Ho Ho Ho...Merry Christmas!

Currents: Sophie

Current Books: Pinkalicious, Purplicious and Dora Christmas Carol. She adores being read to and often enlists her sister for this service if Mommy and Daddy are busy. She is starting to memorize books she has heard repeatedly and then "reads" them back to herself, which is super cute.

Current Music: She adores Laurie Berkner, and her greatest hits CD is probably Sophie's favorite. But lately we've been listening a lot to a Christmas mix I made, and her favorites are Glee's version of "Jingle Bells," "Jingle Bell Rock" by Rascall Flatts, and "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas." Another favorite CD is the soundtrack from "Jack's Big Music Show." For contemporary music, her two favorites remain Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" and Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop The Music."

Current TV/Film: She's all over the map with movies. She just told me her current favorites are "Cinderella, Snow White and Elmo." She also loves Strawberry Shortcake anything, Toy Story 3, and (still, but not as obsessively as she used to) Thumbelina. Right now the girls are watching "Frosty The Snowman" on TV, which is a holiday favorite along with The Grinch. Sophie's favorite TV shows are "Wow Wow Wubbsy" and "Max and Ruby," but she also really likes "Kai Lan," "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse," and "Powerpuff Girls" like Emma.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: As disgusting as it is to say, she really loves picking her nose. And, sometimes, even eating the boogers, which I've caught her doing gleefully more than once. She also likes to lick things like windows and walls. Her favorite window to lick is the one at the gym that encloses the pool. She'll put her face right up against the glass, wave to all the swimmers, and lick away. I cannot express how much this grosses me out. I'd rather watch her eat boogers, frankly. Another guilty pleasure is drooling. She sleeps in the same corner of her crib every night, face down with her butt in the air, and in the morning I find her laying in a pool of her own drool. She sometimes puts her hands underneath her mouth and then wakes up with red, cracked, bleeding hands. I have no idea why she does this. I've asked her several times, and the only answer I get is, "Because I want to."

Current Color: She doesn't have a particular color she likes over others, at least not an obvious one. Although whenever she plays "Guess Who?" with Emma and has to ask which color Em's character is, she always starts with blue. Clothes-wise, I think she looks really good in dark purples and browns.

Current Links: She still asks for "monster funny" once in awhile, which was what she dubbed the Muppets' "Bohemian Rhapsody" video on You Tube. But other than that, she is really never on the computer.

Current Fetish: Hmmm, this is a tough one. She's 3, so she's very particular about things, which can often come off as fixations. ("Fixation" is a synonym for "fetish" according to my Microsoft Word thesaurus - aren't I resourceful?) She won't go on the potty unless she is stripped completely naked from the waist down; she has to be the one to hit the start button on a movie or she won't watch it; she insists on reading every page of a book, including title/dedication/copywright pages; she is incapable of being away from the house more than five minutes without a snack; etc. As for an object of obsession? Well, she adores her favorite snuggle, Little Bat. (See pic.) And she's definitely crazy about orange juice and cheese - she can't get through the day without either. But in the last couple of days, her favorite thing in the world is the dollar bill she got at the grocery store the other day.

 

Current Outfit: Brown footed pajamas with red, pink and white polka dots.

Current Fragrance: Honestly? Sophie pretty much always smells vaguely of pee. Even right after the bath, when I've lathered her with lotion, I swear I still catch a lingering whiff of it. But if anyone can pull off the whole urine-odor-thing, I suppose it is Sophie.

Current Drink: Half water, half orange juice. Water on bottom, juice on top. Shake and serve. Do not EVER vary from this concoction or severe tantrums will ensue. If no orange juice is around, she will sometimes drink apple juice or fruit punch. Occasionally she will deign to drink water, but only if it is from Mommy's water bottle. Milk is 100% off limits and will never pass her precious lips.

Current Wish List: Sophie doesn't really wish for things. She wishes for events: to go to Indiana, to go to Florida, to go to St. Louis - basically, to see a grandparent stat; to have someone read a book to her; to have Mommy or Daddy "come sit in the living woom wif me"; for Emma to come home from school and be with her; for Sophie to be able to go to school and be with Emma; to go see Daddy at his work; to go where Mommy talks in the microphone so she can see Debby and Beckham and get a treat; to go see friends at the gym; to go swimming in the pool. (This last one she asks for every day, and every day I explain that the pool is not open in the winter and we'll go when it is warm again but it will not be warm again for many many many days. And she nods her head and says okay and then asks me the exact same question the very next morning.)

Current Triumph: Putting on her mittens and boots by herself; brushing her own teeth (and by "brushing" I mean sucking off all the remaining toothpaste from the brush after Mommy or Daddy has gotten every tooth clean); being big enough to grab onto the handle above the window in the back seat of the car; learning all the words to "Jingle Bells"; counting to 20 (although always forgetting the number 16); washing her own face in the bath; writing her own name with my hand guiding hers. 

Current Bane Of Her Existence: Naps. Love/hate relationship, definitely. Sometimes she comes to me before 10am and says she is tired and ready to go to bed. Other times, she screams in her crib for two hours and refuses to go to sleep. She also hates darkness when she sleeps. She insists we keep her bedroom door "big open" at naps and bedtime, and if for some reason we ease it partway closed during the night, she wakes in the morning hysterical about how the mean monsters and dinosaurs are trying to eat her. 

Current Celebrity Crush: Strawberry Shortcake. Snow White. Powerpuff Girls. Laurie Berkner. The usual.

Current Indulgence: Other than orange juice and cheese? "Cheese from the deli," a regular grocery store request. Chili cheese fritos or barbeque potato chips. Tangerine or blue raspberry dum-dum pops. York peppermint patties. Plain m&ms. Strawberries. (I include this because it's the only fruit she regularly asks for, but they are out of season and so expensive that I can't justify buying them right now. So, for this time of year, an indulgence.)

Current Excitement: Well, Christmas...of course. This is the first year she really gets it, so she's asking a lot of questions about Santa and presents and all that stuff. She's also very excited to go to Florida over the holidays. She is looking forward to seeing Grandma and Grandpa Kitty, but the two things she can't stop talking about are the airplane ride and going swimming. Every time we see a plane flying in the sky she points and asks, "Mommy, is that the airplane that takens us to Florida?" 

Current Mood: Happy. It's Saturday morning, her beloved big sister is home and playing games with her, and life is good. Sophie is a pretty happy kid. She definitely has a temper, and she has her share of bad days, but for the most part Sophie is full of joy...and it's infectious.

Currents: Emma

Okay, I'm totally stealing this whole idea from my friend Genevieve. (Thanks, Gen.) So, here is Emma at six and a half years old. Sophie will follow soon.
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Current Books: At the moment, she is reading Junie B. Jones, Boss of Lunch. She loves the Secrets of Droon series and recently finished all the Judy Moody books. She is deep into chapter books and reads way beyond the level typical for her age.

Current Music: Tis the season, and she's really digging Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." She still loves that dumbass "Tik Tok" song by Ke$ha. (And no, that's not a typo - the girl actually spells her professional name with a dollar sign, which is just another in a long list of reasons why I can't stand her.) She also loves Taylor Swift's "You Belong To Me" and "Love Story." And Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance." And Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream."

Current TV/Film: She just saw The Wizard of Oz and it was love at first sight. She also digs the Barbie movies and recently discovered Home Alone. For TV, it's all "Powerpuff Girls" all the time around here.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Pushing her sister's buttons. She loves to make faces at Sophie or whisper things to her when she thinks I'm not paying attention. She does not do this to entertain her sister (I wish!); she does it to get a rise out of her. When Sophie then starts screaming at the top of her lungs and we ask Emma what happened, the answer is always, "I don't know." Or sometimes she shouts "I didn't do anything!" before we've even asked what's wrong, which is always a dead giveaway that she's guilty as sin.

