Lockdown

My friend Gen and I went shopping this morning, leaving Chris with the girls and Gen's son Sam. Taking on a preschooler, a toddler and an infant all alone is no small task, but my husband seemed up for the challenge. Gen and I had a good time, and Chris assured me when I called to check in that things were going well.

But of course, the Fates couldn't possibly let Chris escape that easily. They decided to have a little fun with him before we got home. When Gen and I walked in the door, we found a confused Sophie, a freaked out Sam, and one crazed-looking husband flinging himself repeatedly against the bathroom door. And where was Emma, you might ask? Oh yeah, you guessed it...she locked herself inside the bathroom.

Apparently she'd been in there for half an hour before we arrived, and Chris had tried talking her through unlocking the door again - to no avail. She was either too scared to do it, or the lock was stuck. Either way, it wasn't happening. Since this was the first I'd realized we even had a lock on our bathroom door, it was a double surprise to learn that we didn't just have a lock - it seemed our door was sealed up tighter than a vault's. Chris tried everything he could think of to open the darn thing. He took the doorknob off. He rammed the door with his shoulder. He used a hammer. A wedge. A crowbar. A bunch of other tools whose names I do not know. He banged, pushed, kicked, shook that door with all he had - he even tried pleading with the door (if you consider F-bombs the height of persuasive language). Nada.

In the meantime, I held Sophie and tried to stay out of the way while Gen and Sam ate lunch and looked desperately helpless. Which is how all of us felt, especially Chris. I tell ya, there is nothing worse than hearing your child cry in fear and BEING UNABLE TO GET TO THEM. Yes, I wanted to throttle her for locking herself in there in the first place. And I also wanted to scoop her up and hold her until her tears subsided and she felt safe again. But at the moment, as there was a door between us that Fort Knox would be proud to own, I could do neither. And it was excruciating.

Finally, after much crying (Emma) and grunting (Chris), the lock broke and Emma was free. Although Gen and Sam had crept out the door by this point (they said they had a swimming lesson, but I suspect they were going straight home to make sure there was no lock on their bathroom door), I was so grateful for the distraction of their presence because it had kept my worry at bay. Only after the incident was over did I allow myself to think about how much worse it could have been. Chris removed the lock from the door permanently, Emma seemed to forget the entire event within five minutes, and we continued to go about our day. Crisis averted. Well, not averted, I guess...um, maybe squashed. Crisis squashed? Or crisis solved? Anyway, crisis DONE and now we are on the other side, ready to face the next one - which I've no doubt will reveal itself soon. It wouldn't feel normal around here otherwise.

Slay the Dragon

I had a root canal today. Now, keep in mind that I have a debilitating fear of dentists. (All those years of cavities and braces, I am sure.) In fact, before my latest visit, I hadn't even been to the dentist in at least 10 years. I am not exactly proud of this, but nevertheless. The only thing that finally drove me there after all this time was extreme pain. I kept putting it off and putting it off, until denial was simply no longer an option. So, with great dread, I finally broke down and faced the music.

Fast forward five dentist visits and one crown later, and here I am, waiting in a specialist's office to get the mother of all dental procedures. (And might I digress, just for a moment, that if someone ever tells you they must have a root canal, please do NOT reply with, "Oh yeah, I had one of those and it was awful." I cannot tell you how many times in the last week I have been the recipient of just such a response. That's like telling a pregnant mother that childbirth is akin to red-hot flames devouring your body from the inside out for several hours. Yes, it's true - but really, do you have to SAY it???)

Anyway, back to me, preparing to have my roots ripped out of my mouth. The dentist came in to discuss the procedure, and I am embarrassed to admit that I started crying in the dentist's chair before I even got out a single word. The dentist was very gentle and wanted to know what I was afraid of. The pain? No, not really. The recovery? Again, no...I'd been suffering in limbo for so many months that I was actually eager to move on to the pain of recovery. So then...what? What was I afraid of? I couldn't answer him, because I honestly did not know. I was horrified at my lack of courage and was asking myself the same question over and over all the way to the dentist's office as my hands shook uncontrollably on the steering wheel and my nose gushed blood (oh yes, I was SO stressed out that I actually brought on a nosebleed): Why are you so scared? Why are you so scared? Why are you so SCARED?!

