Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-CHANGES

I don't always deal well with change. I try to be open to whatever life brings, but at the same time, I'm definitely not one of those "just roll with it" type people. In fact, I often try to avoid change, which is hilarious when you think about it. Despite my (and others') best efforts to the contrary, it seems that whether change is forced or beckoned, the one constant is that it always comes. Oh boy, does it come. And after all these years, you think I'd be a bit better at tempering my anxiety with acceptance, even joyful excitement, whenever the winds of change begin to blow. But I've yet to master that skill.

We have a couple changes ahead for our family, and for me personally. Sophie had her first day of preschool this morning. We only stayed about an hour; it was mostly an introduction for her, the teachers, and the other children. It's the same parent cooperative that Emma attended, so the teachers are familiar friends. In the car on the way over, Sophie asked me four times if I was leaving her alone. I assured her that I was not. She said that she might feel shy and would just stay with me; I told her that was fine. Once we arrived, she spent approximately three seconds at my side and then jumped right into play for the next hour without a thought about my continued presence. Next week she will go by herself for the morning, and in two weeks' time she'll be up to her full schedule: Mondays and Thursdays, 9 to 5. I suspect the transition will be relatively smooth for her. She's ready for this. I, however, am not.

While I caught up with one of the teachers and surreptitiously watched Sophie interact with the other kids, it was all I could do not to weep right there, sitting cross-legged on the carpet with a plastic cucumber in my hand. Sophie has been my constant companion for the last three years, four months and seven days. With few exceptions, we spend all day, every day, together. The idea of being away from her for two whole days a week is both thrilling and devastating. On the one hand, I love the idea of having time to myself...precious, precious, precious time. Time to work and think and breathe and BE without constant interruption. For years, the very idea of something so decadent felt like dreaming of the lottery; both seemed equally unattainable. Even as I type this, just the thought of several hours alone on a consistent basis literally makes me shiver with joy. And I know that Sophie will thrive at playgroup, just as Emma did. Seeing Sophie smile with her whole body after only five minutes in the teachers' company today was all the reassurance I need that I will be leaving her in very capable and loving hands. But still...my youngest child, my last child, my littlest roommate...off to preschool. Her first real steps toward a life lived without me. I relish seeing her grow, and I also dread it. Every milestone that passes leaves me feeling simultaneously bereft and triumphant. As happy as I am at the small taste of freedom preschool brings - both for me and for her - oh, how I will miss my baby.

I'm also starting a new job tomorrow. I'm not leaving my current job at Adventure Stage Chicago. I love the people there, and love what I do. But I'm taking on a new challenge, as Marketing & Communications Director for Erasing the Distance, an organization that has been close to my heart for many years. I am very, very excited about this change. But I'm also anxious. Can I juggle both jobs and still be available for my children the way I want to be? I think (hope) that the short-term answer is maybe, and the long-term answer is yes. It will take awhile to adjust, and I am planning to take time off from acting until I get a handle on this new role in my life. Simply put, the next couple of months are gonna be nutters. But I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to earn an income for my family while predominantly working from home - and doing so for two arts organizations I deeply believe in and support - that additional craziness is a small price to pay. Pile on the crazy, I say. We always got room for more.

Other changes are coming down the pipeline. (Aren't they always?) How they will develop remains to be seen. Regardless, history dictates that my reaction will most likely be bittersweet. But I think that's okay. The bitter only makes the sweet that much sweeter, right? And lately, there is so much more sweet than bitter floating around in my life that I can only be grateful. Very, very, very grateful.