Current Color: Always always always always...pink.

Current Links: She likes to go on Nick Jr.'s website and use their drawing pad. At school she visits sites like Study Island during computer class. That's about it. Oh - I also show her some of the songs from "Glee" online. Of course, "Teenage Dream" was her favorite.

Current Fetish: Her diary and her notebook. She has to have something with her to write or draw in wherever she goes. She carries her notebook in her backpack...she used to carry her diary too, but it was stolen at school and complete devastation ensued, so she doesn't take it there anymore. She typically uses her notebook for songs and pictures, and she records her dreams in her diary. I am so happy that expressing herself artistically has already become such a vital part of her life.

Current Outfit: Today she wore a patterned sweater dress with red tights and her beloved black ankle boots. 

Current Fragrance: Hmmm...this is tough. Emma always smells like Emma to me, a fragrance impossible to describe yet so unique that I would recognize it blindfolded. I will say that she has some nasty sleep breath first thing in the morning, which just started happening in the last year. Gone are the days of sweet baby/toddler breath all the time. I think it's because she sleeps with her mouth wide open, just like her Daddy. She chews watermelon Trident on the bus every morning b/c she's such a bear to wake up before school that I can't get her to brush her teeth.

Current Drink: Orange juice or chocolate milk. Sometimes green tea or apple juice. Once in awhile Gatorade or this special passion fruit blend she loves. She covets Sunkist, but I will only let her have it on New Year's Eve. (The rest of the year we have a strict No Soda policy.)

Current Wish List: Sunkist, to rule the world, to stay the night at her friend Olivia P.'s house "all the time every day!", no more homework, to sleep in on school days, to have parents who don't tell her what to do, to get Tivo season passes to "Hannah Montana" and "iCarly" (I flatly refuse), to live in Indiana.

Current Triumph: She recently lost her first tooth, and although I'm not sure this technically counts as a triumph, she sure treated it as one. She was prouder than I've ever seen her. She also got all As on her first quarter report card and received a blue Honor Roll ribbon. She was narrator in her class play Spiderella, and she just mastered how to fast forward through commercials on the TV. Gosh, what else? I feel like she experiences little triumphs every day. Her ballet teacher told me she's a natural and should be taking classes at the Joffrey (which I will sign her up for immediately after winning the lottery); she was one of only 16 kids in her entire school of 1500 students to be selected by a casting director to audition for a national Lunchables billboard campaign (she didn't end up booking the job, but she had a ball at the photo shoot); and she now knows how to do double digit subtraction and is tackling basic algebra in math.

Current Bane Of Her Existence: When Sophie or I ask, "Did you have a fun day at school?" Apparently this makes Emma so mad that she wants to hit us, as she so bluntly explained to me in the car yesterday. She also hates wearing pants.

Current Celebrity Crush: Hmmm...she doesn't really know of many celebrities. She's still grappling with the knowledge that actors on TV are real people with real lives separate from the characters they are playing. Same with music - she doesn't connect the voice singing to an actual person; to her, it's just a voice. I showed her a picture of Taylor Swift on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and she was horrified that that was the person responsible for some of her favorite songs. I believe she said that Taylor looked like a magician. (In Emma's defense, Ms. Swift was dressed up in a tuxedo.) I guess her biggest "crushes" right now are probably Santa and the Tooth Fairy. She also loves Jack Black. He guest starred on episodes of "Yo Gabba Gabba" and "iCarly" and Emma declared him goofy "in the best way."

Current Indulgence: She has a wicked sweet tooth and will go after almost anything sugary. Some of her favorites are Fun Dip, Oreos and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Current Excitement: She is very excited to go to Florida next week. She also gets excited when she creates what she declares to be the "perfect" picture; when I let her watch "iCarly"; when we go get donuts for breakfast; when Daddy lets her play his Nintendo DS; when she gets to stay up past her bedtime; when Aunt Jayme babysits; going to the movies or a play; and when Mommy doesn't have to go to rehearsal and can put her to bed.

Current Mood: Grumpy. Em yelled at me three times during the walk back from the bus stop. Right now she is in her room writing "I will not scream at my mother" 25 times. We'll see if it works.

Sophie saves the day

At the post office today, Sophie and I patiently stood behind a long line of people waiting to mail holiday packages. As a diversion, I told Sophie to listen for the bell the employees ring every time they finish helping a customer. I explained that every "ding!" meant we were one step nearer to being next. She eagerly awaited each ring and would scream after every one, "YAY! We're getting closer!" We'd been waiting about ten minutes when a woman waltzed into the room, bypassed the line entirely and stepped up to a suddenly open window. Her timing was impeccable; it was as if she'd materialized out of thin air at the precise moment a spot opened. The clerk didn't even have a chance to ring the bell. The woman plopped her boxes down and imparted mailing instructions to the befuddled postal worker as if she were queen of the world. I was struck dumb at her audacity. Apparently others were too, because we all just sorta stood there, speechless. No one confronted the woman, but soon a handful of people became increasingly vocal in their dismay. I seriously thought a fight was gonna break out. Amazingly, the woman didn't even acknowledge the uproar she was causing. It's possible she was oblivious to all the complaining going on directly behind her, but I doubt it. I just don't think she cared. Either way, I know she heard my little one. Just as everyone's anger seemed to be reaching the boiling point, Sophie pointed directly at the lady and shouted, "Hey! It's not your turn! Da bell didn't ding!" The line cutter didn't say a thing, but her face turned red enough to tip me off that she had caught every word of Sophie's spot-on tattling. The rest of the people sure did, because every person in line started cracking up. Sophie had no clue what was going on, but she knew she'd done something funny. So, of course, she started milking it, dancing in a circle and singing her own weird version of (as she calls it) "Jingle Bell All The Way." Everyone (except the evil line cutter, of course) loved it. We were all laughing so hard that no one seemed to notice when the woman finally left. We reached the front, did our thing, and waved goodbye at the people behind us who were still giggling. For the first time in my life, I left the post office in a great mood.

After the post office, we went to the grocery store. Sophie was be-bopping happily alongside me as I searched for the perfect gift card for Emma's teacher. An older woman caught sight of Sophie and started oohing and aahing over her. She was in love with Sophie, I swear. She reached into her purse and asked if she could give Sophie a surprise. I figured she was gonna whip out some kind of little treat, so I said sure. Our brand new friend proceeded to give Sophie a crisp dollar bill. I protested, but the woman just shushed me and said that seeing Sophie's face had brought joy to her morning. She explained that she had no kids or grandkids of her own, and she wanted to give Sophie something special. Sophie grinned ear to ear at her present and exclaimed, "Thank you! This is the bestest dollar I never seen!"

Walking back to the car, I marveled at the magic of Sophie. She has a way about her, and I'm not just saying that because she's my kid. She touched a lot of people today. Thinking about that kind woman in the store with no family of her own, I felt so incredibly grateful. One moment with my daughter is enough to put a smile on a stranger's face, and I get to enjoy the gift of Sophie every day.

Ballet Snowgirl

Attention: the following blog post is for family only. All other readers will probably be bored. Consider yourself warned.

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Here's an example of what my fabulous kid does at school. She's not the best speller, but I dig how her mind works.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Tonight is the first rehearsal for my new show. It is the first play I've done with a theater company other than Infamous in over four years. With the exception of one distant acquaintance, I know nobody in the cast or crew. As always when starting a new job, I'm a little anxious. But I'm excited too. I put on my new red sweater, some earrings, a little makeup. Of course, as any good loved ones would, my dear family sensed my nervousness and immediately attempted to bolster my confidence and set my mind at ease.

