The Storm of Sophie

Sophie has been out-of-sorts lately. And by out-of-sorts, I mean she has been a complete maniac. Neither of my children are sedate individuals. Both are prone to extreme tantrums, but Sophie's are usually manageable. However, she's been feeling icky and sleeping poorly the last few days, and the cumulative result is an easily triggered, deeply disconsolate Sophie Patrice.

This morning, Sophie was one long storm of rage. She kicked, wailed, threw things, screamed, clawed her face, pulled clumps of hair out, spit, snarled, roared. At one point, she actually flipped over the kids' table in our living room like a toddler version of The Incredible Hulk. I haven't seen her like that in a long, long time. Tantrums trigger many feelings in me - annoyance, anger, frustration, loneliness, betrayal, sadness, humor. (Especially humor. I mean, sometimes life is so ludicrous, what else can you do but laugh?) But ones like today are truly heartbreaking. It literally makes my chest ache to see her so upset and know there is absolutely nothing I can do to make her feel better. She does not want to be touched or cuddled or soothed in any way. She just wants to get her anger OUT. So I sit and wait, and sit and wait, and sit and wait...and eventually, she comes out the other side and collapses into my arms, finally ready to be consoled.

It took us about an hour to get on Sophie's socks and shoes this morning. ONE. HOUR. (Maybe others would have given up, but faced with the choice of going to the gym and letting others deal with her or giving up and being stuck with her all by myself, I opted for perseverance.) I decided to videotape her towards the tail end of the tantrum. Why, you ask? Because it occurred to me that I am always recording cute, memorable moments of the kids that often showcase their best sides. Yet this side of Sophie is as real as any other, and an essential part of what makes her...well, HER. And when I look back on the girls' younger years, I want to remember them as accurately as I can. Besides, this isn't even remotely the worst of it - the presence of the camera seems to distract her, and by the end of the clip she gives in and seeks physical contact (hence the dramatic flinging of herself into my lap), which usually signifies a turning point in the onslaught. Still, it is a glimpse.

A few minutes ago, Sophie woke up smiling after a long nap and declared, "Mommy! I don't feel gross anymore!" I am crossing my fingers that she is right. Either way, I'm here and waiting with hugs at the ready whenever she needs them. It's all I know to do.