Mommy, you suck. Now go dye your hair blonde and get a tan, stat.

Yesterday, I was lounging on the couch while Sophie played happily beside me, spinning round and round in the office chair that seems to have taken up permanent residence in the middle of our living room. The sun was shining through our picture window, and the birds were chirping outside. It was a lovely, lazy Saturday afternoon, and I was reveling in the kind of relaxing moment I don't often allow myself, breathing in the sound of Sophie's giggles as my eyelids grew heavy.

Suddenly, apropos of nothing, Sophie stopped spinning and looked directly at me. Very thoughtfully and clearly, she said, "I don't want you to be my Mommy anymore. I want a new Mommy." 

"Why don't you want me to be your Mommy?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

"Well," Sophie replied, "I just don't like you very much. I wish your hair was blonde and your skin was brown. I want a different Mommy."

"Are you joking?" I asked. (Fact: four-year-olds can be hilarious, but most have good comic timing only by accident. I thought maybe this was an attempt on her part to be funny and her delivery just needed a lot of work.)

"No, I'm not joking!" she answered, clearly offended by the mere accusation. "I just don't want you anymore, that's all."

Judging from her demeanor and tone of voice, she did indeed seem to be serious. Her statements were made without a trace of lightness or silliness, as if she had given careful consideration to this issue and had simply come to the conclusion that I suck.

In retrospect, I can think of several calm, carefully measured responses that I could have employed, responses that would have surely resulted in the kind of heartfelt parent/child discussion that invariably ends with smiles, hugs, and running through the grass together in slow motion. And despite being completely stunned, I gave it the old college try at first.

"Sophie, why would you say something like that?" I asked as neutrally as I could. "Remember how Mommy told you that if we don't have something nice to say to someone, then it's better not to say anything at all? Telling someone you don't like them very much and want them to go away is not very nice. You really hurt my feelings."

And then, of course, because I am...well...me, I promptly burst into tears.

Intellectually, I realized that her words were coming from some previous point of reference I just didn't understand and that I shouldn't take them personally. But emotionally, I was pretty devastated.

When she saw that I was crying, she immediately gave me a hug and said that she was sorry. Then a few minutes later she announced gleefully, "Mommy, I DO want you to be my Mommy! I changed my mind!"

I have no idea what prompted the bizarre exchange. She didn't bring up the subject again, and I was hesitant to do so myself because a) I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and b) I didn't trust myself to talk about it without getting all weepy.

My daughters constantly amaze me with their random thoughts and observations, many of which have been recorded on this blog. Kids truly tell it like it is, and anyone who develops a relationship with a child learns quickly to set vanity aside. Both of my children have also said unkind things in anger, and while the comments can be upsetting, I understand the words are coming from a place of frustration and I try not to take the sentiments to heart.

But yesterday was different. Sophie wasn't merely offering up her unique and (mostly) innocuous perspective on life, and she wasn't lashing out. Her comments were presented as a simple statement of fact, and it felt personal. It felt real. Perhaps that's why I'm still brooding over it. I know Sophie loves me, but the thought that I've done anything to make her contemplate, even briefly, that she'd rather not have me as a mother is a horrifying thought. I wish I were thicker-skinned, but truthfully...it's gonna take me awhile to let go of this one.

Scattered Thoughts

These are my ramblings for today.

Life seems hard to to keep up with lately. Work is great, but busy and sometimes overwhelming. Life? Ditto. I made it through my step aerobic class today, and felt really proud of myself for slowly starting to get back into my workout plan. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Sigh. That was a very hard moment. Cue self-loathing. What I wouldn't do to exorcise the demon inside of me that insists in seeing only the flaws, only the fat, only the dark. I had great plans for a fun day with the girls, and Emma is now in her bedroom crying after having her DS and dessert taken away for the day for backtalking. Such is life around here sometimes many times. Sophie is playing a game beside me and periodically telling me she loves me. She is the chosen child for the moment, and she knows it, is reveling in it. The girls play the "flip-flop" game a lot, taking turns being the "naughty" one and the "favored" one in any given situation. I suppose I should be grateful that they rarely lose it at the same time, but the manipulation of the whole love-me-see-me-I-am-the-"good"-one is sometimes startling. I vacillate between wondering if I expect too much of my children and wondering if I do not expect enough. I worry that I am raising brats, which is an all-too-realistic fear since I can often be a brat myself. Monkey see, monkey do. What a balancing act between trying to accept your kids as they are and encourage self-expression while also raising polite, thoughtful, considerate human beings. I don't think I'm a bad parent, but I recognize that I am often an ineffective one. My husband and I are starting down the long, scary road of home ownership. We just started looking, so it's early days, early days. I have a tendency to fixate on something and want it NOW NOW NOW, so I'm trying my best to turn off that side of my brain. My new mantra is slow and steady, slow and steady, Slow And Steady. I have no idea where we will land, or when we will land, but it's exciting to think we will land somewhere sometime. Until recently, Chris and I didn't think we'd be able to ever buy a home for our family, so knowing that we have more options than we thought is a giddy relief. The trick is to be patient, wait for the right fit, and trust that whenever it happens is when it is supposed to happen and we will end up exactly where we were meant to be all along. I am better at that in theory than I am in practice, unfortunately. I feel somewhat lonely lately. I have many acquaintances and a handful of friends, but very few people to whom I feel comfortable revealing myself. I imagine this to be a relatively common thing - or at least, that's what I tell myself. Who knows the truth of the matter, because no one really tells the truth anymore...at least not the truth of how they are truly feeling. Why is that, I wonder? I find bluntness and forthrightness in others so incredibly refreshing. Alas. As for me...I think, right now, in this moment, my true feelings are hard to isolate and identify. I feel a little lost, a little sad, a little optimistic, a little loved, a little spoiled, a little scared, a little grateful, a little ungrateful. A lot self-involved. :)

I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, that ain't too bad.