Me: "Hey girls? I am going to wear my locket with your pictures in it, so you will be with me tonight."
Em: "How can we be with you if we are here at home? We aren't going to your workshop..."
Me: "Workshop? What am I, Santa Clause?"
Chris: "Well, you are big and red, so..."

Oh, yeah. He said that. I am 99% positive that's what came out of his mouth. However, Chris claims that what he REALLY said was, "Well, you are baking bread, so..." Seriously? That's the best he can do? Since when does Santa bake bread?

Now I am asking, in complete and utter sincerity - can one person out there claim to believe him? Because honestly, I need a very compelling argument right now AGAINST doing physical harm to my spouse, a.k.a. Mrs. Clause.

Winter Fun

Winter? We heart you. Or, more accurately, my girls heart you. They have been lovin' the cold lately. We went to the mall to have their pictures taken, and all they wanted to do was run around outside and see whose face could get the most red. (Sophie won, by a mile.) Then we got hit with our first big snow of the season, and they partook of much snow-related fun with their Daddy and Paw Paw.

This morning, we noticed someone had tipped over our bizarre looking beautiful snowman during the night. He looks pretty pathetic lying face-first in the snow. Yet even this failed to deflate the girls' winter high. Emma shrugged it off, pretending that the snowman was "snow swimming." Sophie just rolled her eyes and declared, "I bet a boy did it."

 

Heck no, this tooth won't go!

Emma finally lost her first tooth. I seriously thought we were gonna have to break out the ole door-and-string trick. The tooth had been loose for weeks and ended up twisted and sticking straight out of her mouth, parallel to her tongue. The permanent tooth had started coming in behind the baby tooth, yet the original mouth dweller was all "You will not evict me!" and refused to go. (Hmmm...Emma with stubborn teeth? Go figure.) The troublemaker finally fell out with a little help from our secret, tooth-evacuating weapon...cheddar cheese Ritz Bits. (We tried apple after apple, but leave it to the processed food to come to the rescue every time. Just one more reason to distrust healthy foods.) Between our first Tooth Fairy visit and Sophie's birthday, we had an exciting morning last Wednesday. Emma's response to all the hubbub? "When all my teeth fall out, will I be old enough to drive?"

There's a three-year-old in da house!

Three years ago, our family eagerly awaited a very precious gift.

 

Two days later, we got it.

Today, the gift just keeps on giving...and growing! Just like our love for her.

 

Happy birthday, sweet Sophie.

Sophie-isms and Moments From The Week

Lately, Sophie's developed a habit of closing every door in the apartment behind her "so that any bugs don't get in." Then she slowly re-opens it, looks at the floor, and screams, "The bugs are coming! The bugs are coming! RUUUUUUNNNNNN!"

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After helping Sophie pat herself dry in the bathroom, she told me her "bagino" was all clean. 

"Um...I think you mean 'vagina,' sweetheart," I corrected gently. 

"NO!" Sophie screamed in my face. "It is MY bagino, and I can call it whatever I want!" 

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Sophie woke up talking about birds in her hands and explained that a nice fox slept in bed with her and we must save him from the mean witch. We grabbed the (pretend) birds, the (pretend) fox, detangling spray, toothpaste, Kandoo, Dora doll, Charleete, the TV remote, a button that fell off our couch pillow, and a Polly Pocket, and we hid from the witch under the dining room table. Sophie kept looking at me in panic, putting her finger over her mouth and whispering, "Ssshh." Suddenly, she scooted from under the table and told me it was safe to come out.

"Guess what, Ma-ma! The mean witch went to jail and she get in love with the police-es man and now she is our friend!"

Did I mention this all occurred before 7am?

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After raising her voice to me, I informed Sophie that I didn't like to be spoken to that way. 

"But it's not fair!" she cried. 

"What's not fair? Do you even know what that means?" I asked. 

"Yes. It means Emma will hit me."

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Sophie told me that her Barbie went poop and she needed a wipe to clean her up. Reluctantly, I gave her one. After a few minutes, I discovered her cleansing Barbie's nether regions and making a diaper for her out of Kleenex.

"Mommy, I need another wipe! Barbie's got diaper-rhea!"

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"Mommy? My eye hurts."

"I'm sorry, honey. Why does it hurt?"

"Because I poked it with my finger."

"Well...maybe if you stop poking yourself in the eye, then your eye won't hurt anymore."

"Hey, that's a good idea. Thank you, Mama!"

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Soph asked me very politely if she could please watch the mean green man. I had no clue what she was talking about. After 20 minutes of grueling tears, tantrums, pleading, etc., we finally figured out that she wanted the Grinch. Two minutes later, she's walking in circles and happily shouting "Hi, Grunch! Hi!" at the TV. Meanwhile, I'm still huddled in a ball on the floor, completely spent from all the turmoil caused by one little weird-named Dr. Seuss dude. 

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While waiting in line to pay for our groceries, Sophie started dancing her heart out in the middle of the store. She was laughing and shouting, "I really love to dance dance dance dance..." at the top of her lungs. A woman running (yes, full-on running, for whatever reason) down the aisle sorta tripped over Sophie. She turned to me and instructed me through gritted teeth to "please control my child." For the first time ever in my life, I had the perfect reply: "Actually? I'm gonna join her." And I did. In my purple sweatpants and crazy bedhead, I stepped out of line and started jumping up and down with Sophie. The look on the woman's face was priceless. She was not pleased...in fact, she swore at me as she stormed away. I just smiled, waved, and shouted, "You have a great day, too!" I started giggling, which started Sophie giggling. I'm sure we looked like total fools, but dancing with my daughter - and for one sweet moment, not giving a rip what anyone thought of either of us - was soooooo AWESOME. Who knew being called a crazy bitch could make a person's day?

Mermaids, Witches, Tigers, Dragons...and some Apples

Here are some titles of recurring pretend games the girls have created: Mojo Jojo, Don't You Don't, The Mermaid and the Witch, The Lion vs. The Tornado, Tigers, and Princess Warriors. They all seem to involve some variation of Emma being a mean villain and Sophie trying to get away from her. (Sense a pattern, anyone?) These games have a tendency to get violent. Quickly. So much so, in fact, that we've had to create an actual safe word. Sophie has been instructed to shout "Apple!" whenever she wants the game to stop. Like, for example, if Emma is dangling Soph upside down or sitting on her head or wrestling her into a half-nelson and Sophie's subsequent sobs of terror are not enough to signal to Emma that, yes, she is actually harming her sister and needs to cease and desist immediately, then the safe word is employed. Sophie often needs reminded of the new safety procedure, so whenever I hear her screeches of protest I start screaming, "Use the safe word, Sophie! Use the safe word!" (This always leaves me feeling rather dirty, like I'm preparing my children for a different use of "safe word" later in life...but then I throw up a little in my mouth, empty my brain, and refuse to follow this line of thinking any further.) I'd say since the institution of Operation: Apple, Sophie has uttered the safe word approximately 25 times. Emma? Yeah...not once.

The other day I caught the kids on video while in the midst of negotiating the never-ending terms of one of their games. (This was pre-safe word; hence, the video's ending.) It is so fascinating to me, watching their dynamic. Emma can be domineering, no doubt - but she also has moments of really trying to be patient, which just makes me wanna eat her up with a spoon. And I especially love hearing Sophie speak up for herself, even with her limited vocabulary. Yes, she allows herself to be manipulated by Emma, but only to a degree. Much like Chris and me, actually. It's Emma's world; we just live in it. For now, anyway. I suspect our youngest is gonna eventually challenge Queen Em for the throne. And when that day comes, I just hope I'm able to take cover before the explosion hits.

Red is definitely your color

Sophie colored this picture over the weekend.

