I am signing off...to write again in a day, a week, or a month, we shall see. Love to you all.
Jen
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