I guess it all boils down to fear of the unknown. That Fear is something I spend enormous amounts of my energy trying to overcome in just about every aspect of my life. It gets to all of us I suppose - how can it not? - and everyone appears to handle it differently. I've seen fear cripple some and galvanize others. I'm not sure which camp I fall into - perhaps somewhere in between. But I DO try to face it, even when the Fear is at its worst. Whenever I feel that I can't do it absolutely no I can't I can't I CAN NOT DO IT (whatever IT may be at that particular time), I think of my girls. I think how much I want to equip them with the tools to face their fears instead of running away from them. And I know very well that I can drill that lesson into them every day of their life, but the only way they will truly learn is if they see the lesson in action...see ME in action, not just talking the talk but walking the walk. And OH, do I want those girls to hold their beautiful, vulnerable, irreplaceable heads high throughout this crazy, unpredictable life...so walk I must.

And so, speaking of drills...even though I excused myself to the bathroom and very seriously considered sneaking out of the building, driving home, lying to my husband and saying I got it done, and then just living quietly in pain for the rest of my life, I didn't do any of those things. I went back in and took a valium (yeah, I'm trying to be brave, but I'm not STUPID - it was offered and I jumped on it!), breathed deeply, said a prayer, and let the dentist do his thing. And, of course, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd envisioned. It never is, is it? A mere two hours later (good gracious, that's a long time to have your mouth open [insert dirty joke here]), I was done.

When I got home Emma asked me if I was scared, and I answered her honestly: Yes I was. But I also told her that even though I was scared I went through with it anyway. "Just like my dragons Mommy," she replied.

So true. Just like her dragons, the ones that visit her every night in her nightmares, the ones we are trying to teach her to face head-on until they back down and go away.

And it occurred to me: I want to raise a family of dragon slayers. Not fearless dragon slayers, yet dragon slayers all the same. Today I took on a huge dragon, and I brought him DOWN. And tonight while sleeping, Emma will do the same. Bravery is not a gift, not an attribute, not a right: bravery is a decision. So bring it on, dragons! Us Mathews chicks will decide to face you, every time, no matter how scary you are. And we will WIN!!!!! Because in the decision lies the victory.

Home

I've been gone a lot today, which kinda sucks - often when I'm away from the kids I enjoy the break, but today I kept wishing I was with them. When I came home tonight, I discovered Chris trapped on the bed with a passed out Sophie in his arms. She apparently collapsed from exhaustion after screaming for 45 minutes straight b/c she wanted me. I put her to bed and then joined Emma in the living room, where she was having a "sleepover" on the floor with her giraffe. She lit up when she saw me and gave me a big hug, lots of kisses, and declared me her best friend.

It is not always fun to go away, but it IS always nice to be missed.

Sleep, I miss you old friend

Last night my husband offered to sleep on the couch. No, he wasn't in the doghouse - he's just struggling with a cold and knows that his snoring keeps me up. I was touched he'd endure a night of not-so-comfortable slumber just so I could get some sleep, and I happily accepted.

11:30pm - Lights out.

12:15am - Sophie's awake. Feed her, put her back to bed.

2:00am - Em comes into bedroom, scared and looking for Daddy. I send her into living room.

3:00am - Em comes into bedroom again, asks to sleep with me, says she's scared. Before I can register her request enough to deny it, she's up and laying next to me, demanding more milk and the pillows from her bed.

4:00am - Sophie's awake. Go in, she's soaked through everything. Change her diaper, change her pjs. She screams bloody murder the whole time. Wakes up Em, who hears her through the sound monitor in my room. Em comes in, scared. I send her back to my bed. Feed Sophie. Put her back to bed. Go into Em. Calm her back to sleep.

6:30am - Sophie's awake. No back to bed this time - must start our day.

I probably sound like I'm documenting this for sympathy, but actually I realize how lucky I am b/c a night like the above is rare in our house and I know others that deal with it on a much more regular basis. Mostly I just want a record of last night for myself so that in the future, when I have two teenage girls who desperately need their "beauty sleep," I can recreate this night for them and use this blog as a guideline to remind me how often to go in and wake them up.

I really, really look forward to that day.

Ahhh, Vacation

Last week we spent four days in a cabin in the middle of the woods with no phone or Internet access. It rained every day, and we spent most of our time cooped up inside with four kids and a family of field mice. Sound like a sucky vacation? Actually, it was heaven.