I know, I know. You're thinking I've finally lost my mind and officially crossed over to the parental dark side, aren't you? Hell, maybe you even think I've been a happy resident of said dark side for years. Either way, you know the place I'm talking about...that softly lit, fuzzy-bordered alternate reality all parents succumb to the minute they start buying into the delusion that every single thing their precious, unique, singular child does is off-the-charts amazing and must be shared with the rest of the world. (i.e., "Billy blew a raspberry that sounded just like 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.' Call the papers!" "Lily made a smiley face on the bathroom wall using her own poo - she's so brilliant!" "Ben can count all the way to ten while scratching his butt...his own butt, people! Do you not SEE the genius inside this kid?????!")

Maybe I am one of these parents, and maybe I am not. I go back and forth on it myself. Regardless, it struck me as pretty cool that my almost-three-year-old singled out all the people in the picture and then colored them kinda-sorta within the lines. Usually her artwork consists of wild scribbles and the occasional lopsided circle, so this is definitely progress.

Oh dear god. It just hit me. I am actually blogging - proudly - about how well my toddler uses crayons. Jesus. Okay, I concede. I AM one of those parents. I guess there's nothing left to do now but embrace it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go corner some random schmuck and gush at length about Sophie's mad nose picking skills. 

The Tracks of my Tears...whoa-oh-oh-OH

Behold...Emma's latest self-portrait.

I asked why she was crying in the picture. She said she was a beautiful princess walking home from the ball and a terrible monster came out of nowhere and yelled at her and knocked her down and made her knee bleed and it hurt so bad but she had to be brave and run run run as fast as she could or the mean monster would get her and gobble her up.

"Wait a minute," I said. "Are you talking about the time we were walking home from summer camp and you stuck your tongue out at me when you thought I wasn't looking and wrenched your body away when I grabbed for your arm and you fell and skinned your knee and sobbed and screamed that it was all my fault and I was so mean and then you made me carry you the rest of the way?" 

"Yep," Em said.

Reflections on a week of Bleggh

This has been a rather disappointing week. I've been sick, so that sucks. I've not accomplished practically anything I set out to do, so that sucks. I've felt (and am still feeling) sluggish and unmotivated and generally sorta crappy, so that...well, you get the point.

Due to all of the above...and because sometimes I am just plain lazy ("Sometimes?" I can hear my husband saying in my head), I haven't been recording the wonderful and inexplicable doings of my two smallest roommates as much as I usually do. I guess in the future if they ask about this particular week of their lives, I'll just tell them they slept a lot. (Yeah. I wish.)

Here are the snippets my befuddled mind managed to retain from the week:

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Trying to help Emma wash her face in the bath, I get some (tear-free) soap in her eye.
"STOP IT! You are giving me a disease!" she shrieks.
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Sophie and Emma are fighting about...something.
Sophie: "No, I not!"
Emma: "Yes, you are!"
Rinse. Repeat.
Finally, Emma enunciates in a low, deliberate growl: "Y. E. S. Space. Y. O. U. Space. A. R. E."
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Mid-tantrum, Sophie throws a spoon across the room. It crashes against the wall before clanging loudly to the floor. Complete silence ensues. I stare at Sophie. Sophie stares at me. We wait each other out, engaged in the mother of all staring contests.
In my most serious voice, I finally ask, "Now, what do you say?"
She narrows her eyes, points to the spoon, and says, "Get it."
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I ask Emma if she is excited to start ballet lessons.
"I guess. I mean, I already KNOW how to be a ballerina. But I guess I can help the other kids."
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While waiting to pay for our groceries, Sophie suddenly declares, "Mommy, you a witch."
The store clerk and I share a god-she-is-so-damn-CUTE smile.
"Oooh, that sounds fun," I play along. "I can cackle and do magic and say 'Abra-cadabra.' But why is Mommy a witch?"
"Because. Your hair is really crazy," Sophie answers. "And also, you mean."

Halloween...the gift that keeps on giving

Oh...you want more Halloween goodness, you say? Yesterday's post wasn't enough to satisfy you? Okay, here you go. A brief video montage of our Halloween weekend in good ole Indiana.

A Berry, Berry Happy Halloween To Ya!

Happy Halloween from Strawberry Shortcake and Snow White.

Mommy...you are not an alien after all!

Emma has been on a big picture kick lately. Here's a really detailed drawing she gave me this weekend. I must say, this one definitely makes up for the alien version of me she rendered a few weeks back, even though it looks like I now walk with a limp.

Aladdin Made Me Lose My Mind

Apparently, Chris now likes to spend his spare time recording secret videos of the women in his household. This weekend, he managed to nab some footage of us being silly while I was completely unaware. (Believe me...if I had known, I would have twirl-kicked that camera right out of his hand.) I wasn't very happy when I found out what he'd done (understatement of the YEAR), but I have to admit - it is nice to have tangible evidence for Emma and Sophie that at least once during their childhood, Mama played with them. Plus, I discovered the viewer can block me out of the video entirely with one very precisely placed hand. (This can be challenging, considering I am dancing around like a drunk ballerina through the whole clip. But if you have exceptional hand-eye coordination, I maintain that the hand block process works quite well.) However, if you must indulge a glance or two at the tall chick hopping about in her pajamas, make sure you enjoy yourself. Because you are witnessing a very rare Jen-on-video occurrence, and now that my vigilance level has been upgraded from yellow to red (I'm watching you, Chris), it will likely never happen again.

Wisdom Just Drips From My Mouth

A few of my favorite sayings/exchanges from the weekend...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emma: "Mommy's good at tickling, Daddy's good at drawing, and I'm the best bubble letterer."
Chris: "Sophie, what are you good at?"
Sophie: "Birds."
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Em: "Violet sits at my table. She took the other kid's spot who transformed to another school."
Me: "You mean transferred."
Em: "Nooooo, I mean transformed."
Me: "'Transformed' means to turn into something new."
Em: "Right. That's what I'm saying! She turned into a kid that goes to a different school."
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Em: "Daddy, you are the weirdest kid in this family."
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Chris: "Em, I'm not going to wrestle with you anymore if you don't stop tooting."
Emma: "It's not my fault! I can't hold in my toots like my pee and poop. It makes no sense!"
[Loud toot, followed by mad giggling.]
Emma: "Oops Daddy. Sorry. I farted in your face again."
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Soph: "Tickle my pieces. TICKLE MY PIECES!"
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Soph: [Screaming-Tantrum-Screaming-Tantrum-Screaming-Tantrum]
Em: "Sophie, pipe down. It's not like somebody is stabbing you or something."
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Me: "Isn't it a beautiful fall day?"
Em: "Yes. I hope I don't die today. I love life."
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Me: "I guess it's warmer out than I thought."
Em: "I told you. I knew what the weather was outside because I can see the future."
Me: "Really? You can see the future, huh?"
Em: "Ugh. I knew you were going to say that."
Me: "Ha ha, very funny."
Em: "What the heck are you talking about?"
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Em: "You are more wrong than the trees in India!"
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Em: "If I had $100, I would buy all the Fun Dip packages in all the world."
Soph: "If I had $5, you know what I like? Candy. With mermaid tails on it."

Emma Hearts Mom...Sometimes

Emma made a picture for me. She spent several hours on it, toiling away at the gym nursery and then continuing at home. She said it was "the harderest" drawing she has ever done. When she finished, she made me close my eyes before whipping the picture from behind her back and exclaiming, "Happy Birthday!" I reminded her that my birthday is still two months away. "I didn't want to forget," she explained.

I love that she created something so beautiful and specific just for me. I actually got a lump in my throat when I saw it. I plan to hang it in my room so I can gaze intently at the picture whenever she's in a time out and shouting that I am a stupid mother.

