Officially an Actor?

I had both a great and horrible day yesterday.

I booked another voiceover gig, this one a TV spot (and radio too) that will hopefully pay a little bit of dough. The bad part of the day was...yeah, you guessed it - arranging childcare. I had it all set, and then they changed the recording time on me 40 MINUTES before go, as I was literally parking outside their downtown studio, so then it started off a huge scramble of trying to find out who was going to watch Emma b/c the people that were watching her at that moment couldn't keep her all day. It was a real drag and I was very stressed, but what came out of it all was extreme gratefulness that I have such wonderful friends in my life. Jessica & Ben watched her from Noon - 2pm, and then Diane and Dave took over (and I mean literally TOOK OVER - going to pick her up from Jessica's and getting her all settled while I was going on and on about Eating Right Frozen Dinners in a studio on East Ohio) and kept her until after 4pm. Then she went to Gen & Craig's that evening from about 5:30 - 10pm so Chris and I could actually have a date and see a movie (imagine!), and Emma was a great, great girl through it all. I was experiencing some major Mommy guilt about shuttling her from one place to another so much in one day, but she just considered it a big adventure and had a blast. One thing 3 year olds are: ADAPTABLE. So to Jessica, Ben, Diane, Dave, Gen, Craig...and all the other friends & family that help me out - THANK YOU. It really does take a village to raise a child.

So I guess that my horrible news really had some good news rolled in...funny how sometimes typing things out makes you see the lesson of something more clearly. But the really great news is that I realized one of my personal dreams as an actor yesterday: I joined the Screen Actors Guild. I am now SAG and AFTRA affiliated, and very proud of it. I keep hitting little milestones here and there as an actor...good press, better jobs, my own theater company, critics picks, award nominations, and now double-union affiliation...yet, I wonder, WHEN will I feel like an "official" actor? I don't know. Sometimes I do. But yet...when people ask me what I do for a living, I usually say, "Oh, I'm a stay-at-home Mom, and I work part-time from home in PR and Marketing," and then I MIGHT throw in, "Oh, and I act." Like it's an afterthought, when in reality it is my lifeblood, my center, and it affects everything else that I DO do. Why do I do that? When will I feel confident filling in the Profession question on government forms with ACTOR? When I make more money? Become Equity? Do it exclusively? Make my first movie with Meryl? Win the Tony? What??? I don't know. I even do it with friends and family, play that aspect of myself down. When people ooh and ahh and ask questions, I'm always like "Oh, it's no big deal, it's not even how I make most of my living" - which makes it sound like a side project or something, and it SO is not. Weird. Maybe it's just in all of our natures to resist celebrating something that, in all honesty, we know we are DAMN good at? Like - oh no, don't talk about it, it's so tacky, act like it's no big deal? Or maybe I am just my father's daughter, and a history of phone calls telling him about a new part or accomplishment and having him ask, "How much are you getting paid?" and then hearing his interest wane in direct relation to how high or low the pay is have taken their toll, and now I just naturally think that way as well. Not that my Dad isn't supportive - he just doesn't get it, and really, it's kinda hard to get...how many people have found something they love so much in life that they are not only willing but COMPELLED to do it for all of their lives, despite ever making a living at it or the personal sacrifices it may entail? Dad's not the only one who doesn't get it - many don't. But I've found that if someone cares for you enough, they support you anyway. I certainly have that in my life, in abundance. So maybe the problem is that I don't care enough about myself to support myself - to stand up and say proudly I AM AN ACTOR and mean it and own it and be very, very, very proud of it.

I'm gonna work on that.

Oh woe is me

Hi. It's midnight on a Saturday and I can't sleep. Just got back from ICT's latest production, which rocked. Jeff Recommended, hopefully reviews will be kind. Everyone, as usual, has worked so hard. And, as usual, I'm proud of the results.

I don't think anyone really reads these blogs - no one's posted a comment or anything, and when cornered, even Chris confessed he doesn't read it - so I'm just gonna ramble, hence the title, right? Lately I've been feeling so strange. I think the paranoia part of the pregnancy has set in. I cry at inappropriate times, am convinced that good friends don't like me anymore, that I'm always thisclose to losing my job, that Chris is tired of me, that everyone's avoiding me/staring at me/talking about me - take your pick. So weird, I hate this part of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Emma, I literally had what can only be termed a mini-breakdown at my cousin's wedding shower - people were shouting over each other playing a game, I became convinced they were all shouting at me, I totally lost it and we had to leave - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOWER WE'D DRIVEN TWO HOURS TO ARRIVE AT. I hope it doesn't get that bad this time. These are the side effects of pregnancy no one talks about. Of course, it could just happen to me. In fact, that seems entirely plausible.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you slowly realize that everyone knows about something you don't? Like, a party or social event? And you are stuck in the incredibly unenviable position of realizing it at the same time that everyone else realizes it too and tries to cover for it, which only makes it worse? Like...Oh, you didn't get the email? or I really meant to call, I could have sworn I did? Awful. But even worse - when they don't try to cover at all. It's just a - Hey, are you going to so-and-so tonight, Sure I'll be there, Yeah me too, Is this person and this person going, yeah everyone's going...while you are standing right there and No One Says Anything To You? That happened to me tonight. Hard to tell how much is truly a correct perception and how much is the above-mentioned pregnancy paranoia, but it felt real to me. God, I hate that I care about these things...I am 33 and I still get hurt by the same stupid crap that gutted me in high school. Sigh. Maybe that's the point...maybe high school isn't just a precursor to "real life" - maybe high school IS real life, and it just takes you a long, long time to realize it. Either way, kinda sucks. Kinda sucks that it happens, and kinda sucks that I care.

I think I need to hide out for awhile, not really see people, until I can get this new social dementia under control. B/c right now, I feel raw and vulnerable and just...lonely and misunderstood and friendless. Poor little me. God, I'm choking on my own self-pity - but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. Best to not inflict myself on anyone (except my poor husband and daughter!) til these feelings pass. Over and out.