On the surface it might not sound like everyone's ideal, but the lack of communication with the outside world turned out to be such a blessing. I honestly cannot remember the last time I've gone even a day without checking email. I'll admit that initially I panicked - particularly when my cell phone was stripped from me as well - but I quickly adjusted and reveled in the divine silence. And yes, the cabin was in the middle of nowhere, and I am typically not a nature girl, but we certainly weren't roughing it. It was spacious and beautiful, with every amenity, and the place quickly felt like a home away from home. I didn't even mind The Dude (as we named him) and his little mice friends coming to visit us in the kitchen every night. (He was really kinda cute.) And while the weather was a bummer, it ultimately didn't matter much b/c we had no desire to leave the inside of our vacation haven. We were with our fabulous friends Chris and Claire, and their equally fabulous daughters Charlotte and Maggie, and we so rarely get to see each other that four days together to just hang out and BE was, in a word, perfection.

There were tears and hugs and lots of promises to "do it again soon" as we said our goodbyes - they on their way home to New York, us on the road back to the Windy City - and while many say such things without really meaning it, I believe we all did. And do. And that brings me such joy. I envision our girls growing up the best of friends, looking forward to seeing each other every year. That's something I never had as a child - a special, long-distance friend. How fun is that? Then again, for Chris and me it isn't always fun - frankly, being so far away from Chris and Claire kinda sucks. But now WE have something to look forward to as well...seeing their smiling faces on a regular basis and establishing a tradition for both our families that will (hopefully) last well into the future. I'm as sick of Midwestern weather as the next person (please please please, can we have at least ONE WEEK of Spring this year?), but I'll take a cabin in the woods over a Hawaiian beach any day if my friends are there waiting for me.

So, here's to next year. And the next. And the next. And until then, I have great memories of board games, Rock Band, chicken pesto, hide & seek, bed jumping, bath bubbles, mice catching, superpowers, boo-boo kissing, and amazing conversations to keep me company.

Maggie, Charlotte & Emma jumping away

Emma, Maggie & Charlotte with Chris

Present and future BFFs Emma & Charlotte

Hurlyburly 2 (minus our lead singer extraordinaire) rockin' OUT

The gang just before saying goodbye

So Happy I Could Spit

Happy Easter to you all. We had a really great day. Emma overdosed on sugar by noon, which seemed about right. Between the Easter Bunny and family, the girls made out like bandits with Easter loot. Mostly we relaxed and enjoyed our first day back in town after a week of travel.

Emma at the end of a loonnnnggg candy run

Sophie spent the day spitting, which is now her favorite pastime. She is very proud of her new skill and uses it to great effect, often pursing her lips together and gaining enough saliva momentum to spit straight up in the air, geyser-style. Other times she merely spits down her chin. She is also becoming famous for the spit/drool combo. Regardless of the form she chooses, the result is always the same: she soaks through any outfit/bib/coat she is wearing within about 10 minutes. And if you are anywhere near her as she practices her new achievement, you will be soaked too.

Sophie in mid-spit

I suppose I am to blame for this - I encouraged her to blow her lips and b/c she is clearly advanced, she naturally proceeded to take it to the next level. It is hard to stay frustrated, even as she douses you with a Sophie Saliva Special, because she's so darn cute when she does it. Thankfully, the Easter Bunny brought Emma an umbrella, which has not left her side all day. So she's covered. As for Chris and I? Oh, this phase too shall pass. I guess until then we can suck it up...and hopefully teach Sophie to do so as well.

Emma on a Wednesday

Wednesday Emma report:

• Discovers a pair of panties that she doesn't recognize and comes barreling into the bathroom, hurling said panties at me in the shower and screaming "These are not mine!"
• Sings me her new song, I Lost A Kleenex, while playing her guitar.
• Lounges on the couch as if deeply ill, then jumps up and screams, "I can't move over! It's too hard, it's too hard! I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can-NOT, I can-NOT. It's strainable, it's strainable, it's so beautiful but I can't do it, it's too hard, it's too hard, it's too hard." "I just can't believe it," she ends breathlessly as she falls back on her pillow, closes her eyes and hides her face from the world.
• Asks me to open her cash register for her - but not until she's three rooms away, has her ears covered and yells "Go!" as the all-clear for me to open it without scaring her. (Her methods are a bit extreme, but in her defense the darn thing IS pretty loud when it flies open.)
• Sample conversation in the car this morning: "Mommy, if I had 20 hundred dollars and 7 many dollars, would you give me dollar 1?" "Um, sure!" "Thanks, Mommy."
• Wakes up from nap crying b/c she can't figure out how to do the flip-over with her hoodie.
  