I Pee, Therefore I Am

Dare I say it? Okay, I'm just gonna take a deep breath and spit it out. Sophie is now...kinda/sorta/maybe potty trained.

HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY!

Check it out:

She's already filled half of her second chart, too. Since last weekend, when she suddenly decided out of nowhere that she is a potty prodigy, Sophie hasn't looked back. She wears panties everywhere, and not one accident. Not ONE! She is a peeing master. However...#2? Well, the jury is still out on that one. So far, she has either timed it to go during naptime when she is in a pull up, or she just hasn't gone at all. In fact, we are currently on Day 6 of Sophie Poop Watch. (Why do my children have such screwed up bowels? They are both smart, healthy, happy, beautiful little girls who happened to draw the super short stick in the defecation department.) Except for the dark shadow of Constipation currently hovering over our house, I can't believe how smooth this transition has been...that is, once Sophie finally made up her mind to do it. After the horror of the last few months, the biggest bump in the road this week was when I proudly presented her with a brand new baby doll as one of her special treats and she dropped to her knees and sobbed that she wanted an Oreo instead.

Now, if everyone out there can just do a little poop dance and send it Sophie's way, all will be well.

Does This Orange Make My Butt Look Big?

Hey...dig the blog facelift? It happened accidentally on purpose, which is pretty much the story of my life. So if you don't like it, keep it to yourself please. I have no clue how to change it back.

Out of the mouths of babes...

• Me: "Girls, quit playing the dead game." Em: "We aren't dead. We are just hurt really bad and our eyes won't open because we fell from a roller coaster 130 feet tall and broked our bodies. But we aren't dead."

• Soph: "Mommy, look at the birds in the sky. They are playing Follow The Leader!"

• Em: "Now that my teeth are falling out, I'm practically a teenager."

• Soph: "Mama, you are my friend, and Millie is my friend, and Emma is my friend, and Callie is my friend." Me: "What about Daddy?" Soph: "Daddy is my father." Me: "Well...fathers can be friends, too." Soph: "No. That's gross!"

• Em: "Grandma, did you know that if you take off your underwear anywhere in the wide world, your vagina will explode?"

• Me: "Sophie, are you a big girl? Do you pee and poop in the potty?" Soph: "Yes, I do! Whenever I feel like it."

• Em: "Mommy, what am I whistling?" [Cue crazy-screechy-whistle sound.] Me: "I don't know." Em: "Mom. Pay attention." [Cue crazy-screechy-whistle sound.] Me: "I have no idea." Em: "Ugh! Mama. Just listen." [Cue crazy-screechy-whistle sound.] Me: "I don't know, Emma. Goodness. Just tell me what it is already." Em: "WHOO-HOO! I am whistling WHOO-HOO!" Me: "Wow. You didn't have to scream it in my face." Em: "Yes, I did. Clearly."

• Soph: "Mama, can you hold my tiara? I hafta pee."

• Em: "我饿了, 我要牛肉. That means 'I am hungry and I want beef' in Chinese."

• Soph: "Look at my belly, Mama. It is so big! Touch it."  

• Em: "Sophie isn't ready to go to school yet." Me: "Why?" Em [in a whisper, with hand cupping her mouth]: "Because she'll be loud and crazy on the bus and she won't know where to sit or how to put on her seat belt and she'll do somersaults on the ground when the bus is moving and cry that she misses you and fart in her pants and it will embarrass me."

• Soph & Em: "We looooooove dressing up like princesses!"

Potty Training: Progress Report 4

My daughter confounds me.

Since my last progress report, we've taken a total break from potty training. Sophie is back in pull ups, and she hasn't gone near the toilet in weeks. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she announces Thursday afternoon that she feels like she has to go. We go in and sit...AND SHE PEES IN THE TOILET. I'm not talking a few dribbles here either, but an actual stream of urine, people. Not only that, but she does so with the ease of a seasoned pro. She sits there, peeing away, with a huge smile on her face and knowing gleam in her eyes that says, "No big deal. I was ALWAYS capable of this, you idiots."

I thought it was a fluke. Then yesterday, she does it two more times. She even pees for SPECTATORS, inviting my friend Genevieve to come in and watch her do her stuff. She's actually showing off how good she is at this!What the what? I don't get it, but I'm not gonna question it. I'm only praying that it lasts. No pressure. She is still in pull ups. We aren't asking her if she has to go or forcing her to sit on the toilet in timed intervals or any of that junk. This time, everything is super casual. Sophie is clearly running the show here, which apparently was what she wanted all along. I am just following her lead. Who knows if this streak will continue, but right now a very proud and happy toddler resides in our house. (Oh - and one confused but VERY relieved mother.)

My kids

Let's face it: my kids are rather odd.

Exhibit A:
Sophie started the day happy as a clam - chatting away, giggling, being silly. Suddenly, she stopped mid-conversation and declared, "I'm having a bad day." It was 6:45am. Then she threw herself face down on the floor and lay prone like this:

Why, you ask? I have no idea. That's just how my kid rolls. 

Exhibit B:

About 30 seconds after the face-down-on-floor-bad-day incident, Sophie stood up and announced she wanted to talk with the camera. Here is our conversation - nothing earth shattering, just typical Sophie cuteness:

Exhibit C:
Later, Emma and Sophie had themselves a little clown party in the living room. My favorite part of the video is when Sophie inexplicably stops to hold her butt...and then starts dancing again. Do you see what I am dealing with, people?!?

These are three relatively mild examples of what passes for normal around here. I accept that my attempts at control are merely an illusion. I'm just the mommy pinball, bouncing from one weird thing to the next, trying to keep up.

MY Jersey is better than YOUR Jersey

My friend Gen writes a wonderful blog. Seriously, you should check it out. In fact, she recently dedicated an entire post to yours truly because she loves me THAT much. (And...well, okay...maybe because I also semi-browbeat her into it. But anyway, click here if you want to find out exactly how adept I am at wasting time with friends on email.) In Gen's latest blog post, she has thrown down an internet drag queen challenge. Now, anyone who knows me should be well aware that I take challenges very, very seriously. Particularly challenges in which someone is claiming they can look more awful than me. So, of course, I accepted her dare. Here is my drag queen entry, and for the record, I think it is HAWT:

Oh, yeah. Snooki, watch out. If you think you can do better, click here and go to town. But be warned: I. WILL. WIN.

Autumn: A Photo Essay

Sunday was family day in the Mathews household, and we decided to autumn it up at the Nature Center's Harvest Festival. Except for the fact that it was 80 degrees outside, it was a perfect fall day. (Sidebar: GLOBAL WARMING IS NOT A MYTH.) First, we stopped at the pond to visit the geese.

Can you believe places like this exist in the city? And only a couple miles from our place too. Beautiful.

Don't you love their little matching potbellies?

Next, we wandered through various booths before hitting the scarecrow-making area.

Sophie got into the whole scarecrow thing right away.

Emma wasn't lovin' the hay at first.

But soon, she jumped right in. Yay! Hay pile!

And eventually, with a lot of help from Daddy...ta da! Our very odd-looking scarecrow.

Finally, we headed back home for some old-fashioned pumpkin carving. Chris was so excited to share this project with the girls. He had his professional carving instruments at the ready and found the perfect jack-o-lantern face on the internet. But our little princesses didn't react exactly as he had hoped.

At first, they were intrigued...

...but after a close-up view of pumpkin guts, they were done.

Poor Chris. His dreams of Daddy-daughters pumpkin bonding evaporated into thin air. He persevered and finished the project alone while the girls cowered on the couch and watched him warily. And the final product? Pretty freakin' cool.

Seriously...shouldn't Chris be a professional? I wish our camera could have caught how cool it looks with the flashing bulb inside, but sadly, technology failed me. Or else I just don't know how to work my camera. Nah...I blame technology.

