Home is where the heart is

My life is not totally devoid of acting. I tour occasionally with Erasing the Distance - a creative home for which I am incredibly grateful. But other than a few ETD gigs and a staged reading here and there, my acting life has been at a standstill. I haven't been in a full-run stage production in almost three years. In that time, I've been on a total of three theater auditions. To say I'm rusty is putting it mildly. And I tell myself that I'm not ready to get back out there, but the truth is...I miss it. I really really really really miss it.

So, total fluke, a company called me in to read last weekend. No monologue required, just sides. I figure, why not? It's a well-respected theater company, I like the roles okay (they were having me read for two - small but still something to sink my teeth into), so I decide to go.

And I gave pretty good reads, I thought. I mean, I was pretty happy with them. (This is saying a lot for me, because that is not my normal reaction.) And they praised me to the nines. Seriously, they told me I was amazing five times. Normally, that would put me on my guard, because frankly, it's weird. Auditors don't usually do that, so when they do, it immediately feels like a kindly-intentioned but badly-executed brush off. But I'd auditioned for this company before, and they hadn't reacted that way to me at all previously. So I thought...okay. I liked what I did, they liked what I did. I feel fairly confident I'll get a callback.

And then...nothing. Not a word.

This is par for the course with acting. I've been doing this professionally for almost 20 years. I know this. In my head. But in my heart? Every single time I don't get a callback, every single time I don't get cast, it hurts. It sort of feels like pouring out your heart to a friend or crush - "I love you and I'm yours, I'm giving you all I have, all of me, THIS IS ALL OF ME, ALL I HAVE, AND I'M OFFERING IT TO YOU" - only to be rejected. Over and over and over again. It's the worst kind of self-flagellation, and yet I do it to myself voluntarily. And to be clear, I don't feel this kind of pain over other acting auditions. Voiceovers? Of course I still care, and I give my best, and there are those rare instances where I lose out and then hear the spot on radio or TV and am like, dammit! Why couldn't that job have been mine? But mostly, I give the read and then move on. Out of sight, out of mind. If I get the gig, great! If not...next, please.

But not with theater. I AM NEVER THAT WAY WITH THEATER.

With theater, I agonize. My nerves go through the roof beforehand, my anxiety goes through the roof afterward. Even though, intellectually, I know not to take it personally...in my heart? In my heart, every time I don't hear back (and this last audition is no exception), I take it as a personal missive sent straight from the heavens. Three simple words, screamed down from on high: You. Can't. Act.

It's gotten worse as I've gotten older, which is part of the reason why I hardly audition anymore. I keep joking that life's too hectic right now, that I'm just letting myself age into the demographic I've been cast in since I was 18 years old (even at ingenue age, I got the middle-aged roles), that when I hit 50 I'm gonna OWN this town. And there's some truth to all of that. (Well, maybe not the last part.) But they are also excuses...just a few of many that I tell myself.

Wanna hear something else pathetic? The audition was Saturday. Today is Thursday. They had callbacks right away, on Sunday night. They told us this. So I've known, with certainty, for five days that they weren't calling me back in. And yet I can't let it go. In my head, I'm still bargaining, against all reason. I'm still justifying, thinking, "Okay, well, maybe they decided to do callbacks this Sunday instead of last Sunday and they'll still call." THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Yet my mind keeps cranking out bizarre rationalizations, refusing to accept the cold, hard truth that they just don't want me. And this is not an anomaly. Every single fucking theater audition I go on, a variation of this plays out. It's exhausting. For someone prone to depression and self-esteem issues anyway? I swear to god, it is so damn exhausting. But it's what I do. (And, I suspect, it's what a lot of actors do. Although I'm sure there are many actors that don't, too. And when I find out who they are, I will drink their blood and breathe in their essence until I become possessed of some of their healthy remove from all this craziness. Ha ha...just joking. Kind of.)

And why only theater? Why can't I distance myself emotionally with theater the way I can with other acting mediums? Well, I know the answer to that one. Theater gigs pay for shit and the rehearsal/performance schedule takes a terrible toll on my family life, but I care about it above any other creative mistress because ever since I did my first play at nine years old, theater stole my heart. And I can work in theater as an administrator, like I do now. That definitely gives me pleasure, and I think I'm really good at it. And of course, I can go see theater, which also gives me great pleasure. But for me, nothing beats being in front of a live audience, among the chaos and the magic, creating something elusive and organic and raw and alive. Nothing. It is one of the purest definitions of "a blessing and a curse" that I've ever encountered in my life.

So. I have another audition next Thursday. (Again, total fluke, fell into my lap.) My confidence is as low as it's ever been, I hate life, hate acting, don't want to humiliate myself any more, can't take one more damn rejection without taking to my bed for a week. And yet...I'll go.

Because home is where the heart is, ya know?