• Stands on the toilet shrieking the same 10 words over and over - "Who Am I? Tell Me. Cause I Can Do Anything" - for 20 minutes before bowing to her imaginary audience and quietly saying, "Thank you. Thank you very much."
  

Emma on a Monday

Monday Emma report:

• Found a pair of old gloves in her backpack and has been wearing them all day, announcing she's an animal rescuer and that the gloves help her climb trees so she can rescue animals. Apparently they also help her climb the end post of our bed's canopy, which is the stand-in for aforementioned tree.
• Yelled at her little sister for the first time today. I heard screaming and came into the living room to find a righteously angry Emma berating Sophie for kicking her bouncy seat and frightening away a rare bird that Emma was about to capture.
• Unraveled an entire roll of toilet paper and then presented the pile to me as a cake she had baked for my birthday.
• Spent a minimum of 30 minutes running loops around the apartment and yelling, "Gordon, Gordon."
• Erased an hour's worth of Mommy's work on the computer while I was in the bathroom b/c she was working on her "field journal" and somehow managed to delete the entire document.
• Is now taking a nap with no clothes on because, as she explained to me, she has not had enough "naked time" today.

It is 2pm. We shall see what the rest of the day brings.

One at a time, please

We just returned from a quick, blink-and-you-miss-it trip to Indiana this weekend. We were there about 24 hours. It was so nice to see everyone - especially Cadin. Emma and Chris had not yet met him. He is three weeks old now, and although everyone had described him as a Mama's Boy, he couldn't seem to get enough of Uncle Chris - which made Chris feel wonderful since his own child is still playing the bizarre, self-invented I Don't Think I Like You, Daddy game. Cadin also chilled out on the floor by himself for the first time during our visit, a definite sign of genius. In fact, Cara and I both think this clear demonstration of advanced learning indicates his readiness to move on to the next stage...college. Brilliance like that needs to be nurtured, and obviously his superior intelligence level is best challenged at the collegiate level. There's no point bothering with silly trifles in between like high school, kindergarten, or walking.

One thing that became alarmingly apparent in little Sophie while we were there is that she's just not a people-person. She seems to do best when she's one on one with someone. Put her in a room with more than 3 people, and she begins self-destructing with alarming speed. Most of our time in Indiana, I witnessed my normally sweet-natured child scream, cry, fuss, whine, or just generally scowl at everyone - even me! Mommy, her (previously) favorite person in the world! The one who can calm her when all others fail! Suddenly I too was the enemy, as if she'd singled me out as the one to blame for putting her in the horrible situation she currently found herself in - being surrounded by people who adore her. And really, she's right - what was I thinking? How could I be so cruel?

She did give out some grudging, random smiles, but they were few and brief. I left Indiana a bit worried that my daughter had become someone I no longer recognized. But once we stepped back into our apartment, I could physically feel in her body the relaxation, the comfort, the RELIEF she felt at being back home. And my baby - the one I know and love, and the one that apparently others will never meet - came back to me in the time it took for her to gift me with one gorgeous, full-gum smile. Welcome back, Sophie. I shall relish this week we have together, because next week we are on vacation with friends (5 days, 1 cabin, 8 people - Sophie's idea of hell) and you will probably disappear on me again. But at least I know you shall return.

Nightmares

Em's been waking up from nightmares a lot lately. Last night was no exception. When asked, she told us that a monster came into her room, so she called for Grandma. Grandma came in, but she yelled at Emma instead of the monster. Then the monster and Grandma put band-aids all over Em's legs and hips. The end.

The night before, she was upset because a goat kept kicking her in the ear. The night before that, it was a cat meowing in the dark.

No idea what tonight will bring. My only solid guess is that it won't include uninterrupted sleep. In fact, Uninterrupted Sleep is so far removed from my memory that it's become something of a myth - an impossible thing I occasionally hear others talking about but don't really believe exists...like Bigfoot. Or honest politicians. Or an exceptional $10 haircut.

On a happier note, Sophie slept from 7pm - 5am last night. Hurray! At least someone is getting sleep in this house.

The Art of the Joke

Yesterday, I decided to teach Emma the fine art of a good Knock Knock joke. I start by outlining the set-up: I say Knock Knock, she says Who's There, etc. Once she had that down, I let loose with basically the only Knock Knock joke I know:

Me: Knock Knock
Em: Who's there?
Me: Orange.
Em: Orange who?
Me: Orange you glad to see me?