Later that evening, I almost tripped over this adorable sight.

Sophie's baby Jill and Emma's Baby Doll, snuggling side by side.

I don't know which girl took such loving care of their babies, but it could have been either one. They both dote on them. Somehow I've ended up raising major girly-girls...leery of dirty, slimy things like hay and gourd guts, but apparently awesome mommies-in-the-making. Not sure how this happened, but I do know one thing - my women studies professor from college would be so appalled.

Sophie on a Thursday

• Finds a tampon in my gym bag and claims it as her own, calling it her vampire. (A simple mispronunciation, or is she unconsciously confusing one bloodsucker with another? Hoo-AH!) "It so pretty! It has stripes!" (The packaging has stripes. I knew what you were thinking. Sickos.) Periodically (Ba-DUM-bum) hides the tampon behind her back and announces, "I got a surprise for you, Mama!" Whips her hands in front of her with a flourish. "Ta-DA! A vampire for you to love!"
  
• When I tell her I Tivo'd "Backyardigans" for her, she throws her arms in the air and yelps, "Yay! I so proud of you, Mama!"
• Asks to go to the pool. I explain the pool is closed until next summer. Scrunches her face up and glares at me. "I ask Grandma to take me! Grandma LOVES me!"
• Story game...Me: "And then the bear did a happy dance and...what happened next?" Sophie: "And then the bees flied all around his nose and the bear died. The bees died him. The end." Second attempt...Me: "So the bear tiptoed into the house to take a nap and...what happened next?" Sophie: "And the bees grabbed the bear's arm and that not nice! And the bear died. The end." Third attempt...Me: "The beautiful butterfly flew high above the clouds with the fairies and...what happened next?" Sophie: "The bear died like this [lies flat on back on floor] and he died [pointing] here and here and here and here and here and allllllllllllll over the floor and the bees said 'Yay!' The end."
• Gets frustrated helping with laundry because I give her too many clothes to carry at a time. "Mama, you are getting me nuts," she mutters.
• Sophie: "Mama, I went poop." Me: "Uggh. Okay. Just...next time, will you please tell me before you go poop so we can sit on the potty? Please please please with sugar on top?" Sophie: "Sugar on top...of my bottom?"
  
• Declares me a better singer than Tasha the hippopotamus on "Backyardigans." I open my mouth to thank her when she adds, "And you look like her, Ma-ma! Mama, you a pretty hippo!"
• Refuses to put on shirt because the tag itches. Insists on wearing bathing suit under it before leaving the house. "You are just doing this because Emma does," I accuse. "Yep," she confirms.
• Sophie: "Mama, I peed on the floor." Me: "Uggh. Sophie! You're killing me!" Sophie: "I no killing you, Mama. Don't say that! That not nice." Bursts into tears.
  
• Lights up when I explain that our street is filled with forklifts dumping huge pounds of dirt into holes because they are planting trees and flowers. "That's a GREAT idea!" she says. Shouts out the window at the construction workers, "Good job, con-cussins! Good job, dirt! The flowers will look so bee-autiful!"
  
• Grabs my arm at 10:05am and says, "I ready for night-night." We read a book, sing a song, turn out the lights. I put her in the crib and am just closing the door when she shouts, "I all done!" I turn and ask, "Seriously? You're kidding me, right?" Oblivious to my sarcasm, she grins and gushes, "I no kidding, Ma-ma. Mama, I had a good nap."
  
• Screams following phrases from bedroom to avoid napping (successfully, I grudgingly add): "I just need to whisper you somefing, Mama." "Ma-ma, I want another story!" "Maaaaa-ma...what happen next, Ma-ma?! What. happen. NEXT?" "Mommy! It 9 of the clock, time to wake up now!" "Mommy, my butt hurts. You need to kiss it, Mama!"
  
• Keeps asking if we can go to the cube-li-esque store. All day long: "Mama, when we going to the cube-li-esque store?" Finally dawns on me about 4 o'clock that she means the UPS store.

Dude. Your head is HUGE.

Emma has recently started carrying a notebook and pen everywhere she goes. She draws and writes in it. She is prone to whipping the notebook out at any given moment and mumbling things like "that's a good idea for a song" or "oooh...I want to draw that." It's all very artsy and deep...and, of course, very cute.

Yesterday, she drew the members of our family.
Doesn't everyone look lovely? Sure, our toothpick legs seem ready to buckle under the strain of carrying around heads large enough to be spotted from outer space, but we are still a good-looking bunch. Emma did explain that she gave Sophie and me long hair because she doesn't know how to do short hair. Although...that sure looks like short hair I see in Chris's picture. But hey - who am I to question an artist's process? At least we look happy, with beautific smiles pasted on all our faces. Oh yeah. Excuse me. What I meant was...on all our faces except MINE. Yep, my pic looks like I just sat on an upended nail and can't decide if I liked it or not. Emma told me she drew my "surprised face" because that's how I always look. What the what? Seriously? I always look like I'm high? I always look like I'm hypnotized? I always look like I can't take my eyes off the crossbeams emanating from the mother ship?

Weird, to think this is how she sees me. I was actually fired from a job once because they said I didn't smile enough. Guess I need to get happier, stat. Or at least my face does.

The Storm of Sophie

Sophie has been out-of-sorts lately. And by out-of-sorts, I mean she has been a complete maniac. Neither of my children are sedate individuals. Both are prone to extreme tantrums, but Sophie's are usually manageable. However, she's been feeling icky and sleeping poorly the last few days, and the cumulative result is an easily triggered, deeply disconsolate Sophie Patrice.

This morning, Sophie was one long storm of rage. She kicked, wailed, threw things, screamed, clawed her face, pulled clumps of hair out, spit, snarled, roared. At one point, she actually flipped over the kids' table in our living room like a toddler version of The Incredible Hulk. I haven't seen her like that in a long, long time. Tantrums trigger many feelings in me - annoyance, anger, frustration, loneliness, betrayal, sadness, humor. (Especially humor. I mean, sometimes life is so ludicrous, what else can you do but laugh?) But ones like today are truly heartbreaking. It literally makes my chest ache to see her so upset and know there is absolutely nothing I can do to make her feel better. She does not want to be touched or cuddled or soothed in any way. She just wants to get her anger OUT. So I sit and wait, and sit and wait, and sit and wait...and eventually, she comes out the other side and collapses into my arms, finally ready to be consoled.

It took us about an hour to get on Sophie's socks and shoes this morning. ONE. HOUR. (Maybe others would have given up, but faced with the choice of going to the gym and letting others deal with her or giving up and being stuck with her all by myself, I opted for perseverance.) I decided to videotape her towards the tail end of the tantrum. Why, you ask? Because it occurred to me that I am always recording cute, memorable moments of the kids that often showcase their best sides. Yet this side of Sophie is as real as any other, and an essential part of what makes her...well, HER. And when I look back on the girls' younger years, I want to remember them as accurately as I can. Besides, this isn't even remotely the worst of it - the presence of the camera seems to distract her, and by the end of the clip she gives in and seeks physical contact (hence the dramatic flinging of herself into my lap), which usually signifies a turning point in the onslaught. Still, it is a glimpse.

A few minutes ago, Sophie woke up smiling after a long nap and declared, "Mommy! I don't feel gross anymore!" I am crossing my fingers that she is right. Either way, I'm here and waiting with hugs at the ready whenever she needs them. It's all I know to do.

Emma: A Self-Portrait

The worksheet below came home in Em's school folder today. God, I adore this kid.

