Oh woe is me

Hi. It's midnight on a Saturday and I can't sleep. Just got back from ICT's latest production, which rocked. Jeff Recommended, hopefully reviews will be kind. Everyone, as usual, has worked so hard. And, as usual, I'm proud of the results.

I don't think anyone really reads these blogs - no one's posted a comment or anything, and when cornered, even Chris confessed he doesn't read it - so I'm just gonna ramble, hence the title, right? Lately I've been feeling so strange. I think the paranoia part of the pregnancy has set in. I cry at inappropriate times, am convinced that good friends don't like me anymore, that I'm always thisclose to losing my job, that Chris is tired of me, that everyone's avoiding me/staring at me/talking about me - take your pick. So weird, I hate this part of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Emma, I literally had what can only be termed a mini-breakdown at my cousin's wedding shower - people were shouting over each other playing a game, I became convinced they were all shouting at me, I totally lost it and we had to leave - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOWER WE'D DRIVEN TWO HOURS TO ARRIVE AT. I hope it doesn't get that bad this time. These are the side effects of pregnancy no one talks about. Of course, it could just happen to me. In fact, that seems entirely plausible.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you slowly realize that everyone knows about something you don't? Like, a party or social event? And you are stuck in the incredibly unenviable position of realizing it at the same time that everyone else realizes it too and tries to cover for it, which only makes it worse? Like...Oh, you didn't get the email? or I really meant to call, I could have sworn I did? Awful. But even worse - when they don't try to cover at all. It's just a - Hey, are you going to so-and-so tonight, Sure I'll be there, Yeah me too, Is this person and this person going, yeah everyone's going...while you are standing right there and No One Says Anything To You? That happened to me tonight. Hard to tell how much is truly a correct perception and how much is the above-mentioned pregnancy paranoia, but it felt real to me. God, I hate that I care about these things...I am 33 and I still get hurt by the same stupid crap that gutted me in high school. Sigh. Maybe that's the point...maybe high school isn't just a precursor to "real life" - maybe high school IS real life, and it just takes you a long, long time to realize it. Either way, kinda sucks. Kinda sucks that it happens, and kinda sucks that I care.

I think I need to hide out for awhile, not really see people, until I can get this new social dementia under control. B/c right now, I feel raw and vulnerable and just...lonely and misunderstood and friendless. Poor little me. God, I'm choking on my own self-pity - but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. Best to not inflict myself on anyone (except my poor husband and daughter!) til these feelings pass. Over and out.