Blank stare. Crickets. No giggle, no smile...not even a smirk. I prepare to explain the joke to her, but she decides she wants to try a joke of her own before I can say a word. I'm excited by her enthusiasm and encourage her to jump right in. And she does.

Em: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Em: Lemon
Me: Lemon who?
Em: Seramuna.

Hmmm...what? I tell Emma that I didn't fully understand her punchline and ask her why she said "Seramuna" (approximate spelling, by the way - sounds like the name "Sarah" combined with "moon-a"). She calmly replies, "Because Seramuna is Lemon's last name."

Oh. Of course. Lemon's full name...got it, makes perfect sense. I then realize my failure in explaining one of the most important components of the Knock Knock joke - the play on words. So I patiently tell her how "orange" sounds like "aren't" and therein lies the joke. She seems to get it and says she understands. Then she tries again.

Em: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Em: Lemon
Me: Lemon who?
Em: Lemon, would you come back?

I let out an involuntary laugh - her punchline is so unexpected and she tells the joke so earnestly, like she's reciting a just-memorized poem or giving a particularly grueling presentation at show and tell. I tell her Great Job and then proceed to explain why her joke isn't really a JOKE. I start referencing the good old "orange" vs. "aren't" comparison again to illustrate the difference between her joke and mine. She hears me through. Then she points out, "But your joke wasn't funny, and mine was."

Well. Hard to argue with that logic. And the lesson, apparently, is mine.

So I'll leave you with Emma's final Knock Knock of the day.

Em: Knock Knock
Me: Who's there?
Em: Lime
Me: Lime who?
Em: Shencky.

You decide if you think it's funny. I personally find it hilarious.

Three-month-olds are SO moody

I'm a very proud Mama right now b/c my littlest is sleeping for the first time in her own room. She has been in there since 7 and it is now 10pm...and not a peep. Of course, she's still sleeping in her car seat - the seat is in her room, in her crib - since it's all she's known for three months, we figure we'll give her a few days to adjust to the new location before having her adjust also to a new bed. But the first step in Operation: Sophie Bedroom Shift is in full effect and going well. And the biggest reward is that I just spent a glorious hour laying in my own bed, in my own room, reading a book! One of my all-time favorite things to do, and something I've been unable to indulge in since Soph's been sharing our space b/c the light would wake her up. It's amazing how much you can come to appreciate the little things when suddenly they are taken away from you. I often think a really good book, a comfortable bed and complete peace and quiet is about as close as we get to Heaven on Earth.

So that's the good Sophie story...the not-so-good Sophie story is that she's developed this rather alarming habit just in the last week or so of bursting into tears whenever her father comes near her. And I mean Bursting. Into. Tears. She goes from total contentment to hysteria in about 30 seconds. Poor Chris doesn't even have to pick her up - if I'm holding her, and he comes over to talk and smile at her, she's gone. And if he DOES dare to hold her? She starts screaming so loud and hard that it takes me several minutes to calm her down once she's back with me, which is very out-of-character for her. It is beyond perplexing...it's heartbreaking. My sweet, loving husband, who is the greatest father in the world, now can't get within a foot of his youngest without causing her enormous distress. And she doesn't calm down either. As long as he is near, she is upset. 1 minute...crying the whole time. 20 minutes...STILL crying the whole time. The only thing that she seems to accept is if he holds her in the crook of his arm, facing out. Then she is calm...mostly b/c I think she doesn't realize who is holding her. But if he dares to talk to her, or look at her, she flips her lid. Why? I don't get it. I know it's hurting Chris's feelings...it sure as heck would hurt mine. This is unprecedented territory for us...Emma seemed to come out of the womb with "Daddy's Girl" tattooed on her bicep, and up until recently Sophie has loved Chris's company. But now she actually acts frightened of him, which is beyond my comprehension b/c he is one of the gentlest, kindest people I know, and I think even at 3 months you can sense that in a person, you know? Now if she were acting this way with me I'd get it a bit more...let's face it, even if you take my best day and put it up against my husband's worst, I'm just really less likable than him. But why she's decided Daddy is in the "Things I Don't Like" category right now - along with baths and having her clothes changed - is a complete mystery to me. I am planning to be gone a good portion of the day tomorrow, and I hope that the time together without me around will help them work this out. If she were a little older I'd just have a very stern talking-to with her and explain to her that this silly behavior will not be tolerated and she needs to stop being mean to Daddy. But considering that right now her language skills are limited to gurgles, smiles and screams, I'm not sure she'd understand. So I guess, in absence of any better ideas, Chris is just going to keep trying until she gets over this phase - and for however long that takes, Emma and I will be right there to give Chris lots of hugs, kisses and reassurance that it will get better soon and that we love him to pieces and Sophie does too, even if she really needs to work on how she chooses to express it. And it WILL get better, right? I mean, has anyone else heard of a baby Sophie's age doing this? If so, tips are welcome.