Potty Training: Progress Report 3

Sophie has managed to acquire eight stickers on her potty chart this week. She even earned her first special treat - a Snow White Polly Pocket Play Set. Yay!
However, in the interest of full disclosure, I feel compelled to add that at least three of those stickers were gained by less than a handful of pitiful little urine drops that just happened to fall into the toilet. And yes, while there have been celebratory moments this week, Sophie has also peed on the floor of just about every room in our apartment, as well as all over Aunt Jayme's shoes, our couch, the living room rug, and an innocent baby doll's head. In addition, there have been countless instances of poop-in-the-panties, and a few hours ago I stepped on a huge wet steaming glob of Sophie poo on the bathroom floor...IN MY BARE FEET.

At this point, I would say failures are outweighing successes, but I vow to stay strong. Um...well, later. Yeah. That's right. LATER, I will stay strong. Right now, I just have to say: I. HATE. POTTY. TRAINING. It SUCKS, it is DISGUSTING, and I don't understand why there aren't any professionals out there that I can hire to do it FOR me. I mean, I'm talking about a niche market in a crappy economy that is just WAITING to be exploited, so why isn't anyone out there DOING it?! Doesn't anyone get how many desperate parents there are in this world who would meet any price? Plus, we are all stupid enough to KEEP REPRODUCING, which means a neverending stream of customers! Hello...is anyone LISTENING? There are people out there willing to wade through garbage and plunge toilets for a living. There is even an outfit in this city that you can pay to get rid of your kid's head lice! Yet no one will take on my two-year-old? I would give ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY. I would rob a bank, I don't CARE, just somebody else do it for me please please please please please, for the love of god PLEASE!

O-kay. Deeeeeeeeep breath. In, and out. IN. And. OUT. Good. All right. Glad I got that off my chest. I actually feel a little bit - TINY bit - better.

In times like these, I find it prudent to remind myself of the many things I do adore about my child...my lovely, adorable, obstinate, willful, nonstop-peeing-and-pooping child. Hence, this video:

Potty Training: Progress Report 2

Call the media, people. Sophie took her first dump on the potty today!

WARNING: If you are uncomfortable with poop talk, then this is the wrong blog for you, my friend. Take your delicate constitution and leave immediately, never to return.

Potty Training: A Progress Report

Apparently, the toilet is continuing to do REALLY well at potty training. Look at all the stickers it has acquired! (Yes, I know...I was quite surprised at it's progress too.)

Exhibit A:

And Sophie? Um...well, let's just say she has a ways to go.

Exhibit B:

TGIF

Ah, Friday. Professional development for the teachers, so no school. A full day of just me and the girls.

We started off the day at the gym, of course. (I will go hungry before voluntarily consuming almost anything healthy, yet I am religious about my workouts. Go figure, huh?) The weather was nasty this morning - dark clouds, gusty winds, sporadic rain. Emma feared a tornado was on the way. I assured her it was highly unlikely, but she wanted to know exactly what would happen if one was spotted. After walking her through the safety procedures for a tornado, we entered the gym. Like always, the front desk employee greeted us with a smile and a friendly hello. Emma immediately demanded, "Do you have a basement in here? Because a tornado is coming." After multiple reassurances that we were not, in fact, psychic meteorologists and the building did not need to be put on tornado alert, I dropped the kids at the nursery and hit my spin class. The next hour passed by in a sweaty haze of me failing to get my RPMs up to 128 (128! What do I look like, The Terminator?) while the girls built playdoh castles. No sirens, no tornadoes, all safe.

Then we were off to feed our friends' cat Marge. Hmmm. Cats. Cats, cats, cats. [Sigh.] I don't know...I just don't get them. It literally took me 20 minutes to get inside the apartment because the lock loves messing with me, and poor Marge was meowing behind the door like a madman the entire time. Yet the minute we stepped inside, Marge played all cool and wanted nothing to do with us. Sophie just wanted to pet and kiss and snuggle and squeeze and LOVE that cat, and you'd think after being alone for five days that the cat would want at least a tiny bit of affection...but, you'd think wrong. Marge just stared at me, stoically enduring Sophie's ministrations, willing me with his eyes to FEED HIM. NOW. (Btw, I'm not confusing my pronouns. Marge is indeed a boy.) As soon as I put food on the plate, we were all promptly dismissed. I tried to brush his fur, but he gave me such a scathing "Are you kidding me?" look that I immediately stopped. Sophie was determined to get that cat to love her, but after a couple of unmistakable "back OFF" feline hisses, I pried Sophie away. We hung out a few minutes to see if Marge might feel more social after eating, but with a flick of his tail he jumped on the couch and proceeded to bare his teeth whenever we approached. So, as Sophie wailed "Why da kitty not like me Mama? WHYYYYYYYY?", we skedaddled out the back door.

Next we hit the grocery to stock up on a few provisions. We only needed three things, so I decided to skip the cart and let the girls walk with me. BIG mistake. "Dancing Queen" was playing over the loudspeaker, and the girls took the song to heart, boogieing up and down the aisles. They were clearly having fun, which was fun to for me to watch. But the people they kept running into didn't seem to be having quite as much fun as we were. One lady curled up her lip and practically hissed at me, "Please control your children." She reminded me quite a lot of Marge, actually. We only had one item at that point, but I figured that was our cue to leave.

Once home, we had lunch and watched Cinderella. The girls only engaged in six fights, with less than half ending in tears. Honestly? That's a successful couple of hours in our house. The girls love the part of the movie when the fairy godmother sings "Bibbity Bobbity Boo." They danced all over the living room. Also, Sophie is obsessed with the stepsisters' mean cat. Even though the cat is clearly evil, every time he appears on the screen she coos, "Aw, he cute. Cute kitty!" As the end credits rolled, the girls erupted in applause. (Princesses are VERY big around here.)

Next: Naptime. Emma crashed with me, Sophie in her room. I had a hard time getting Sophie to settle down because she kept asking me when we were going back to visit the cat. (If you are into drinking games, I suggest you take a shot every time the word "cat" appears in this blog post. And then don't drive. Because you are now very drunk.) Emma rarely naps anymore, but sometimes she likes to snuggle and sleep with Chris or me. She wrapped her hands around my arm and drooled on my shoulder, just like she used to do as a baby. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

We didn't wake up until almost 4 o'clock. Oh, Glorious Nap, how I worship you! Both girls were clingy and disoriented from so much sleep, so the three of us burrowed into the couch together and watched Powerpuff Girls until Daddy came home.

We didn't go to the zoo or the museum or the nature center - all ideas I had tossed around as a means of filling the day. I got exactly nothing accomplished around the house and my to-do list remains untouched. But after lunch, Emma climbed onto my lap and said, "Mama, I love spending time with you at home. I miss you when I'm at school." That, to me, is a successful day. Just a regular, run-of-the-mill Friday with my beauties.

Danger = Reward

Remember that whole stuck-in-the-elevator post from a few days ago? Well, I got the part. It's a super tiny role, but the play is being performed at Steppenwolf (not BY Steppenwolf, just AT Steppenwolf, but still...I'll take it). Oh, and also - it has robots in it. Yes, I said ROBOTS. Personally, I think that's just too cool to pass up.

Hopefully getting stuck in that elevator helped recharge my karma, because frankly it needed a bit of readjusting. Still...I don't think I'm going to the Hancock Building again any time soon.

Ignore Meen Peeps

One of Emma's current vocabulary words is IGNORE, and her teacher sent home some work that Em did in school yesterday. (Click on the pic to see it more clearly.)
When I read the worksheet all the way through, I laughed out loud. I think my favorite part is the teacher's "Unique!" sticker. Then I asked Emma as casually as possible, "Hey, honey? Are you having any problems with Ani at school?" She shrugged and answered, "No. I just ignore her."

I think Emma has the definition of this particular vocabulary word down.

