Crazy things my kids do

A round up from the last couple of weeks of insanity that passes for normal life in our family.

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Watched Alice in Wonderland with the girls. Fun movie, but more violent than I'd expected. During the big finale when the jabberwocky's head is cut off, Sophie hid under a blanket. Em just blinked hard and said, "Wow. That's awkward."

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During a particularly tense "you-touch-me-annoyingly-and-then-I-touch-you-annoyingly-and-we-see-who-loses-their-mind-first" battle between the girls, Sophie suddenly growled at Emma through gritted teeth, Dirty Harry style: "Don't...even...think about touching my arm."

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Alas, Emma is not a morning person. While Em raged and growled about the horrible injustice of having to arise early for school, Sophie whispered, "Mama, why is Emma doing a fit?" Emma turned on her and shouted, "I can HEAR YOU! Don't talk about me. That's so rude! Why can't you...just...LIVE WITH IT?!?"

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Sophie: "Be careful when you touch the walls because you never know when it is a magic wall and then it eat you and you dead."

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Em lost her second tooth, and she's been full of questions. Top one? "How does the tooth fairy know where to find you when you go to college?"

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Sophie keeps walking around the house mumbling to herself, "There's nothing to be afraid of. E.T. is just a good, nice alien."

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Em: "I can't wait for the tooth fairy to come tonight. I hope he brings me money, toys and Gatorade!"

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While watching the beginning of "Powerpuff Girls" (where they explain how the girls came to be made), Em seemed unimpressed that the girls were created in a test tube with special chemicals that gave them superpowers. But there was one thing that caught her attention: "Wow. I can't believe they were born with clothes!"

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Putting on her button-down fairy pajamas complete with old-fashioned collar, Sophie looked in the mirror and giggled: “I look like a customer!”

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Sample commands from Emma during her playdate: 

"More hot chocolate please!" 

"We need lemonade, water, orange juice and cookies. Right now." 

"Excuse me? Miss? We'd like more popcorn at our table." 

"Hello! We have empty plates here!"

It was like flashing back to my worst waitressing days...the ones where I found myself at the mercy of a ridiculously obnoxious customer and I just knew I wasn't even gonna get a tip out of it.

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Emma: "Mama, I've never been bad at all today. That's the first day in my whole entire life that I've never been bad!"

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While listening to a Carrie Underwood song about seeing Cinderella at the ball, Em's whole face lit up in awe. "Wow," she whispered. "I can't believe she knows Cinderella."

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Emma just wiggled her bottom in my face and announced that her butt has got scratch.

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Once again, we warned the girls that getting fingerprints on the DVDs can cause the movies to skip when being played. "It's Sophie's fault," Emma immediately piped up. "Oh, really? And why is it always Sophie's fault?" I asked. "Well,” Emma answered, “I am the older person here."

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Sophie fell hard on her bottom during a twirl-gone-wrong and bit her tongue, so I suggested a popsicle to make her feel better. After her first lick, she declared, “This DOES make my tongue feel better! It makes my bottom better too. Like ice cream inside-a my butt. Popsicles are magic.”

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While trying to help Emma with her math homework on making change, she told me that she doesn't need to know how to count money because she'll just ask her lady in waiting to do it.

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Sophie was just horrible on a recent car trip home from Indiana. Emma exhibited remarkable patience, but she finally hit her breaking point just minutes from home when she screamed, "SOPHIE! YOU HAVE RUINED THIS ENTIRE TRIP WITH YOUR NAUGHTY!"

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Chris and I had to cancel our date night in celebration of my new job because we have no money. (Hmmm...I wonder if it’s in bad taste to ask for an advance in pay when I haven’t even started the job yet?) He knew I was disappointed, so he brought me home a giant chocolate bar as consolation. Emma’s eyes bugged out of her head when she saw it. “Oh my gosh! You have to share that chocolate with me or I'll die like a seal."

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Sophie got mad and threw her cup at Emma, nailing her right in the middle of the forehead. Emma burst into tears, and I immediately pulled over the car to diffuse the situation. "Sophie!" I reprimanded. "We do NOT throw things at other people." Sophie responded by whipping her goldfish snack bowl in my face and shrieking, "Yes. We. DO!"