As We Are Now

I'm realizing more and more that my girls (still slightly weird to use the plural there, although I'm getting used to it) are rapidly growing in front of my eyes, and by the evening I often can't remember what happened that morning. So I'm gonna try so hard to start posting to this regularly, if nothing else so I can have a record of memories about our lives. And if you have interest in hearing about our lives too, all the better. So, I'm gonna start with a wrap up of where we are now, and then hopefully get into the swing of things on a more regular basis.

EMMA

Emma grows more and more precocious and clever every day. And she is growing literally too - she's so tall, taller than almost any other kid at school. She definitely looks older than 3, and often sounds like it too. The other day, out of nowhere, she came up to me and said, "Remember a long time ago when we saw the play about the pirate?" (We saw the play about 7 months ago, I believe.) "That was one of the best days of my life." One of her favorite words is Actually, as in "Actually Mommy, that's not the way you do it," or "Actually, Daddy told me I COULD have another glass of milk before bed." She is bossy as hell, which is something we are working on with her. Sometimes she just wants to help people - but also, she's a control freak like me. She loves to tell me, "Mommy, calm down, caaallllm doooowwwwwn" whenever I get upset or frustrated. Those are my exact words coming out of her mouth (b/c, in case you've never met her, our Emma can get worked up sometimes), and I find it alternately annoying and amusing. She has the most infectious laugh, and every time I come home after being gone, even if only for a few minutes, she will stop what she's doing and come running to me with a big smile and arms wide, screaming, "Mommy! I missed you when you were gone." Right now she is hard-core into pretend - she makes up songs, situations, dances, foods, scenarios. She is known to breastfeed her baby doll (imitating Mommy and Sophie, of course) and is very careful to always put her dolls to bed, sing them to sleep, make sure they are fed, etc. Her favorite TV shows are Dora, Diego, Backyardigans, Spongebob and Yo Gabba Gabba (this last one particularly perplexes Chris and me, but she things it's da bomb). Her new favorite movies are The Jungle Book and Tarzan II. The latter Chris rented for her while Sophie and I were in Indiana visiting Cadin, and I think in the week we had it she probably watched it - no exaggeration - about 20 times. Her favorite part is the Disney music video under Bonus Features, where she will imitate every dance move and vocal vibration the little girl with big pipes lets loose on the screen. Lately she's been having nightmares and waking up at night - sometimes only a kiss and more milk is needed to calm her down, and sometimes she needs to snuggle with Daddy and watch TV until she stops crying. She can't tell us what the dreams are about, only that they are scary and often involve a lizard. (Said lizard has been banished from our apartment many times, but yet he still keeps coming back. Darn thing.) She is - FINALLY! - completely potty-trained during the day, and Chris and I are so shell shocked from 9 loonnggggg months of potty-training struggle that we have no inclination to tackle the nighttime training for quite some time yet. She adores her baby sister and says at least 4 times a day about Sophie, "She is so cute!" If anyone asks about Sophie, she calls her "my baby," and she's very excited that her cousin Callie now has a baby sibling too, which of course Emma refers to as "Callie's baby." She loves to list all her family members and where they live (ie, Grandma and Grandpa in Indiana, Grandma & Grandpa Kitty and Grandpa Greg and Grandma Connie in St. Louis, Nonnie & Leo in Buffalo, etc.) She's an attention-hog and often demands you look at her ("watch me, watch me!" and "Look. At. Me!" are frequent laments) while she runs circles in the living room or shows us some brand-new dance she's just made up. She digs drawing, can write her own name, knows all her letters and can count to 30 with no help at all, and way beyond with a little prompting. Her favorite books (as of right now, it changes OFTEN) are Goodnight Sun, Hello Moon; Leonardo the Terrible Monster; Goodnight Moon; Kitty's First Full Moon; Knuffle Bunny & Knuffle Bunny Too; and Me Too! Me Too! She's also into games like Memory, Ants in the Pants and Don't Break The Ice. She is quick to give kisses and hugs, quick to laugh and quick to cry, has at least one screaming fit a day and an average of about 4 full-on tantrums a week, is a shrewd negotiator, a keen observer who misses nothing, a tireless question-asker, and has been known in the course of a day to go from helping keep her sister company while Mommy showers and cleaning up her lunch plate without being asked to taking apart the drain in the bathroom, getting into and eating an entire tupperware container of brownies and pulling a slice of cheese into about 40 tiny pieces and then squishing them into the sofa. (Sadly, all true stories.) In other words - she's 3. We often want to muzzle her and she pushes us to the absolute limits of our patience, but we also adore her and can't wait to see what she'll do or say next.