Sophie on a Monday

• Feeling lazy, I ask Sophie if she minds skipping the gym today. Her eyes light up. "We skipping to the gym today, Mama? Yes!" And off she goes.
• Finds Emma's gum on the dining room table and carries pieces around like babies all day, counting them ("Mama! I got 5 gum babies now!") and putting them down for naps. At one point I overhear her say, "You good babies. When I bigger, I EAT you!"
• Watches a "Zaboomafoo" episode about pets, and every time a kitten comes on the screen she screams, "Hi, Oz! Mama, it Oz! Why he not say hi to me?" [Sidebar: Oz is Aunt Jayme's cat.]
• Points to the words HAPPY MEAL written on the box of her, um...happy meal. "Look what it says, Mommy! D. I. E. S. Dat spells Sophie!" [Sidebar: Yeah, my almost-three-year-old doesn't know her letters yet. Hey, we can't all be prodigies.]
• Casually mentions she put a sticker on the potty while whipping past me with her stroller. Curious, I go in the bathroom to check it out. Indeed, she is telling the truth (see pic). When I ask why, she says, "Potty is a big girl now!" [Sidebar: Yeah, my almost-three-year-old isn't potty trained yet. Hey, we can't all be prodigies.]

• Brings me a tangled cluster of wooden chairs and Barbie dolls and asks, "Mommy, can you help me carry these? They are not coperlating wif me."
• Clenches her fists and shouts, "Emma! Stop! You make-a me MAAAAAAAD! Like thunder!"
• Randomly announces, "Mommy? You are my Mommy. And Daddy...Daddy is my friend."
• Asks for more cheese. "Just a minute," I reply. "I. Want. More. CHEESE!" Sophie screams. "Sophie! I said just a minute please," I say. "No!" Sophie declares. "You did NOT say please. And now you make me YELL AT YOU!"
• Insists on giving kisses on various body parts instead of the traditional lip location. Kissed Emma goodnight on her hip; my goodnight kiss landed somewhere near my collarbone. Before her nap today, she asked if she could kiss my butt. [Sidebar: Regular readers, you know what kind of mom I am. Do you think I conceded to her request? I'll let you decide.]
  

Auditioning IS dangerous!

Had an audition on the 22nd floor of the Hancock Building today and got stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes afterward.

I remained pretty calm in the beginning. In fact, swear to God, after it sunk in that I was indeed stuck, I thought, "I wonder if Keanu Reeves is gonna come save me?" (He is so HOT! But I digress.) I took a deep breath, focused, and tried to think through exactly how I could alert someone to my situation. I lit up the buttons for every floor, pounded on the door, pushed the alarm bell about 10,000 times, yelled "Can anybody hear me?" until I was hoarse. When all these attempts failed, I sent Chris a bizarre text instructing him to call The Cheesecake Factory (of COURSE this was the first nearby business that popped into my mind) and inform them that his freaked out wife was being held captive by malfunctioning elevator parts. As my calmness began to evaporate, I even jumped up and down a couple of times before deciding that probably wasn't such a good idea. But I didn't truly start to panic until I pressed a big, silver button labeled PUSH TO TALK that sat on top of what looked to be some kind of speaker. I expected to hear a live person who would listen to my predicament and then talk me down while assuring me that help was on the way. Instead, I was greeted by loud static and a robotic voice repeating "Emergency in elevator B" over and over and over and over again. It. Would. Not. Stop. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I kept shrieking, "Hello? Is anybody there?" into the speaker, hoping against hope that someone with an actual pulse would come on the line so I could tell them to kick the robot guy's ASS.

Finally, after 15 minutes and zero progress as far as I could tell, I gave serious consideration to the only option I had not tried: the red emergency button. It had a little fire hat icon and was labeled "Fire emergency only. Delivered to lobby." I hesitated so long before pressing it because a) it seemed like a last-resort button, and I kept having visions of the entire Chicago Fire Department being summoned to 875 N. Michigan Ave. and then calling the police to arrest me for claiming a false emergency; and b) I had no idea how high up I was stuck, and the words "delivered to lobby" terrified me. What did that mean, anyway? Was the elevator suddenly going to plummet several floors at the speed of light? And if so, could my heart and bladder take that?

Despite my reservations, by this point I was getting desperate. So I took a deep breath, braced myself, and pushed the button. Annnnnddd...nothing. Not a thing. Absolutely. Nothing. HAPPENED. I started beating the hell out of the button, thinking maybe it was just stuck. Once reality set in, I sat on the floor and had myself a good cry.

Just about then, of course, the elevator started to move. It came to a stop approximately 6 seconds later, the doors opened easily, and ta da! I was in the lobby, safe and sound. And who, you might ask, was there to greet me? The fire department? Nope. Police? Nope. Building staff? Nope. Concerned citizen? Nope. ANYONE? No. No one waiting, no one around, not a soul. I even headed toward the security desk to let them know what had happened, but no one was there either. I suspect they were all huddled in a little room somewhere, taking turns talking into a microphone like a robot and laughing their heads off. Shaken and weepy, I noticed the door for The Cheesecake Factory was directly on my left. One slice of Oreo cheesecake later, I was feeling a bit better.

Still. Not one of my better afternoons. All I know is this: I totally better get a callback.

The sweetness of Sophie

I feel so blessed to have a daughter that always reminds me to stop and smell the flowers.

Literally. Every time we walk out of our building, Sophie halts before our landlord's gorgeous potted violets and says, "Mama! We hafta stop and smell da flowers!" Every. Time. The habit usually annoys me in the moment, particularly if we are in a hurry. Yet I often reflect on the ritual later, wishing ruefully that I could do a better job of following my daughter's lead.

We just finished the second week of first grade, and we are still a little off kilter from the change in pace. Emma is exhausted and moodier than usual. So, like, INSANITY moody instead of her normal ridiculous moody. (To the point that I seriously wondered whether or not a six-year-old could have PMS. Children's Midol, anyone?) Em's homework load is even more intense this year. She has two math worksheets every day, 15 spelling words a week, required reading every night, and 3-5 extra worksheets to do over the weekend. It is a LOT of work, and it will only get harder as the year progresses. I am thankful in many ways that Em is part of the accelerated program at her school, but admittedly there are times I wish she could just be "normal" smart so she wouldn't have to deal with all this extra pressure. I've said from the very beginning that if the gifted program feels like too much, we are pulling her out. So, we'll see how it goes. She is sleeping over at her friend Olivia's this evening. When I left, they were playing piano and wrestling and watching Snow White and definitely NOT giving addition or subtraction or spelling a single thought. Good for them.

I am having my own adjustment issues. I seem to have settled into a case of the early autumn blues. I remember this happening last year around the same time. This too shall pass, but lately I just feel a little melancholy. I miss Emma, and I miss summer, and mostly I just really hate watching my baby grow up so very, very fast.

Sophie misses Emma too. She often roams through the apartment mumbling to herself, "Where my Emma? I need my Emma." However, she also enjoys not having to share the limelight. Tonight, with Emma at her friend's house, Sophie got a special treat. She and I get lots of one-on-one time during the week, but she rarely gets Mommy AND Daddy all to herself. We decided to go out to dinner just the three of us, and Sophie reveled in the extra attention. We sang songs and played games and drew pictures and stuffed our faces and had so much fun.

After dinner, Chris ran to the grocery store while I put Sophie to bed. We went through our usual routine - a book, and then a lullaby. Before I sing her a song, we turn off all the lights and settle into the chair together. I rock us softly back and forth, and she burrows her body into mine, hugging my neck tightly and resting her head on my shoulder. It is one of my very favorite times of the day. Tonight I sang "Edelweiss," one of her favorites. After I finished she said, "Mama, you such a good singer! I love you." Then she kissed me on the neck and whispered, "Mommy, tomorrow we smell da flowers, okay?"

Okay, my sweet.