SOPHIE

So...Sophie. Not as many details yet, but the one thing we've learned about Sophie so far is that she's very different from her sister. She is usually relatively chill. She will sit in her swing or bouncy seat for up to a half hour on average without fussing, and she loves her Bumbo seat (although she has a habit of having exploding poops while sitting in it - not sure of the connection yet, but I know now what to do if she's ever constipated.) She does not hesitate to let you know when she's unhappy, but she works up to it, sort of letting out a cry here or there to give you time to respond before she takes it to the next step and completely loses it. She LOVES to be held, and 9 times out of 10 if she is upset, this will solve it. Chris thinks she's a Mama's girl, and I'd have to agree - although she certainly knows her Daddy. But she's a girl's girl - if she's a bit out of sorts, one look from Daddy can make her burst into tears, as if she's condemning him simply for having testosterone. But Mommy or Aunt Jayme or Grandma gets ahold of her and all is well. She is very quick to smile and loves to have conversations with you - although her responses are mostly limited to "ooooooooh" in many different inflections, both Chris and I swear we've heard her say "Emma." She has the most potent toots I've ever encountered in man or animal, and she'll let them rip with a smile. She's still in our room for sleeping right now, and she crashes in the car seat. She isn't the best napper - she'll fall asleep relatively easily but usually doesn't stay asleep more than an hour at the very most. She's still waking up on average two times a night, but she's never up for long and is super good about going right back to sleep. Her favorite things right now are the toy on her bouncy seat, the bears on her swing, and Mommy (or more specifically, Mommy's breasts). She is an utter joy, and all three of us are completely in love with her. And I think she's falling in love with us too.

So. That's the girls, as they are now - 3 months and 3 1/2 years. And now let's see if I can keep this up - I've never been good at journaling, but I'm gonna give it the old college try. Stay tuned...

Officially an Actor?

I had both a great and horrible day yesterday.

I booked another voiceover gig, this one a TV spot (and radio too) that will hopefully pay a little bit of dough. The bad part of the day was...yeah, you guessed it - arranging childcare. I had it all set, and then they changed the recording time on me 40 MINUTES before go, as I was literally parking outside their downtown studio, so then it started off a huge scramble of trying to find out who was going to watch Emma b/c the people that were watching her at that moment couldn't keep her all day. It was a real drag and I was very stressed, but what came out of it all was extreme gratefulness that I have such wonderful friends in my life. Jessica & Ben watched her from Noon - 2pm, and then Diane and Dave took over (and I mean literally TOOK OVER - going to pick her up from Jessica's and getting her all settled while I was going on and on about Eating Right Frozen Dinners in a studio on East Ohio) and kept her until after 4pm. Then she went to Gen & Craig's that evening from about 5:30 - 10pm so Chris and I could actually have a date and see a movie (imagine!), and Emma was a great, great girl through it all. I was experiencing some major Mommy guilt about shuttling her from one place to another so much in one day, but she just considered it a big adventure and had a blast. One thing 3 year olds are: ADAPTABLE. So to Jessica, Ben, Diane, Dave, Gen, Craig...and all the other friends & family that help me out - THANK YOU. It really does take a village to raise a child.

So I guess that my horrible news really had some good news rolled in...funny how sometimes typing things out makes you see the lesson of something more clearly. But the really great news is that I realized one of my personal dreams as an actor yesterday: I joined the Screen Actors Guild. I am now SAG and AFTRA affiliated, and very proud of it. I keep hitting little milestones here and there as an actor...good press, better jobs, my own theater company, critics picks, award nominations, and now double-union affiliation...yet, I wonder, WHEN will I feel like an "official" actor? I don't know. Sometimes I do. But yet...when people ask me what I do for a living, I usually say, "Oh, I'm a stay-at-home Mom, and I work part-time from home in PR and Marketing," and then I MIGHT throw in, "Oh, and I act." Like it's an afterthought, when in reality it is my lifeblood, my center, and it affects everything else that I DO do. Why do I do that? When will I feel confident filling in the Profession question on government forms with ACTOR? When I make more money? Become Equity? Do it exclusively? Make my first movie with Meryl? Win the Tony? What??? I don't know. I even do it with friends and family, play that aspect of myself down. When people ooh and ahh and ask questions, I'm always like "Oh, it's no big deal, it's not even how I make most of my living" - which makes it sound like a side project or something, and it SO is not. Weird. Maybe it's just in all of our natures to resist celebrating something that, in all honesty, we know we are DAMN good at? Like - oh no, don't talk about it, it's so tacky, act like it's no big deal? Or maybe I am just my father's daughter, and a history of phone calls telling him about a new part or accomplishment and having him ask, "How much are you getting paid?" and then hearing his interest wane in direct relation to how high or low the pay is have taken their toll, and now I just naturally think that way as well. Not that my Dad isn't supportive - he just doesn't get it, and really, it's kinda hard to get...how many people have found something they love so much in life that they are not only willing but COMPELLED to do it for all of their lives, despite ever making a living at it or the personal sacrifices it may entail? Dad's not the only one who doesn't get it - many don't. But I've found that if someone cares for you enough, they support you anyway. I certainly have that in my life, in abundance. So maybe the problem is that I don't care enough about myself to support myself - to stand up and say proudly I AM AN ACTOR and mean it and own it and be very, very, very proud of it.

I'm gonna work on that.

Oh woe is me

Hi. It's midnight on a Saturday and I can't sleep. Just got back from ICT's latest production, which rocked. Jeff Recommended, hopefully reviews will be kind. Everyone, as usual, has worked so hard. And, as usual, I'm proud of the results.

I don't think anyone really reads these blogs - no one's posted a comment or anything, and when cornered, even Chris confessed he doesn't read it - so I'm just gonna ramble, hence the title, right? Lately I've been feeling so strange. I think the paranoia part of the pregnancy has set in. I cry at inappropriate times, am convinced that good friends don't like me anymore, that I'm always thisclose to losing my job, that Chris is tired of me, that everyone's avoiding me/staring at me/talking about me - take your pick. So weird, I hate this part of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Emma, I literally had what can only be termed a mini-breakdown at my cousin's wedding shower - people were shouting over each other playing a game, I became convinced they were all shouting at me, I totally lost it and we had to leave - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOWER WE'D DRIVEN TWO HOURS TO ARRIVE AT. I hope it doesn't get that bad this time. These are the side effects of pregnancy no one talks about. Of course, it could just happen to me. In fact, that seems entirely plausible.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you slowly realize that everyone knows about something you don't? Like, a party or social event? And you are stuck in the incredibly unenviable position of realizing it at the same time that everyone else realizes it too and tries to cover for it, which only makes it worse? Like...Oh, you didn't get the email? or I really meant to call, I could have sworn I did? Awful. But even worse - when they don't try to cover at all. It's just a - Hey, are you going to so-and-so tonight, Sure I'll be there, Yeah me too, Is this person and this person going, yeah everyone's going...while you are standing right there and No One Says Anything To You? That happened to me tonight. Hard to tell how much is truly a correct perception and how much is the above-mentioned pregnancy paranoia, but it felt real to me. God, I hate that I care about these things...I am 33 and I still get hurt by the same stupid crap that gutted me in high school. Sigh. Maybe that's the point...maybe high school isn't just a precursor to "real life" - maybe high school IS real life, and it just takes you a long, long time to realize it. Either way, kinda sucks. Kinda sucks that it happens, and kinda sucks that I care.

I think I need to hide out for awhile, not really see people, until I can get this new social dementia under control. B/c right now, I feel raw and vulnerable and just...lonely and misunderstood and friendless. Poor little me. God, I'm choking on my own self-pity - but that doesn't make the feelings any less real. Best to not inflict myself on anyone (except my poor husband and daughter!) til these feelings pass. Over and out.